Childcare and Storage.

Who does He think He is ?
How rude of him 🥲

So your SIL dictates what's happening in your home and they want you to provide free childcare! That is despicable. Why is your daughter not saying anything. He has actually put you in a horrible situation do what I say or you don't see your grandson.. that's emotional blackmail. What is your husband saying about this?

I wonder if he doesn't actually want you to babysit. He's certainly putting many obstacles in your way. You are not allowed to go to visit at their home and must meet at play area to see your daughter and grandchild!
I would be ensuring my child and hers are both able to visit you and go with his demands for now.

I think there are two separate things here. It is important that you keep a relationship with your daughter. You might have to think how you put it to her, but I would suggest that you let her know that you are there for her,: and perhaps you could have a phrase that she might use, to let you know that she is in need, without letting the appalling SIL know what is going on. I would suggest that his behaviour really is sonctrolling. Possibily he has made the most of the fact that whilst your daughter may have been a little unsure, with her first baby, he has used the fact that he already has 3 to make her feel that he is the fount of knowledge regarding bringing up children. Remind her that it cannot have been so brilliant as he left them at some point.

The parenting is meant to be a 50/50 situation but this sort of an imbalance has possibly put her in a state where she feels that her ideas are not as valid as his. So I would encourage her to join other mothers and children , at swimming or play groups etc and I am sure that other mothers will show her different ways that they are doing things and give her chance to think about her own situation. I would also encourage her to talk to any of the medical people she feels safe speaking to.

So , you cannot force or make your daughter change anything, but letting her know that you are there for here is very important , whilst at the same time clearly stating that you will NOT be changing your house around to his sayso. I would also suggest that if they then say in June or whatever we will do XX, then you just mildly say oh yes - well of course we will be away then and definitely arrange to either go away for a few days - dont give them definite dates - or alternatively invite some close friends you can trust to come and stay with you at that time. That way you make it plain that you are never going to be blackmailed or dance to his tune and if he thinks he is going to treat you in the way he treats your daughter and orders you about he has another think coming!!! Good luck and stay strong, for all your sakes, as the longer he is allowed to domineer the more he will.

What a blinking cheek. How dare this man tell you what you should do in your own home.

He won’t allow you to look after his son at his house. The child must come to your house but only if you (tidy) make your house child safe enough first. If you think your DGC would be fine in your house as it is you need to tell them that. You could also remind them that there’s always day nursery.

We all love our grandchildren dearly but sometimes a line has to be drawn. Your SiL doesn’t sound like a very nice person but your DD needs to stand up to him, she shouldn’t be allowing SiL to treat you this way,

Your SIL is a disgraceful embarrassment to his sex.

grumppa 🤗

OP, can I suggest that you talk this situation through with your daughter when you meet up with her? Tell her that while you would love to have your grandchild for one or two days a week (or whatever suits), you are not going to be emptying your spare room. Her child needs to learn to fit in with normal family life, and as time goes by, be taught that there are things he can touch, and things he can’t, and that putting him in a play room won’t teach him those things. Point out that you need that room for other things, which is why you suggested babysitting at her home, but if they're not happy to accept your offer as is, then perhaps she'd better start looking around for a proper nursery.

If she says, but DH is worried that the baby won't be safe in the sitting room with you, because of the cats or whatever, and you really need to make the effort if you want to look after the little one, then tell her that you'll consider clearing the room, once you've got into the routine of having him, as she may change her mind, and decide she can't bear to leave him and go back to work, or the baby may not be happy being with you, or you might find having him too much, so far better to have a trial run, and then once you've established it's going to work, perhaps she can give you a hand to clear the room. Tell her you've offered to care for your grandchild because you love him, and want to spend time with him, but you're not going to rearrange your home, until you see how things go. As things stand, I think it highly likely you'll go to all the effort of clearing the room, only for her DH, to come up with some other excuse why you can't look after the baby.

Depending on your relationship with her, I would also tell her that you are not going to be dictated to by her husband, about what you do when you care for their son, and ask her why she has allowed him to ban you from the house, until you agree to his BLACKMAIL!! Ask her if he controls her too. Does he not like her spending time with other Mum's, maybe puts obstacles in the way, but of course, only because he 'knows' that they talk about her behind her back, or they're not good for her, or some other ridiculous excuse that he comes up with. Ask her if he's doing his fair share of child care, and whether he has a night out, and if so, whether she gets one too. Obviously only you know if you can be blunt with her, or whether you need to tread carefully for fear of her stomping off in a paddy, because you've criticised her husband, but you do need to let her know that you’re not blind to his controlling habits, and that if she ever needs to get away, you will ALWAYS find room for her and the baby.

