Moving closer to adult children- hard decisions

Don't move nearer to your children, so it is said. They may well move away again, for work or other reasons.

Your husband needs some calm and stability just now, not the stress of moving.

In practical terms, OpheliaK's life is nothing like mine, so I'm trying to give an unbiased perspective.
If I were terminally ill, one of my concerns would be how my partner was going to cope after I've gone. The idea that they'd have to grieve, adjust to single life, find the energy to move while grieving, and then adjust again would make me sad.
My parents downsized 5 miles away because my dad was terminally ill, we couldn't see mum coping with a lone move after he died. And I've friends who've moved a long way with one partner really quite poorly.

I ran this by Mr C who said in the situation described he would be torn. He’d want me to be where I wanted to live, being nearer to family would be sensible. However, he’d also not want to lose contact with the oncology team and a GP who knew him. He’d suggest, finances permitting, a second home where I’d want to be, once he or I could no longer travel then either rent it out or mothball it until the inevitable happened. The one left left alive would then have a choice where to live. Once the choice was made the other property could be sold.

Not sure if I think it would work but it’s logical.

Allira

Don't move nearer to your children, so it is said. They may well move away again, for work or other reasons.

Your husband needs some calm and stability just now, not the stress of moving.

What qualifies as just now? He's been having treatment for four years, treatment still working but when it stops he'll have a few years so we could easily looking at just now being ten years or more with OP knows that at the end of that she will be older, maybe unwell herself and faced with being isolated or facing the move alone. Maybe think about what she needs.

Chardy

In practical terms, OpheliaK's life is nothing like mine, so I'm trying to give an unbiased perspective.
If I were terminally ill, one of my concerns would be how my partner was going to cope after I've gone. The idea that they'd have to grieve, adjust to single life, find the energy to move while grieving, and then adjust again would make me sad.
My parents downsized 5 miles away because my dad was terminally ill, we couldn't see mum coping with a lone move after he died. And I've friends who've moved a long way with one partner really quite poorly.

You put it well. If it was me I would want to ensure things were as easy as possible for my husband.

Life throws some curve balls alright doen't it?

When you are young you catch the ball and play with it.
Older, things appear differently.

OpheliaK

And yes, on balance I agree with the comments here that the time is not right.

Thank you all for giving me your thoughts.

But being faced with this, it makes you realise how family is all that matters, and I'd like to see more of them. It's as simple as that.

Could you be trying to substitute a solvable problem for an insoluble one? I could see myself taking that route as a distraction. Could you use the money you think of as 'available' to help your family come to you, or an hotel/apartment near you?

This is the end of your husband's life, let him live it in his own home without having the extra burden and stress of even having to think about relocation. I think he has much more important things to think about and so do you. When the worst happens you may be glad to be in your own home with memories and in your own area with friends and acquaintances.

What is the matter with you? Your husband is dying, you should put him first and forget about moving and all the upheaval it incurs.

Buy a flat near children and rent it out, using a managing agent. You will not have the full cost of two homes and flat ready when needed. You might feel problem half solved at least. Keep an eye on new legislation though, renters rights etc.

I am so sorry your husband has cancer.
We moved a long way to be nearer our children.
I wasn’t keen but persuaded by others! It was ok at first but not now. Hardly see anyone even family and I am not keen on the area! Sadly illness has taken its toll so not many choices left.
Why not stay where you are with the friends you have and a place you know.
The grass is not always greener!
I wish you both well.

Men always have there way with these decisions. It's the way of it.

Mabon, please be a little gentler when replying. You often come over as very hard and unsympathetic.

I am so sorry, what a very difficult choice.

One thought is that maintaining two properties is quite expensive and time consuming, with increased stamp duty, and community charge, etc, on the second property.

Have you thought of going to see your children and staying for a night or several each time near them in a B&B or Travelodge or similar? Some friends do something like this and say it’s much cheaper than relocating or running a second home.

On the other hand buying a flat as a second home near your children now could become your primary home when or if your husband is no longer here.

And I may have missed it, but with your husbands ongoing and probably deteriorating health issues, staying near to his current doctor and hospital might be useful.

Hope things go well, whatever you decide.

🌷

Excellent advice Madeleine. Both DH and myself have had serious health problems but reasonably ok now. We had thought of moving about 50 miles but the thought of having to sort new GPs, find our way around new hospitals was quite scary. Family are within a few miles away. If one of us passed, the one left would want to be near Family which would mean another move. We can always have a day trip to where we would've moved away to.
As for decluttering, I periodically do this just to keep things tidy and upto date, for whatever reason it may be needed.in the future.
Ophelia... I wish you all the best

Cadenza123

Going against the grain I think that moving sooner rather than later is a good idea. Huw about starting to declutter now with a view to putting the house up for sale in the new year? You are fully entitled to want to move closer to your children in your present circumstances. You don't have to sacrifice your self.

Totally agree with you, I would want my family close by if my husband was living with terminal cancer

We moved whilst my husband was ill, he planned the house changes and we lived in temp accommodation for 3 months, he loved it and especially seeing the changes in the house. I too appreciate that you or your husband seem his illness as terminal

I understand why you think moving would be better, but I think it would be difficult for your husband., also what you imagine it would be like and reality maybe very different. children these days don’t always want the obligation of seeing their parents regularly which is sad, so be cautious.

Move now - it will be easier to see your family and vice versa.
Your DH will need a lot from you and you will benefit from family close by.
I would move sooner rather than later- all the very best xxx

Do move!

It will give you support; it will give him more contact with DGCs. He may not be up to the journey later.

My parents did just that, and dad died just 2 years after moving, but in the meanwhile, re-organised the local bowls club, trained the alter-boys, and did voluntary book-keeping for a number of small groups! Mum was therefore supported by all of his friends when it happened.

It will give you time to settle in to the local social scene as a couple - easier than as a singleton. It will give you a new area to explore, and it is not too far for old friends to visit.

Men do like their settled comfort zone, and you have moved to accommodate him, so now it is his turn.

You can do it in stages:

* