Almost 5 year old granddaughter

Ali23
Brilliant idea

Oh my .. This is a true horror story ..

The best advice I could provide is: They need therapy .. And very seriously ..

ali23 but that’s the whole point grandfather (now her allotted Dad) won’t allow her to call her real mum by the title ‘Mum’ or the new half sister ‘Sister’ so although a photo book would be a great idea it still wouldn’t solve the title problem
Cafe does she call grandad, grandad or dad ?
If girlfriend is mum could real mum be Mama or Mam
Maybe tell her she can talk about her sister to you but grandad ( dad) likes her to just use the baby’s name Kids on the whole are pretty savvy and will quickly work out who they can say what to you could say to her so we don’t get in a muddle maybe best if you call Jennifer mum and your daughter Mam
It shouldn’t be like this at all poor kid but if it keeps grandad happy and off her back ( he sounds a bit over powering)
might be worth it I hope he’s good with the little girl

Hi there I'm just wondering if it would help the child to have a professional involved to guide her?

I think Wyllow3's "Mummy Gill and Mummy Janet" idea is brilliant. Another idea is "Mamma" (for one mother figure) and "Mummy or Mum" for the other.

Retired children’s solicitor here. So , legally, maternal grandpa is this child’s father. Birth mum has no parental rights. OP stays as grandma and granddad's girlfriend has no legal rights. Unless orders have been made that are not mentioned here . So, the parent ( grandad) technically , calls the shots. The girlfriend, however much care she has done, cannot dictate anything. But as the child knows about her birth mum and wants to call her mum, he’s on very dodgy ground , emotionally speaking, trying to stop this. And it is likely it will get worse as she gets older . Adoption can be extremely tricky for little kids, especially if they know their birth mum has a child they have kept, but couldn’t keep them. There is no reason why she can’t have different names for her different” mothers” and that she can decide. The last thing she needs is the adults round her arguing about who calls who a particular name. Far bigger bridges to cross coming up!

I would stick with the names Jenny and Grandpa.
I'd call the baby by their given name and the biological mum (and partner) by theirs.

This makes life so much simpler.
I think these days lots of children have blended families.
She can know her mother is her mother and still call her by her given name.

Our children always called us by our first name. They knew who we were even as little ones.

The alternative is "Mummy Jenny" if there needs to be a title as well as a name.

Her sister (surely) only needs a name.

There is some really good advice on here. I can't improve on it but wish you all the best.

I could imagine working with an ex and his girlfriend may at times not be easy but it sounds as if you have a good working arrangement. I am happy you have good access to your granddaughter.

My granddaughter, who is also nearly five, knows I am her mother's mother and I am called Mormor (mother's mother) in the Swedish custom.. She also has a Granny and Grammy (my ex's wife). She also knows she is my granddaughter. But if anyone says "That's your Granny" she says "No she isn't, she is Mormor." That is just who I am. The name is irrelevant.

You can explain truthfully if you are asked but I think I'd go along with the name and explain when necessary.

A friend of mine is the legal guardian of her granddaughter and has been since the child was 1 , she’s now 4 . This was for the same reason as the OP. Both the child’s parents are addicts who sadly get clean and then start using again . The child calls my friend and her DH gran and grandad . This was recommended by the social worker , and she calls her parents mum and dad . She’s been told that her parents are ill and can’t care for her, which she has accepted.
I would suggest the OP gets professional help for her family going forward .

I have had complicated - I and my DS consider his half siblings, as brothers and sister. He made it clear to me aged about 10, that he wanted to meet and play with his brothers and sister.
He considers them brothers and sister, not half.

Are you in the USA cafe549? In England a grandfather would be given parental responsibility through a Special Guardianship Order, sharing PR with the birth mother. Family adoptions no longer happen.

A life story book is usually made with input from key people. It grows with the child, as her questions become more complicated, age appropriate info is added.

Didn’t any of the issues you raise get addressed by the agency involved ? It may be worth considering a couple of sessions with people/psychologists who specialise - could help you all agree the most helpful way to answer this little gurkmx

Poor child. Don't confuse her any more. Granddad is called just that, the woman is not her mother, just use the Christian name, you Nan or Gran. Any questions she has, just answer truthfully, lies just confuse. You cannot tell her at five her mother is a drug addict, distract, I would only say when she really pushes it. The main thing for her is love and constancy. When she in double figures she needs to know the truth about her parents because of their addiction were unable to look after her but you all loved her more than anything so you asked for her to be yours so she is very special.
I am so glad I never had this happen.

