Would you be happy? Future housing concerns.

You still have not said what would happen if you died before your husband. Does he expect your children to wait for years for their share of the inheritance? Is it one rule for his family and another, less favourable for your family?
I know of five instances where the younger wife died before the husband. It does happen unfortunately. Don't assume anything.

I think it would be kinder to give each other a lifetime interest to live in the home you have together and for the children to receive that part of the inheritance when you are both deceased. I think a home is different to money in the bank or shares in a portfolio etc.

It’s a bad idea to make any practical large decisions the first year. The brain fog and shock can be awful. 🤷‍♀️

Then it can take a while to find and buy a home.

I would have said 3-4 years is more practical and gives time for the grief to subside a bit.

It is do nothing in the first year, not the first 2 years.

There is much sense in that because often in the first awfulness of grief people do make decisisons that they later regret, but this is a guide not commandment and it doesn't stop you planning ahead. Should your DH die first you will have a year to start recovering from the shock of his loss and plan the future and then put the house on the marketat the beginning of the second year.

Obviously there is no hard and fast rule, but I have seen people, in the early months of grief make sudden decisions and activate them that later they deeply regret but cannot reverse. In one case I am convinced it led to the early death of a friend.

It sounds as if a chat would help. Share your anxiety with your husband. Reassure him you understand his thinking while pointing out the emotional and practical pressure a two year time limit would put you under. Also how difficult major change is when anyone is adapting to such a huge and emotional loss. If you have a widowed mutual friend it might help him to hear their experience. I totally understand your anxiety which is rooted in the depth and strength of your marriage, surely something to be viewed positively and your husband to prize. .

Hi to answer a few questions.
I am 69 and my husband is 75.
We have been together for many years but only married 5.
We are both fit and healthy now but my family certainly seem to live longer than his (both his parents died of cancer in their 60’s and mine made late 80’s/93).
We own the house as tenants in common with his share being slightly larger.
To be honest I have a good pension of my own and will get an excellent one from my husband so money is not actually my worry it’s just the two year limit that worries me and what if I haven’t moved on by then.
The idea of moving somewhere smaller now is a good one and we have actually looked but this one suits us now with the amount of kids/grandkids we have and he is loathe to move as it’s next door to his golf club!

I presume you own the property as tenants-in-common?
( If joint tenants, the house passes to the surviving spouse automatically. )
As we each have adult children from previous marriages, we made sure the surviving spouse would not have to sell on first death, so the step children have to wait for that part of their inheritance.
My husband also split his other assets equally between me and his two children, so I had immediate access to cash to do necessary renovations and long overdue work on house and garden.

It is just over two years since my husband died and I would have really struggled to clear and sell the house by now. I have still not quite finished all the sorting and clearing and would not have been able to sell it so quickly.
I think you need some discussion.

How old are you both now?

Would it be an option to buy a small place for both of you now, rather than leaving that to you to sort out at a time when you are grieving and have a lot to sort out. Your husband, as it stands, has (I assume) somewhere nice to live out his life, but you are expected to downsize and live somewhere smaller, potentially without the things that remind you of your life together around you, and this could go on for years.

Maybe put that idea to him? See how he would feel about living in a flat or whatever, and if he doesn't like it, he should think about why he is asking you to do it.

I understand that if he has more income/capital he should leave more to his AC, but that should come after you, unless you are nearer in age to his children than to him.

Maybe we need more information to make relevant suggestions?

It depends on your health too doesn’t it? You may not feel up to moving in two years time.
I wouldn’t accept it tbh and think your DH should be more concerned with what you want and need after he’s gone.

These are the questions I'd be asking myself -
Will two years allow you plenty of time to sell and buy something you like.
Have you someone you can stay with if you can't find somewhere to buy after selling.
Is he leaving you some contingency for upkeep/repairs, his share of bills (who's paying funeral costs) etc for the two years you may be living in it alone.

Nannynoodles

Thanks Silverbrooks, yes I do but he could probably buy my share if he wanted to do so.
Not sure if either of us would want to stay for long anyway, it’s much too big for one.

With longevity being what is can be nowadays, life interests can mean the next generation may not inherit for a very long time. This sounds like as sensible solution.

As you get on well with your step-children, if the time does come, they will surely show some latitude over the timing so that you don’t feel pressured into buying something that isn’t right for you.

A time limit can also focus the mind on disposing of personal possessions and clutter.

I’ve been widowed 20 years now. I donated most of DH’s clothes and other personal possessions soon after his death as I figured the various charities could use the money. (I kept his shirts to made a quilt.) But it has taken that 20 years to get around to clearing out papers and other things. It took a water tank leak over the room he used as his office and the need to redecorate, to make me do that! I’ve still got a garage full of his tools and other stuff. Has I been in position where I had to move, I would have kept a small supply of essential tools and sent the rest to the general auction rooms years ago.

What happens, if through no fault of your own, it doesn't sell within two years?

Aldom

What is your wish, if you should pre-decease your husband? How soon would he be expected to sell the house in order to give your share of the proceeds to your children?
It seems a one sided arrangement to me. Also, does your husband's pension come to you if he dies first?

Quite! Does this idea go both ways round and he'd also be kicked out pretty soon if you died first?

I wouldnt be happy myself - even if I felt I'd have enough money to sort myself out with somewhere smaller/wanted somewhere smaller anyway.

It's understandable for him to want his children to have "his" - but I would say fair enough to expect them to wait for it until you are also dead.

What are your respective ages and state of health? I know no-one can ever tell just how long they are likely to have left and you can't necessarily go by state of health in the event.

For instance, my mother told me my genetic inheritance - and because there is SO much heart stuff on both sides of my family and my erstwhile brother got it SO young = I came to the conclusion that my parents would probably die from that in their 50's and accepted that. My brother would probably die sometime before his 50's (as we've got this heart gene doubled-up on us). I look after my health better than my brother and assumed I'd die from it in my 50's. All round that was how I thought it would be - and I shrugged and accepted that.

My erstwhile brother was still alive (the last I knew) in his late 60's, I'm here (currently early 70's). Our parents both died at 93 years old. The difference to what I expected basically boils down to all 3 of them have had various procedures etc that didn't exist in previous generations.

So one can never tell - the apparently younger/healthier person may be the first to go. None of us know the answer to that.

What is the arrangement if you go first?

He probably just does not want the sale to drag on for ever so is setting a time limit without realising how long it takes to sell a house and cope with being widowed. If you suggested 3 or 4 years he would probably happily change it.

Thanks Silverbrooks, yes I do but he could probably buy my share if he wanted to do so.
Not sure if either of us would want to stay for long anyway, it’s much too big for one.

What is your wish, if you should pre-decease your husband? How soon would he be expected to sell the house in order to give your share of the proceeds to your children?
It seems a one sided arrangement to me. Also, does your husband's pension come to you if he dies first?

Do you feel this is reasonable?

Yes, I do.

If he does predecease you then it will spur you on to make the necessary changes.

I can virtually guarantee that someone will come along and tell you not to make an major decisions in the first two years of widowhood. It’s an oft repeated trope based on no logic whatsoever and can often lead to drifting and inaction.

Grief is hard but you may welcome the activity if the time comes.

Presumably you have a reciprocal clause in your own Will.