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daughter wants to terminate at 16 weeks

(60 Posts)
CS1958 Thu 27-Aug-20 19:12:42

I joined solely to post and get some feedback. I am 63, have had a rotten year, discovering last November my husband of 39 years was having an affair. To cut a very long story short he was sorry ( only to have been caught out i am sure ) ,but we are not well off and have no family at all, apart from 2 daughters aged 34 and 31.
So we decided to try and make it work -if we had sold our home at 280k, there is not enough to buy a flat each in the part of the UK we live in. Then came Covid and we were stuck together having been living apart. I work in the NHS and was working 7 days through April and May. I then decided we would have to sell as i discovered so much more that i could not accept his lies. +
But then my younger married daughter tell sus she is pregnant. She was so happy and apart from the normal worries this was some great news and gave me a new feeling of purpose as she sais she would my help and i was willing to give it.
However, she has been very sick, vomiting and relentless nausea. She cries all day - her husband works abroad and is not here to help, his parents live 300 miles away.
So i have been supporting her as best i can with food, care and just being around. But now she says she cannot cope and wants to terminate. She has meds from her GP which do not help , and she is signed off sick from work. She is very poorly.

I know this is her / their decision to make, but it has blindsided me. If i try to talk to her she gets very aggressive and angry , so i back off.

I feel so disappointed in her, i support a woman's right to decide , but this is dreadful in my view. I dont want a wedge to come between us , because i know deep down i am being selfish hoping for a grandchild to fill a void.
But just when i thought life couldnt get any worse for me , it did.
People wil be told she has had a miscarriage , and i will keep her secret, but i dont recognise her now - and that is what my husband did to me, he lived 2 lives.
My sadness isnt just for me - as she so wanted the baby , she cant cope and cant work...
Any words welcome as i cannot tell my friends - i am too ashamed,

Smileless2012 Thu 27-Aug-20 19:19:53

I don't know what to say but didn't want to ignore your heart breaking post. All I can think of to say is please don't feel ashamed.

This is your D's decision. Does her H know of her decision or will she be telling him that she miss carried. I ask because if she is not going to be honest with her H, this may be too big a secret for either of you to keep.


biba70 Thu 27-Aug-20 19:23:20

oh this is so so hard, just do not know what to say- apart that I feel for you, and for her too. You will probably be 'blamed' and the baddie whatever you do. I am so sorry.

tanith Thu 27-Aug-20 19:28:51

I don’t know what to say how very sad flowers

Summerlove Thu 27-Aug-20 19:32:42

What a sad situation.

Your poor daughter.

nanaK54 Thu 27-Aug-20 19:39:26

That is all so sad, sending kindest thoughts to you and your daughter flowers

Oopsadaisy4 Thu 27-Aug-20 19:52:20

It’s so sad, but I think that you have to separate your home situation from your DDs.

Sadly you can’t influence your daughter, I understand where you are coming from, but it has to be her decision, you can’t persuade her to keep going with the pregnancy because a GC would fill the gap in Your life.

I really think that you have to sort your home life out first, get yourself on an even keel with your husband, Stay together or part, maybe that will help you to come to terms with your DDs decision.

I am sorry though, I was sick and ill for 9 months with both of mine and it was really awful, it must be difficult for her to think straight if she is away from her OH, is there any chance that he could get home and be with her before she goes ahead with the termination?
But I also think that to keep a secret between you is a bad idea.

crazyH Thu 27-Aug-20 19:58:37

How sad flowers

Riverwalk Thu 27-Aug-20 20:04:12

Poor girl, I understand how she feels - I had the most dreadful hyperemesis in both pregnancies. Many women, including the Duchess of Cambridge, are hospitalised with this condition.

Can she be persuaded to call her GP and ask for an urgent referral to see if the sickness can be dealt with?

Lyndylou Thu 27-Aug-20 20:12:12

Sounds like Hyperemisis Gravida and you and your daughter completely have my sympathy. My daughter went through this, spent most of her first 5 months in and out of hospital being rehydrated. I hope your DD's GP has referred her to hospital, they see HG a lot these days. There are websites and blogs for HG sufferers which may help her. I wish I could offer more for you but as you say it is her choice and I totally understand if she can not see the pregnancy through.

Doodledog Thu 27-Aug-20 20:12:38

I feel for you, CS1958. It must be very difficult for you not to tell your daughter how you feel, but of course that would be a bad idea.

I don't see her decision as living two lives, though - to me it's more that she has made a personal choice about her life and she prefers to keep that to herself. It's really nobody else's business, although of course it won't be easy to tell lies to others - if you have to.

On the other hand, if she goes through with the termination she will lose the baby, which is all you have to say. The fact that she has opted for the procedure is incidental to the result, however difficult that is to accept, and it is absolutely not for you to feel ashamed.

I hope you can come to terms with her decision, as it looks like you are going to need one another over the coming months. The last thing she needs is to pick up on shame or disapproval from you, just as the last thing you need is to alienate her.

Jaxjacky Thu 27-Aug-20 20:16:05

Probably needs to urgently see GP again, to treat both physical (is she hydrated) and mental (depression?) health. Irrespective of her decision, would it be feasible for you to move in for a while? She must feel very lonely on her own, it may help you too.
I can only wish you luck and for you both to end up in a better situation. X

Sparkling Thu 27-Aug-20 20:24:08

I didn’t want to ignore your post. You must be devastated. I hope with all my heart your daughter changes her mind. There is nothing you can do unfortunately. You cannot influence her. Could her husband not get compassionate leave in this emergency, she sounds as if she desperately needs him.

Starblaze Thu 27-Aug-20 20:39:40

This is an awful situation and your daughter sounds like she is having an awful time.

I understand you being upset but I think you are putting too much on your daughter here. It's not fair to want her physical and mental health to suffer so that you can fill a void.

If your daughter does make a choice to carry on with the pregnancy you STILL need to address this.

The problems in your life cannot be resolved by distraction or ignoring them to focus on other people or situations.

You need to work out what You want to do with Your life and find happiness for yourself rather than depend on others to provide it.

sodapop Thu 27-Aug-20 20:48:51

You are having a difficult time CS1958 Troubles never come singly do they. As Oopsadaisy said you need to separate the two issues.
Your daughter must be struggling with all this, I expect she has talked through treatment options with her Dr. Hyperemesis is very distressing and debilitating. From your point of view a baby is not going to fill the void in your life, you need to deal with your marital situation however difficult that seems.
I hope both you and your daughter can resolve the problems in your lives, I sympathise with you both.

SueDonim Thu 27-Aug-20 20:51:15

What a tragic situation, CS1958. flowers

Leaving aside your marriage, I’d hope that your dd has been offered all the help available to manage her condition. I’ve been badly affected in 2/4 pregnancies and it’s utterly miserable. She should be under the care of a specialist in HG as she’s suffering so much, not just a GP.

FWIW, in one of my pregnancies, the condition lifted as suddenly as it arose. I woke up one morning and before I even opened my eyes, I knew that I was better and that the worst was behind me. I sincerely hope that day comes very soon to your daughter. X

GrannyLaine Thu 27-Aug-20 20:55:58

CS1958 my heart goes out to your daughter and to you. You have been honest about your personal feelings and they are valid. Firstly, I think that if your daughter feels so ill that she is considering termination and if she has only been managed by her GP, she should really be seen by the Obstetric team as there is a wide range of drugs that can really help with this horrible condition. The GP will not necessarily be able to prescribe in the same way as a hospital consultant. Obviously the eventual choice will be hers.
Another thing that she might not have considered is that future fertility is not guaranteed should she decide to try again later in life. Someone very close to me has recently discovered that she has gone through premature menopause at the age of 36. She longs for a baby and is obviously devastated.
I do hope that you can all find some resolution and peace.

GrannyLaine Thu 27-Aug-20 20:57:46

SueDonim - crossed posts. You beat me to it!

janeainsworth Thu 27-Aug-20 21:13:25

I don’t think it’s quite fair to imply that the OP wants her daughter to keep the baby to ‘fill a void’ in her own life.
I believe in a woman’s right to choose.
But I also know that I would grieve for a child lost at 16 weeks, whether through miscarriage or through a termination.

OP I feel for you & hope your daughter gets specialised help & care she needs, as others have suggested.

jenpax Thu 27-Aug-20 21:15:56

I suffered from horrendous hyperemesis in all 3 pregnancies and sadly my 3 daughters have had the same condition when pregnant.
I totally relate to how she feels, I remember discussing termination with my DH during the last pregnancy as soon as I discovered I was pregnant, as I was so scared of going through it again! I was literally bed ridden for all three pregnancies for the whole time was vomiting continuously, became severely dehydrated And lost more weight than I gained with the babies however I did come through those very dark days and I know now that help is there in a way that it wasn’t a few decades ago as my daughters were prescribed very effective medication from the hospitals when they sought help.

FarNorth Thu 27-Aug-20 21:43:54

Has your daughter told her GP that she feels so desperate, and asked for further specialist help?

I hope she is able to do that, and that she can continue the pregnancy with her much wanted baby.

Iam64 Thu 27-Aug-20 22:07:48

Nothing to add to all the kind, supportive comments here other than to say how sorry I am that you and your daughter are both in such difficult places. I hope your daughter sees herGP and gets support.

MrsWarren Thu 27-Aug-20 22:09:20

This is my first post. I made an account specifically to reply to you CS1958.

I, like your daughter, suffered hyperemesis gravidarum. In my first pregnancy I was able to control the worst of my symptoms with medication. Second pregnancy, I was bed bound for the entire 9 months, I retched so often that I had tears in my oesophagus, I was in and out of hospital for IV fluids and on a combination of medications (Cyclizine, Prochlorperazine and Ondansetron). I couldn’t brush my hair or wash. I couldn’t even read my toddler a bed time story.

I understand her desire to terminate. At my worst, I often thought about termination and how it would free me from the absolute hell I was living. Unless you have had HG you cannot understand how bad it is.

What medication has she been prescribed? The most common is usually Cyclizine. This doesn’t work for everyone so it is important to push to find something that does work. Ondansetron is by far the best medication (but it expensive and not routinely prescribed) and I would urge your daughter to push for it. There are also steroid treatments that can be explored. Has she been checked for dehydration? She may need IV fluids.

A female consultant said to me that it is shameful the way some medical professionals discount HG sufferers and their symptoms and that the medical community generally need to be educated on how severe the condition is and that there are a variety of medications to try when one doesn’t work. The medications are absolutely safe for baby.

Could you move in with her whilst her husband is away and remove the burden of housework from her? Bring her whatever food she feels she can stomach, keep her company (even if that company is sitting downstairs whilst she lies in her bed)? I could only tolerate salted crisps, small bites of mashed potatoes and sips of flat Coke.

Your daughter wants this baby so you need to imagine how bad she is feeling to be considering this option. I understand that you are upset, but please consider how devastated your daughter will be feeling. Please support her in whatever she decides. If she decides to terminate, share your upset with a trusted friend, not her. She needs your support.

biba70 Thu 27-Aug-20 22:14:33

yes, and yet. She may one day get once over this sickness and possible depression, turn out to blame you for not trying harder to stop her. So hard.

PurpleStar Thu 27-Aug-20 22:30:54

I am so sorry that you're having a very hard time.I really feel for you.I too had Hyperemesis G,I was sick literally days after I concieved(not planned but much loved) I already had 2 young children and a useless husband,but I persevered.I was hospitalized by 5 weeks.It was horrendous but never did the thought even cross my mind to terminate! As bad as I was I was over the worst by 16 weeks and able to function.Maybe your daughter is exhausted and overwhelmed and then add in a Pandemic,a partner miles away,hormones and feeling like death! If it was my daughter I'd try talking and offering facts,as she may start to pick up as the weeks go on.
As for your husband,you need to be able to move on.What a horrible time for you.I applaud you for working through this nightmare year for the NHS