If this child wants to call the key woman in her life mummy why stop that?
Don’t distract - give age appropriate information. Birth Mummy loved you but she wasn’t able to care for yiu

I believe the OP is in the US Iam. Private adoption is allowed there, unlike the UK, and many private adoptions take place within the family. This appears to be just such a case.

She is trying to normalise her situation and at such a young age it's hard for her as she doesn't have the mental capacity to deal with the situation. I don't think your Ex is dealing with this properly tbh. He can't expect a child to have contact with their Birth mother and and new child and not be able to call her what the child wants because at the end of the day it's confusing enough for her as it is. I would encourage her to call them what she wants to call them and I am sure this will evolve over time.

I thought so, thanks morningmist.

It sounds like she desperately wants a mum and dad in her life . Let her decide who she wants to call mum or dad . What does it matter as long as she happy .
She'll understand better as she gets older. Deal with today and face the future when it comes .

I’m with Nanato3 on this. I can think of so many children insisting on calling their foster carer ‘mum’. The powers that be had banned this, auntie x was accepted but mum not. I went to the funeral of a foster mother not long ago. I couldn’t count the number of adults aged 20-50 there, all referring to her as ‘mum’

It seems the ex is the real problem here, laying down rules about what the child can call other people and not wanting to discuss. It’s a shame, I think, that he was the adopter rather than the OP, but that’s water under the bridge.

Have to say, despite some of the confusion, you do all appear to live this little girl very much and she seems happy.

So long as this little one s safe, happy and loved that’s the very main thing, everything else will eventually sort takes out.

Sorry but I think it's the family who are confusing the child with their 'wishes' to be called certain things. Is it really that important in the grand scheme of things. The little girl has a loving family, but there's too many ego's at stake here. They should all back off, and let HER find her way and call them whatever SHE feels comfortable with. All of this is not her fault, and you are all putting too much pressure on her.

This poot little child is just trying to make sense, and create order, in a complicated life. The adults in her life should back off and let her call the people in her life as she perceives them. The adults should support her and be open with information so she can navigate her own way.

The child should be allowed to call the adults whatever she feels comfortable with. The adults need to put the little girl first instead of their own egos or feelings.

If calling the gf, who acts as a mother, ‘Mum’ makes her feel secure and loved, so be it. If having two Mums, a Grandpa Dad and grandparents is what works for her, then leave it alone. My only other suggestion is a child therapist to support her with navigating complicated family dynamics.

I don't think proper checks were made on this family, sorry. I feel sorry for the child. As for grandad wanting to be known as daddy, words fail. Are no checks made on a child after adoption! If she had been adopted by other than family, she would be in a family set up with a mom and dad. All she has now is confusion, there will be trouble ahead.

I’m in agreement with those who say the child needs to lead the way: in who she calls what, in the questions she asks. The most important thing for all the adults to do is to avoid telling her things, unasked, and instead to be responsive and open any time she asks a question. That way she will know she can ask, and she will ask only at the level she is ready to hear.

I think it’s good to avoid correcting her directly, but the adults to continue to use the appropriate names for people: Grandpa, Jenny, Grandma, etc. She will work it out in her own time.

When she wants to know why she can’t live with her birth mother and the new baby can, it’s great to use language like ‘when you were born, mummy wasn’t well, and wasn’t able to take care of you. You were so special and scrumptious (sorry, a particularly English word!) that Grandpa decided there and then that you would live with him instead! So he adopted you, because we didn’t know if mummy would get better. But then she did get much better, so Grandpa decided he didn’t need to adopt the baby, which is why the baby lives with mummy and you live with Grandpa and Jenny and <all the other names of people she lives with>

My favourite book of all time for any form of family is Under the Love Umbrella by Davina Francesca Bell (no idea if available in the US but I assume so). It’s a picture book perfect for her age, with a simple poem running through a line per page, all about no matter where you are you will always be under my love umbrella. The key is in its simplicity — the words only include ‘you’ and ‘me/I’ so there is no gender indicated. And the illustrations are beautiful, and represent every form of family you can think of. For this little girl it sounds like she might see herself in several different versions of the illustrations to cover all the different homes she is connected to. It’s just the best book to tell any child that they are loved even when you aren’t with them.