I see several possibilities in the situation, and have a few suggestions to make. Firstly, as a child , she probably is told when she is coming , with no option. When I was her age , of course it was the same. Sometimes I had been perhaps playing a game on several days with friends and it was the last bit of something, or all my friends were going to the park on that day, and even though I liked going, it still used to make me feel totally powerless that when parents said "come on" I had to just go. Then I had both granny s but one sort of wanted me to hug and kiss her and it felt smothering, because I am even now quite claustrophobic and dont like to be held very close, whereas the other granny used to give me a quick kiss and say hello etc. So you might look and see how other people greet her, and if you think that is a possibility, you could try being busy with something and say Oh I am making buns in the kitchen, hallo how are you etc., so that you are still welcoming her but she does not feel she is expected to cope with a lot of contact.
Could you find out from her dad and possibly even her mother what things she enjoys. Then rather than giving any sort of present I would be more inclined to offer to do something she enjoys. So you could ask if she wants to come swimming with you , but of course you have to enjoy swimming yourself. It will quickly become obvious if you are just doing it to find something to share, but anything you already do, whether playing golf or playing cards can give you a way to have an enjoyable time. But I do think it is important that you are genuinely asking her to join you in something that matters to you. I have never cared for shopping and would be bored out of my skin if I was asked to go round a town anywhere, but let me go to the riding school, or to a garden somewhere I couldnt be prized away!! If you have the room and she seems to enjoy it, could you give her a bit of garden for herself, where she chooses what grows there and you "look after it" when she is not with you. That would also allow you a good reason to go on whats app or whatever and show her pictures of how things are growing and ask what she wants doing with X or Y. But again it cannot just be lipservice. If she says dont water it, you can warn her that the plants might die, but you must do as she asks - and in the beginning she will test you out and may let things die on purpose. So the check mate to that is that you grow a few of the same plants in pots , so that the next time she comes and says oh they are all dead, you can say you have a few spare plants if she wants to have another go. Dont make a great song and dance about it and she may gradually come to really enjoy both the actual gardening and most children love to take something they have grown home, so the very simplest is to plant radish which grow very quickly, can be used to delinate rows with other slower growing seeds and can be both eaten, taken home to show mum and probably her class too at school if she takes to it.
So whatever you find that might interest her , again dont try and over do it, help where you can, but again you can say you have something else to do and she can start and you will come out and see how things are g oing later etc. In the winter perhaps you might teach her some card games if it is wet and miserable outside. As a teacher , I am all for it, as it is one of the most pleasant ways to really get interested in all sorts of maths, without it seeming to be work. Also simple Pairs as we called it helps with memory. Cards out face down and trying to find 2 of a kind. I teach a couple of easy patience games. Clock patience is of course useful to play but the simplest one that can be played on a tray or on a table in a train etc is where you shuffle and then lay 4 cards out. Your aim is to end up with 4 piles of all the cards of a suit. To begin you must play a red onto a black and vice versa. So if you have a red 8 and the next pile has a black 9 you put the red onto the black and then the card below the 8 is available to look at. You begin with the aces and as you continue the game you can add to each suit pile as you get one available. So you might be able to end up going right up to the Kings, but very often you are stopped by something not allowing you to go on, e.g. if the next spade you want is the 5, but it is under another card that will not go to a suit unless you can look at the other three piles and find a way to use the card above it wont work.
As others have said I can understand your feelings, but remember she is only a child, who doesnt see you often enough to really get to know you or your routine, and so her feelings may be either a worry about what she will be expected to do, or as I said, nothing actually personal but if her best friend has invited her to something, it wouldnt matter who she was visiting she would resent it. As for your husband may I suggest that you talk to him and that one other way that might help is that if he of course says hello in his normal way, but when she wants to monopolize his attention for him to say in a normal voice, not a lot of emphasis or change of tone, Oh granny and I are getting the tea ready do you want to put the plates out? If she says No, just say ok and continue doing it and taking no notice of her, so that you are simply showing that she may or may not join you and either way is ok, so she is getting no positive feedback if she is actually trying to be annoying or else wanting to be the person who calls the shots. In her house or her party maybe, but not in your place. The more you and your husband can be seen as a pair working together, the less she is going to get out of behaving differently to you, and I think you husband should not always but sometimes say, You will have to wait until later I have to do X first, or granny and I are just finishing our game or we have a few things to do in the garden, so that she sees she is important of course, but not the centre of the universe. The way she sees adults behaving towards each other in a normal way in a shared home , will surely be very good, for her to know that there are a variety of ways you can live on your own or with others and give and take will always matter , in whatever way you live or work. Dont forget to have one or two little things in your mind that you can do or speak about if she is being rude and ignoring you. So you could say to the whole room, Oh just must go and phone Mary about next weeks meeting , or whatever, so that you actually dont show any reaction to her behaviour and just carry on. Or suddenly say Oh must check on the oven, or must just dash to the post I have forgotten something. Anything that allows you to just do your own thing and not give her the satisfaction of seeing a reaction from you. Whilst it could be good for your husband or son to suggest that you might like a hug, before they see you, dont put a great emphasis on it , as again she will see that she is taking charge of the situation. She quite possibly will not totally understand what she is doing, she is only 8 and she may only see that she is getting her own way for once, rather than deliberately trying to sabotage the situation. Then have the secateurs at the ready for when they leave, ask you husband to make you some tea or coffee while you just have a few minutes in the garden and it is very satisfying to do a bit of snipping! The plant looks better and you feel relieved. No words need to be said , I tend to do the same any time I see Trump or Farage!! If the visit works a bit better, then the garden idea or the cards will give you a possibility to offer next time - would you like to learn another game, etc or you could offer a totally different idea , so she may feel too old for dolls etc but might have a precious teddy or something and you could make something for that. Or if she uses a phone already, could you show her how to take good pictures of things she has made or whatever. Hope some of this might give you some ideas.
thank you very much for this advice. I love her deeply but have withdrawn from her as I can’t take it anymore. I’m afraid I did not speak to her before she left my home after a family weekend, after she ignored my cheery good morning. Looked straight through me and carried on talking to grandad. I realised I had reached my limit. I’d rather have no relationship with her than this.
