Childcare and Storage.

Madgran77

fancythat

Personally, I dont think that what the SIL and DD are asking, is unreasonable.

They havent said you cannot see you grandson.
And your house does need to be child safe.

Child safe does not mean demanding a room is cleared and blocking family time with GC in order to get ones own way!

The sil is being unreasonable in not aloowing the op to visit their house. I have already said this.

Demanding a room is cleared - the sil is unreasonable yes.
But as the op said in her opening post, what choice does she have?

As I have already said upthread, you get the inlaws you get.

And I have also said that the alternatives to not doing so, in this type of situation are not good.

There are countless Grandparents, on here and in real life who are estranged.
There are countless Grandparents who are met with unreasonable in laws.

As I said up thread, we have to deal with the hand we get.
We dont get to choose who our kids partner up with.

We down own the Grandkids.

Yes, we have choices but as the op is finding out, we either do our best to accomodate. Or else suffer the consequences.

Dont not down

We've a playroom, through a large cased opening. Much a portion of our family room/ diner/ kitchen (effectively open plan). Little GC spend all their time in that safe space, under my feet.

Our GC and GGC do not want to be away in a separate bedroom, they sleep near me - within the larger space in which I am working.

Christmas is in a storage room, for us, not to please others.

argymargy

Not sure why you have allowed your SIL to blackmail you in this way? If they are hoping you’ll look after their child it should be mutually agreed how this works. Threatening to withdraw visits to your grandchild if you don’t do what he wants is not acceptable. It might be the first but certainly won’t be the last time he does this. You absolutely do have an option.

It staggers me to see that people behave in this way.
Blackmail is exactly the right word and I wouldn't countenance it either.
Childcare is a very big favour that you are doing for them.

I agree with Cossy, you should be looking after your GS at their place if there are so many conditions which your SiL seems to be pressuring you about. When our GCs come to us we have toys/books and a high chair and cot here, but we have never been told to clear out a spare room to accommodate them. Indeed they never asked us to get any of the stuff we have, we were just happy to make the GCs feel comfortable.
In your case it feels as if you are being dictated to for trying to help your DD and SiL, sounds a bit off to me.

Could the SILs fear be of the cats whilst the grandson is sleeping at your house? I vaguely remember a fear ( possibly an old wives tail- I can’t remember) that a cat might accidentally suffocate a baby when sitting on a nice warm pram? Didn’t there used to be cat nets to stop cats getting onto a child’s face? Could that be why the SIL wants you to have a room set aside for the baby to sleep in?

When the GCs visit we remove hazards and put them in my OHs workshop, am wondering if the OP could put the glass topped coffee table etc elsewhere just whilst having the baby there. And keep the cats out of the room.

Margiknot

Could the SILs fear be of the cats whilst the grandson is sleeping at your house? I vaguely remember a fear ( possibly an old wives tail- I can’t remember) that a cat might accidentally suffocate a baby when sitting on a nice warm pram? Didn’t there used to be cat nets to stop cats getting onto a child’s face? Could that be why the SIL wants you to have a room set aside for the baby to sleep in?

Margiknot We used to put nets on prams when babies were tiny. Apparently it was the milky smell as well as warmth which attracted cats but I'm not sure if this ever happened.

It could be the cats are a problem for other reasons, though.

I wouldn’t like a baby/toddler to be crawling where cats are
DD3 has a robot vacuum cleaner that roams around , she has one cat , it’s awful how much cat hair that wee machine picks up
And then the hair on the sofa !

Your SIL sounds like a dictator to me, NangelaMary. How dare he demand what you and your husband do to your spare room. Sounds like blackmail to me! Obviously, when we become grandparents, we are only too happy to adapt to having the grandchildren stay, but not to the extent that it involves so much upheaval. We’ve managed to have our grandchildren stay regularly over the last 21 years, starting with a travel cot in the spare room, which also has a sofa bed for adult visitors, then bunk beds in my OH’s study. Admittedly, we have a lot of cupboard space to accommodate Christmas decorations, accumulations and things of sentimental value. Sorry that you’ve had this most unpleasant ultimatum from your daughter’s husband. He sounds so very controlling to me!

fancythat. I do believe that your (many) comments are less than helpful.

