Is what I have done so very wrong?.

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1283858-daughter-wants-to-terminate-at-16-weeks

My i ask if this is the same daughter who mentioned in the thread above?

I don’t understand your daughter’s reaction and I can imagine it’s made you feel rotten when all you did was say a simple thank you to hardworking staff ! Just leave it and wait and see if she thinks better of it. Only once in my life did I upset my dear mum with words (I was a new mum feeling hormonal and under pressure at the time and I really regretted it soon after). Hope things improve soon x

So much is expected of grandparents these days, often expected to be on duty, but always having to be careful not to over-step some invisible line defined but not explained.
Absolutely, Allira. This says it all.

Seems to me that some of today's ACs would argue with a lamppost!

OP, that was a lovely gesture. Your DD is way out of order.

I wouldn't have done it. In that situation you are a helping hand. She see it as you taking over her role when she can't fulfil it herself. That said she is feeling delicate or she might have not had such a strong reaction.

I fail to understand at all why she is so annoyed with you. I hope she has calmed down by now? Or does so very soon. It seems to be a 'thing' these days to take offence over trivial things. So sad.

Oh dear CS1958. I feel for you as I would be upset if my DD reacted like that. I think it is an over-reaction on her part, but like others have said, maybe it’s a bit of Mummy Guilt that you have done so much of the taking to/from nursery that she feels rather envious and that she’s missed out. I can understand you feeling very upset. If it had been me, I would have asked my DD first if she was happy for me to take the staff a little gift. I say this because my DD can be a bit sensitive and I’m never sure how she’ll react to a situation. You’re very kind and thoughtful and had the very best of intentions. So sorry that your DD has taken it the wrong way. She may also have felt that maybe her gift to the staff wasn’t perceived by you as being enough and therefore you had “supplemented” it with a gift of your own, which I know isn’t the case. She’s probably still very hormonal and will come round in time. Give her some space - you’ll soon be “needed” again. Does this mean that you’re not now able to see your grandchildren? That would upset me too if that’s the case. Again, give her space to think about things. You’ve apologised profusely and can’t do any more. All the best. 💐

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You have apologised and hopefully it will blow over. Our AC can be very touchy. I tread on eggshells at times 🙈

Mt61

Might be a little guilt there, on her part, that you helped out so much. Maybe with you giving a gift, it brought out that guilt, if that makes sense?
No, I don’t think you overstepped the mark, tbh. It was a kind gesture, just that!

Yes, this is probably why.

So much is expected of grandparents these days, often expected to be on duty, but always having to be careful not to over-step some invisible line defined but not explained.

I'm not speaking from experience but from reading posts on here and listening to a couple of people I know with young grandchildren, one set of whom have been cut off from seeing their young DGC because of some perceived slight.

Might be a little guilt there, on her part, that you helped out so much. Maybe with you giving a gift, it brought out that guilt, if that makes sense?
No, I don’t think you overstepped the mark, tbh. It was a kind gesture, just that!

You sound a kind person. It would never occur to me to give anything to my grandchild's teachers because I know my adult child gets them a gift at end of term and I don't know the teachers. I'm sorry that a kind gesture seems to have caused this upset. You have apologised, only in my opinion, just give your daughter the space. I think in time she will come round, you have a good relationship if you are involved with the wee one.

I think she felt you were undermining her. She probably feels guilty because she is not a stay at home mum and has to work and has to rely on you.
Added to being pregnant and this very hot weather.
Yes an over reaction but I did think you overstepped the mark a little bit and the inference was she had not thanked them enough.
Apologise as you have and carry on.

‘You can’t do right for doing wrong’.
Leave her to stew and it will all blow over.

It was something you wanted to do and, quite frankly, I don't understand why your daughter got so upset.

I'm not a "child person"....never wanted them....never had them.

The way it looks to me is like you just made a nice "thank you" type gesture...showing willing so to say.

Nowt wrong with it.....and I wouldn't even have bothered to mention it to you if I were your daughter. I'd have just mentally shrugged and thought "Oh well....no problem with that" and let it be.

Puzzled as to why she's doing a massive overreaction. She needs to get over herself. She should just appreciate the help you're giving and leave it at that.

You have done nothing wrong. Let her come round, she was out of order but with this heat and heavily pregnant she's just tetchy.

Well I agree with Hithere that at the end of the day your daughter is the parent and if that is how SHE feels about your kind little gift then that is the only opinion that actually matters in trying to resolve the situation.

I do think her reaction was over the top and unreasonable and "wanting space from you" also rather strange if just for this one thing. If I were you I would wait a while for her to contact you and see what happens. If she contacts you just when she needs childcare or help with children I would say something on the lines of:

"Yes as you know I am generally happy to help but I am not willing to just carry on without us having a calm discussion about what happened regarding my giving a present to ....! I want to understand exactly why you feel this was inappropriate and I'd like you to explain and I will listen."

If she agrees then REALLY listen. Then don't apologise endlessly etc etc. Explain your own viewpoint of your actions but in the context of her viewpoint acknowledging that she feels differently. ie have a proper adult conversation not you just desperately trying to "appease"

Before you do the above I do suggest that you do think about the "need space" comment in the context of your relationship with her.

If she foes not get in touch atall I suggest a card saying "I accept that you need space from me at the moment. It will be lovely to see you all when you feel ready"

Good luck 💐

She over-reacted massively. What an ungrateful woman. Leave her to have all the space she needs - she'll need your help soon.

You made a lovely gesture.
If you were my Mum I would be feeling very proud of you and very happy at how thoughtful you are.
Please don’t doubt yourself.

(I would go quiet and lie low to give her time to rethink things)

Sorry .. but she is bonkers ! What is the matter with these odd people ? You did nothing wrong at all ,,

sparkle1234

I think your daughter may be tired and feeling a bit sensitive. I would ignore her reaction , she's got a new baby . You've been taking your Grandaughter and picking her up so it's natural you've formed a connection with the staff and wanted to thank them . Maybe she feels a bit sad that she hadn't been free to do the preschool runs because of work commitments, all these feelings can be intense after a new baby . I don't think you've crossed boundaries at all . Give her the space she wants but I'm sure it will be shortlived .

this

I think you need to ask your daughter why she is so upset, maybe there is more to this than you think. Maybe she felt her gift wasn't good enough on its own and that is why you added more. The best thing to do is talk to her about it because none of us really know how she is feeling or what she is struggling with.

Of course it was your place to give a card and gift of thanks to the staff you've got to know over the last 2 years.

She says all her friends would feel the same then they all need to grow up; they're parents, not children.

V3ra

^My first baby was 4 months old and I took him to a childminder. I developed an irrational jealousy of the childminder and worried that I would miss his first steps and other milestones.^

A good childminder, like a good grandparent, will never see a child take their first steps.

Very well put!

We get lot's of 'little thank-yous' from grandparents at our preschool. Quiet normal here
Due to our hours we get lots of grandparents/relatives picking-up dropping off, so we build a bond with them as well as the parents.