Depression - what would you do.

While I can understand you being worried for your MIL, I can’t see what you can do.
Depression is extremely difficult to cure, even with proper medical help, so I don’t see what you can do in addition to what you are already doing.
Your husband is no help, which is disgraceful considering it is HIS mother. How unkind of him.
It sounds to me as though you have done all you can do. You say this has been going on for years but she hasn’t changed, so why are you carrying on banging your head against a brick wall? If that’s the life your MIL has chosen, there’s not a lot you can do that you are not already doing, and perhaps you should just let her get on with it.
You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves!

I really appreciate that. To be fair to him my DH has tried for 20-30 years. The relationship is very good , he just accepts what cannot be changed.

I think your point on this is maybe one I’m missing g. I’m trying to “fix” but equally it’s the individual that can only change (with the right support)

Thank you !

It would appear that OP's husband has tried to help and is protecting his own wellbeing?

Any minute now, somebody will suggest " joining things", probably the U3A.

It's a nasty thing depression.

Nobody chooses depression. Nobody

leave it! You say that you care very deeply for her and that you' find it difficult to watch her life slip away'
your life cannot be on hold while you watch hers!
live your life!

Whilst you can’t stop her reading things online you could cut back a lot on family news which she is going to worry about, she doesn’t need to know if one of you is having a hard time at work or a GC has had a problem. A review of her state and medication might help. You need to protect yourself and family a bit more

Mammy

I really appreciate that. To be fair to him my DH has tried for 20-30 years. The relationship is very good , he just accepts what cannot be changed.

I think your point on this is maybe one I’m missing g. I’m trying to “fix” but equally it’s the individual that can only change (with the right support)

Thank you !

Sorry I got the wrong impression about your husband, and I apologise. To be fair, now that you have explained in more detail, I think he is right to accept what cannot be change, which I exactly what I said!
Another poster said your life can’t be on hold while you watch your Mil’s, and that is so true. Relax and enjoy yourselves, you and your husband. You have done your duty!

What a caring DIL you are, you have tried everything to help mil but in truth you can't alter any thing. Your husband, though understanding has realised this. Depression is truly awful and no one chooses to have it. I do hope you and DH have breaks and enjoy life and don't let mil problems override you as a couple.

I also know someone like this. She lived for her family and supported her high-achieving DH all her life. They were both very hardworking but never went on holiday or did activities other people might consider fun.
During the pandemic she took to her bed and has practically stayed there- she doesn't go out much, finds everything a chore and doesn't even do social media.
Both herself and DH are quite wealthy but don't spend any money.
However, very recently she has begun seeing a psychologist. I don't know if anyone suggested it or she did it herself.
Who knows if it will make a difference?
As others have said- sometimes you have to leave alone and not shoulder responsibilities that aren't yours.

As everyone has said, Mammy, this is not something that you can fix, however kind and motivated you are ( and you are!).
A dear friend has serious depression, which is held at bay only by medication. Love and support from her family and friends is not enough to make her feel well.
The person suffering the condition has to be ready to look for help in the right places.
Until then, you must live your life the very best you can, for your family.

I wonder if MIL had broken both legs and an arm would we be so speedy to tell her to get on with it?

Possibly not, some compassion and encouragement surely?
But not at cost to yourself.

Good advice to look after yourself. MIL is lucky to have such a caring DIL. Wondered if you have asked her what she would like out of life and how she thinks you can help her? Best wishes for being so supportive. The emotional ripples of anxiety and depression spread to all those close to sufferers. People have to tread their own paths, even though it is hard to watch.

Is there two threads on this subject?

There are Mt61 or rather were, as I think the other has gone.

Like others, I think the OP has been doing a cracking job trying to help her MIL. You can take the horse to water but ……. etc.

I know you say she won't (or can't) do things but I wonder if a lunch club exists where she lives.

The one near me collects people from their homes once a month and takes them for a pub meal. It brings them home afterwards.

It's not as challenging as many activities.

I do know one couple who really struggled to enjoy life who perked up a lot just by having something easy and "sociable" to look forward to.

I am in no way minimising the problems of Depression and do realise that food may be of no interest to them anyway.

Thinking of you all.

Has she ever considered a pet? Especially a dog?
She would have something to go out every day for, & just exchange a few words with other dog walkers, & dogs are a good antidote to social media & sleeping in.
I think the lunch club idea good too.

Yes. A dog is great for both love and getting out...

Does MIL openly acknowledge that she has a problem/ depression?

Or is MIL open to the idea that ,through no fault of her own, her brain works in a different way and she might need support?

Georgesgran

There are Mt61 or rather were, as I think the other has gone.

Like others, I think the OP has been doing a cracking job trying to help her MIL. You can take the horse to water but ……. etc.

So true Georgesgran

Does she have any contact with a CPN or OT. Here there is an older people Mental Health Service. Has she been referred to a Consultant Psychiatrist? It may be that there is something else going on, on top of the depression. What medication is she taking, and has it been reviewed. Imo, you are very caring and she needs further medical input

Would she go to the doctor to discuss things if you accompanied her? It's so sad to be trapped in depression.

I was your mil. I still am to some extent. I love my grandkids and look after them often, especially the young whose 3. That doesn't change my depression. Nor did hobbies or any other thing.
I do have some physical health issues that make me less able to do things but the majority is mental. I've had severe depression and anxiety most of my life, medication helps minimally, therapy doesn't help, at least not what's available on the nhs. Socialising makes it worse because it exhausts me, I'm partially nocturnal although I'm far better now than I was a few years ago. I felt as though I was festering away just waiting to die.

No amount of encouragement made any difference unfortunately.

I can relate to what you say Dreadwitch. Are you able to say what might have contributed to your improvement?