And I have also said that the alternatives to not doing so, in this type of situation are not good

I take your point but I suspect that if following orders now is done, more orders will come! It is not allowing the OP to visit that rings alarm bells ...that blocking seeing the GC (and eventually her daughter???) are a clear sign of what is to come.

I actually think, if ofcourse SIL will deign to agree, the best way forward is to meet up and clearly hear his perspective, clearly state the OPs perspective and find a solution together. Somehow sadly I don't think that is going to happen.

we either do our best to accomodate...

But not at the expense of our own house arrangements, without any mutual discussion between all adults. Offering childcare does not equal being ordered about and ultimatums in order to do it! Yes there are Estrangement caused by this type of thing. And only the OP can decide her own red line that SHE will not step over! The reality is if he behaves like this now then there will be more orders and ultimatums going forward anyway.

OP I sympathise greatly with your dilemma and despite the relationship risks in all this I do feel you have to set some sort of limit now by requesting a proper discussion to share points of views and come to an agreement. I know how hard this must be for you 💐

Is the cat the real problem?
I suspect not or they would (surely) say so.
I do hope you can work something out.

Regarding Christmas decorations, we have a huge anxient bedding box on the landing at the top of the house. We keep them in there. It is a lot of stuff and they have to be packed in very tidily!
Thank goodness we don't really have a loft! I know it would be full to bursting!

Patsy70

*fancythat*. I do believe that your (many) comments are less than helpful.

And they change as quick as wink.

Your home is your home not theirs. Yes you would make it safe wherever he was but to expect you to change your lifestyle completely is selfish. I know he is your lovely grandson but he is their responsibility. Why did they have a child if they can't look after him?

I don't have a spare bedroom, most Danish homes don't,

My Christmas and Easter decorations, sewing supplies, folding guest beds, old tax papers , suitcases etc. etc. are stored in two small attics under the sloping roof of the house.

You did not ask for comments on you SIL or DD's expectations, so I shan't offer my thoughts on the matter.

Two issues here -
First storage, so I suggest plastic lidded boxes and somewhere (probably) other than your spare room. Garage? Loft? Built in shelving? Your choice.
The other is to what extent does one "childproof" a living room especially for regular childcare.
I would obviously remove anything fragile or precious to out of sight and/or out of reach. Maybe this is a good time to look at decluttering!
Glass topped coffee table? Personally not my choice, too much like an accident waiting to happen. Little un will be pulling themselves up - do you really want to take that risk (and clean off the fingermarks?) The toys need not take over your home with a couple of big plastic toyboxes but children like to draw/paint/play with Duplo etc, is your sitting room up to that?
I said 2 issues, but it's actually 3.
Is your SIL so controlling that he can lay down the law about what you do in your own home especially as you will be doing them a huge favour?
That would be a red flag to me.
You could offer to take your DGC to toddler group as an alternative to going to their house.
This is the "big issue" to me.

I know someone who, when he was a small child, was helping his dad wash a car with hose etc. The baby was nearby in pram and cat got in and child died. Any sounds of distress would not have been heard even though the baby was closeby.

As for christmas decs, this year I managed to get nearly all into space under stairs. Each year I try to trim back the stash!

We store ours in the loft in plastic boxes

Our youngest AS returned home after his relationship broke up, he had his baby daughter to stay at the weekends, we didnt remove furniture or ornaments from our sitting room our DGD soon learned not to play with these things as she had the run of our sitting room. I’d be very concerned about your SiL attitude, and their demands, and their blackmail regarding access to your DGC.

NangelaMary
Given all your responses especialky the one not allowed to look after GC in his own home as an alternative solution to your "clutter" problem I would suggest you tell the parents to find other much more streamlined setting childcare. Your SIL either has extreme OCD issues which your DD surely knew about before a baby arrived, or he is controlling everyone. Go to playgym, see your GS there.

This is just awful, who on earth does he think he is...what does your daughter say about all of this?
The idea that 'you do as I ask or you won't see your grandchild' beggars belief.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation.