Housework in your home

Just tell him you are going to go to the shop. He can either stay at home or go with you. Be quick and ready to go, let him see he is not in charge of shopping. Forget about the cleaning until he accepts there is more to keeping a home than wandering to the shop. He's in a rut and needs to get out of it, as are you.

I’ve been a widow for nearly 20 years.
I wish my husband still be with me to help around the house.
I’m 74 years old and I have all the jobs to do myself. This week I have jet washed my drive and cleaned the drains. i’m in the process of re-organising my awful garage which won’t even fit a matchbox car.
All the jobs have to be done by me .
When he was with me obviously we both worked because we were in our 50s we shared the housework, cooking etc.
I wish I had him back to tell him that he really did a job well instead of me not saying he’d not done it clean enough.
Have a talk to your husband show him some of the remarks on here and just treasure the time you have together.
It’s a lot harder on your own. 💔🤔

Foden7

This is getting me down & angry in our home.
He thinks cleaning is - hoovering
Doesn’t dust, make bed, clean scum off the shower glass, clean bathroom, clean window
Just what I can think off just now
Has started since retirement going to shop everyday!
Ask what we need- puts it on lists but comes back and he’s forgot something!
Or will ask at 9.30am wants needed from shop today- I can’t even think at that time - like my sleep. He early riser
He will not do a big shop as he won’t push a trolley so only a basket
If I can’t think wants needed- he will say get it later!
He has to go out every afternoon- wether on his own or with me if I want to
Never thinks house needs anything doing to
Paint,garden etc - although he’s not a diy

I’ve asked a few times about sharing housework as I’m not the cleaner, as he says yes I will try to remember
Does for couple of weeks, then nothing

If I can see/remember/do it why can’t he ?

He will do, and I think only to benefit himself
Washing
Tidy kitchen after tea
Take bins out
Does car maintenance
Cut grass - nothing else in the garden
Shops everyday- so he has something to eat that day

I can not keep reminding him as this is like me telling a child he’s bloody 70
Or he will say I’ll do it - not done

I can be talking to him and he’s on his tablet or mobile and he can’t even look up
I know he’s not listening - switched off

I’m I being unreasonable here ? Asking too much ?
Does your dh/dp pick what they want to do housewise ?

He sounds just like me!

My Dad (many years ago) started out similar to this, forgetting things, not being able to remember how to do things he had done before. He was only 61 when it started. He was later diagnosed with Alzheimers. Get him checked out. If it not then stop doing it all yourself just do what you want to do. When he complains draw up a rota and teach him how to do things.

It makes me sad to see women on here moaning about their husbands.
I would give anything to have mine back to moan about. (Not that I needed to moan. He was wonderful).
Be thankful for the good bits, ladies. When you’re on your own, you will realise what you are missing.

We have a little note pad with a magnet on the back stuck on the fridge. We both write on it when something runs out or we remember we need something. It’s then easy to just tear off the sheet to take shopping, no need to think at the time. It might take a tiny bit of stress away without creating you more work.
No idea how you get him to check it before he comes home though.
I would find it exhausting having to manage and delegate the household chores as well as doing them. Managers usually organise and delegate as the main part of their role. They seldom go on to do the majority of the tasks as well.

I'm sure the posters who are irritated by some aspects of their husbands' behaviour realise that they would miss them if they weren't there. Unless we are saints we all get annoyed with friends/children/grandchildren at times, but still love them dearly.

I think some of what has been posted is more about priorities than laziness or disrespect. A friend of mine moans about her husband not noticing that things need to be done, but also about her SIL who is 'too fastidious' and is always plumping up cushions or dusting skirting boards and vacuuming curtains. I think they are two sides of the same coin. What my friend sees as 'necessary' chores are things her husband doesn't prioritise, just as the things her SIL considers important are not prioritised by my friend.

My husband and I have always shared things according to who is available to do what. It was much harder when we both worked and the children were young, but now it's just us there is far less to do. I cook and he washes up. We do our own washing, don't iron much and tidy up after ourselves. At Christmas or when we have people over it's a case of all hands on deck, and we just pull together.

We are lucky enough to have a cleaner who comes in once a week and hoovers/cleans the bathroom. She also cleans paintwork or windows as necessary, so keeps on top of things. If there is a big job, such as sorting out cupboards she is happy to do extra hours, and is so much better than I am at organising that it's done in half the time.

We don't live in a showhome, but it's not a hovel, and it works for us. I think my husband and I must have similar standards - reasonably clean and tidy, but a home that's 'lived in' (ie not ready for a white glove inspection).

If you are going to stay together I think you should work round his strenghts. He likes hoovering. Thats a start employ a cleaner to do the dusting and your showers and fridges etc. He likes to go to the shops each day buy a magnetic shopping list and put it on the fridge add to it items when you have opened the last packet etc. Photograph the list on your phone before you hand it to him. Then you can ring him when he is in the shop and go over his shopping list or you can give a social reward for every time he comes back with everything or send him out in the afternoon to get what he has forgotton.

Foden7.
You could be talking about my partner. He’s just the same.
I’m sorry but I don’t think you will change him now.

Could you afford a cleaner weekly or every two weeks to take the burden off you?

Also could you meet up with girlfriends for coffee or lunch to give you a break from your DH and the housework. I go out once or twice a week with friends and thoroughly enjoy it.

As I read somewhere on your last day on earth will you say ‘I wish I had done more housework’?

As you can see housework doesn’t feature too much in my life. 😄

Sounds like mine, with the addition of complaining about what is not done and "supervising" me. e.g. he drops dirty clothes in the bath with no explanation and then asks why I have not washed said item when we have had a week of rain and I have a backlog actually IN the laundry basket

He does mop the floor, but it is he who makes it so dirty by walking his shoes into the house and then complains when I do the edges.

Foden ,
I hear you & emphasis completely.

My own DH retired fully this year January.
I feel like it is s worse than when I had 4 children st home , husband & a pt job !!

It’s a constant round of cleaning in my house , every morning is the same thing !
How do I change it ? That’s the million dollar question .

He has said many times , especially before retirement that he’d be ‘ responsible for cleaning our 2 bathrooms ‘
Well that’s happened all of twice !!

In his defence, he will shop , offers to do so & doesn’t mind pushing a trolley ( come to that neither do I )

But he will cook & does a mean roast , making it seem effortless. I hate cooking just for the two of us , it bores me rigid . I do cook , just not as often that I am familiar with the now 4year old ‘ new oven’ lol
So yes , I’m lucky .
Though tbh , I have to keep out of the kitchen when he’s cooking , as his way is definitely not on line with mine . But at the end of the day , we both clear up the mess he has made 🤪

He’ll walk our 2 small pooches daily & pop into a local Coffee shop where he’s made friends. I occasionally meet him there on my way back from somewhere or other . Or we both go together with the pooches .

I’m happy as I get that much needed time to myself, though that’s after I’ve cleaned / tidied. I’m not fastidious about house work but I like it to be done . It doesn’t have to be just so , just clean & tidy .

What gets me is the not putting things away , but that’s another post completely.

I say use the time he’s put to do your own thing

Just go out for coffee with him.!

Sorry, but he is typical of all the men I have known, father, husband, uncles, cousins, son in law. I make lists for my husband and give him time frames within which to do them. He needs instructions and then is very proud of his achievements. Lots of praise and a little input on how to get a better effect etc. Also, chocolate as a reward. Life's simple pleasures. Ha! Ha!

You ask if you are being unreasonable..Well, yes I think you are ! He seems to be trying to do his best and perhaps thinks that some of things you want doing are not necessary.

He's unlikely to change now. Lower your standards and go,a walk with him each day, fit in a coffee. He sounds lost to me. He worked all his life so it's not as if he is lazy.My husband would do gardens, cars etc. did not want him doing housework, the chaos was not worth it, he died young and how I miss him. My house always clean and tidy, would swop it all just to have him.

He's unlikely to change at this point in his life. Get him to help you as you're doing things. Dry the dishes you've washed and put them away together, move things around for you to vacuum, or ask him to vacuum while you move things around, etc. At least each task will be less (physical) effort.

I must say that my DH does the bulk of the housework, since I have stage 4 kidney disease and get very tired.

He does the washing, empties bins, dusting and sometimes hoovering.

I still do the ironing and we share the cooking.

OP, I agree with whoever said that he may be suffering from mild cognitive issues. Perhaps get him checked out at the GP.

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Crossstitchfan

It makes me sad to see women on here moaning about their husbands.
I would give anything to have mine back to moan about. (Not that I needed to moan. He was wonderful).
Be thankful for the good bits, ladies. When you’re on your own, you will realise what you are missing.

My husband is still here but very disabled after a major stroke.
This morning he watched me dusting and cleaning and he was so upset that he couldn’t help much. He used to help a lot but now can only use his non dominant hand and is mostly in a wheelchair. He can’t lift or carry anything more than a cup but I do sometimes catch him attempting to wipe down surfaces with a damp cloth! 😉

I envy you breadandjam! Now we are retired and my husband has several health conditions, it is left to me to do everything and I’m his carer. His behaviour has changed and life is very challenging for me. I just would love some support if things go wrong in the house etc, I feel it’s all down to me to sort out. I feel lonely in the marriage as there are no discussions of substance. Luckily I have supportive children but they have their own lives.