Depression - what would you do.

A lot has changed in the last 12 years in regard to mental health.

As someone else said, you can lead a horse to water but if your MIL doesn't take steps to help herself things won't improve.

I have had depression and anxiety over the years and my son had a stint in a clinic after a very difficult period last year.

Thankfully he is now settled in a job he loves and he and his family are now fully enjoying life.

It was very tough on him, and therapy was hard work but it was worthwhile as he too couldn't see anyway out of the sadness and anxiety which engulfed him.
He also experienced other peoples difficulties while in care and realised he needed to continue treatment before he sunk even lower.

What we both understand from lived experience is that the person suffering must really want help, and they need to want to help themselves. The stigma regarding mental health issues has diminished greatly and there are lots of new and effective treatments available now.

Mammy, have you explained to her that 3 days of no sleep is actually feeding the depression. There appears to be an unhealthy co-dependence with hubby, perhaps both of them could be helped professionally?

All I can suggest is you and hubby continue to work on getting both of them to consider professional help, and other than this perhaps step back for awhile?

Good luck, she is a lucky woman to have a DIL like you x

Quote She loves going to a funeral. Strange !

I can relate to what you say Dreadwitch. Are you able to say what might have contributed to your improvement?

I was your mil. I still am to some extent. I love my grandkids and look after them often, especially the young whose 3. That doesn't change my depression. Nor did hobbies or any other thing.
I do have some physical health issues that make me less able to do things but the majority is mental. I've had severe depression and anxiety most of my life, medication helps minimally, therapy doesn't help, at least not what's available on the nhs. Socialising makes it worse because it exhausts me, I'm partially nocturnal although I'm far better now than I was a few years ago. I felt as though I was festering away just waiting to die.

No amount of encouragement made any difference unfortunately.

Would she go to the doctor to discuss things if you accompanied her? It's so sad to be trapped in depression.

Does she have any contact with a CPN or OT. Here there is an older people Mental Health Service. Has she been referred to a Consultant Psychiatrist? It may be that there is something else going on, on top of the depression. What medication is she taking, and has it been reviewed. Imo, you are very caring and she needs further medical input

Georgesgran

There are Mt61 or rather were, as I think the other has gone.

Like others, I think the OP has been doing a cracking job trying to help her MIL. You can take the horse to water but ……. etc.

So true Georgesgran

Or is MIL open to the idea that ,through no fault of her own, her brain works in a different way and she might need support?

Does MIL openly acknowledge that she has a problem/ depression?

Yes. A dog is great for both love and getting out...

Has she ever considered a pet? Especially a dog?
She would have something to go out every day for, & just exchange a few words with other dog walkers, & dogs are a good antidote to social media & sleeping in.
I think the lunch club idea good too.

I know you say she won't (or can't) do things but I wonder if a lunch club exists where she lives.

The one near me collects people from their homes once a month and takes them for a pub meal. It brings them home afterwards.

It's not as challenging as many activities.

I do know one couple who really struggled to enjoy life who perked up a lot just by having something easy and "sociable" to look forward to.

I am in no way minimising the problems of Depression and do realise that food may be of no interest to them anyway.

Thinking of you all.

There are Mt61 or rather were, as I think the other has gone.

Like others, I think the OP has been doing a cracking job trying to help her MIL. You can take the horse to water but ……. etc.

Is there two threads on this subject?

Good advice to look after yourself. MIL is lucky to have such a caring DIL. Wondered if you have asked her what she would like out of life and how she thinks you can help her? Best wishes for being so supportive. The emotional ripples of anxiety and depression spread to all those close to sufferers. People have to tread their own paths, even though it is hard to watch.

I wonder if MIL had broken both legs and an arm would we be so speedy to tell her to get on with it?

Possibly not, some compassion and encouragement surely?
But not at cost to yourself.

As everyone has said, Mammy, this is not something that you can fix, however kind and motivated you are ( and you are!).
A dear friend has serious depression, which is held at bay only by medication. Love and support from her family and friends is not enough to make her feel well.
The person suffering the condition has to be ready to look for help in the right places.
Until then, you must live your life the very best you can, for your family.

I also know someone like this. She lived for her family and supported her high-achieving DH all her life. They were both very hardworking but never went on holiday or did activities other people might consider fun.
During the pandemic she took to her bed and has practically stayed there- she doesn't go out much, finds everything a chore and doesn't even do social media.
Both herself and DH are quite wealthy but don't spend any money.
However, very recently she has begun seeing a psychologist. I don't know if anyone suggested it or she did it herself.
Who knows if it will make a difference?
As others have said- sometimes you have to leave alone and not shoulder responsibilities that aren't yours.

What a caring DIL you are, you have tried everything to help mil but in truth you can't alter any thing. Your husband, though understanding has realised this. Depression is truly awful and no one chooses to have it. I do hope you and DH have breaks and enjoy life and don't let mil problems override you as a couple.

Mammy

I really appreciate that. To be fair to him my DH has tried for 20-30 years. The relationship is very good , he just accepts what cannot be changed.

I think your point on this is maybe one I’m missing g. I’m trying to “fix” but equally it’s the individual that can only change (with the right support)

Thank you !

Sorry I got the wrong impression about your husband, and I apologise. To be fair, now that you have explained in more detail, I think he is right to accept what cannot be change, which I exactly what I said!
Another poster said your life can’t be on hold while you watch your Mil’s, and that is so true. Relax and enjoy yourselves, you and your husband. You have done your duty!

Whilst you can’t stop her reading things online you could cut back a lot on family news which she is going to worry about, she doesn’t need to know if one of you is having a hard time at work or a GC has had a problem. A review of her state and medication might help. You need to protect yourself and family a bit more

leave it! You say that you care very deeply for her and that you' find it difficult to watch her life slip away'
your life cannot be on hold while you watch hers!
live your life!

Nobody chooses depression. Nobody

It would appear that OP's husband has tried to help and is protecting his own wellbeing?

Any minute now, somebody will suggest " joining things", probably the U3A.

It's a nasty thing depression.

I really appreciate that. To be fair to him my DH has tried for 20-30 years. The relationship is very good , he just accepts what cannot be changed.

I think your point on this is maybe one I’m missing g. I’m trying to “fix” but equally it’s the individual that can only change (with the right support)

Thank you !