This does sound a bit alarming. Not saying you shouldn't clear out the room but I would be very concerned about your DD. It doesn't sound like she is very happy with her DH dictating things to her. Sounds like she needs support from you so you can keep an eye on what is going on.
It is a bit of a waste of a room to have it filled with all these things so a clearcut might be in order. It would be useful to have a spare bedroom for people to stay over though. In our experience small children want to be with you not in a different room to play. We had an old cot updated in a bedroom though for sleeps. Now DGS1 and DGD sleep in separate rooms when they stay over so both spares are set up as bedrooms. DGS2 sleeps with me in my bed. They are 11, 8 and 6 now. We do a fair amount of childcare though.

Clearout not clearcut! Christmas decs etc are all in loft.

NangelaMary, I think you know your SIL is a bully. Your DD wants to meet you at a play gym , I suspect she is afraid of him . If you take care of your GC it should be on your terms , you are doing them a favour - it is not the other way round. Keep close to your DD , I suspect she will need you in the future. Go to the play gym to see your GS and your DD. Listen to your DD and see if you are able to discover how she really is .

Cheeky buggers!
Keep your spare room as it was! It’s your spare room to do with as you wish.
Have a travel cot in your bedroom and camera for naps at yours.
Use your living room and just keep it child friendly …
(…have a room for DGC to play in safely😂🤣😂)
They are taking the Micky 😡

I need to mention the elephant in the room. It sounds like your SIL is blackmailing you that if you don't make a room clear for your grandson you won't be seeing him until you do! I also suspect that your SIL is also expecting you to do childcare which you need to nip in the bud now!

I would have thrown him out of the house there and then. Then told my daughter she's welcome to visit with the baby but never to bring him again
It's blackmail and I would never give in to it regardless of the cost
Plus I would shame him on FB and tell everyone I know, including his family.
A child is not a bargaining tool. I was used as a pawn in my parents marriage and feel very strongly about this.

The cost of estrangment?

Thankfully in real life, I am not sure I know of anyone in that situation.

But on this forum at least, the stories are heartbreaking

Yes even estrangement. Once you give in to blackmail it is never a one off.
I'm of the opinion they will need her before she needs them. Especially as her daughter isn't happy about her DH saying that to her mother and is arranging a meeting with mum and DGC that he probably knows nothing about.

Thankyou for all your replies, which were much appreciated.
Update- Yesterday we were able to visit our daughter and grandson again in their home, and visits are now thankfully back to normal ! We are sorting out the spare bedroom, so in a way the situation has made us get on with that and we have bought lots of plastic storage boxes to help with that, and which will certainly help in restoring the spare bedroom into what it is supposed to be ! It will also become again a welcome bedroom for our daughter and grandson should they ever need to stay ! Our SIL does have an asthma problem so maybe he was worried about his son developing this too- and I suspect he also has OCD which must be difficult for them. I feel when a new baby is born into a family there are many adjustments and accommodations to be made within the family especially with childcare, before everything settles down into a routine everyone is happy with. Hopefully this time next year or even before we will all be sorted and in a much better place. Re- any controlling behaviour, we will be watching and listening ( eyes and ears wide open )!

You are a wise woman NangelaMary. I hope that your generosity of spirit is appreciated by your family.

That is all great news.

Good news NangelaMary

Sometimes it takes a kick up the proverbial to motivate us but this was a rather sharp one.

I hope all goes well in future.

NotSpaghetti

I would have said no.
I don't understand why helping out occasionally involves a room for the purpose?
Do you have a sitting room?

We look after our grandchildren as required but I would not be clearing out rooms for them to just play in.

I think your daughter and son in law are making assumptions about you and childcare.
Please tell them now that you will do occasional days and emergencies but not regular childcare. If they don't bring childcare up I think you must!

Gransnetters (and my friends) are often doing more childcare than they want to do. Some are constantly exhausted.
Better to offer "too little" initially and increase it later (if you find it easy) than to cut back later!

This!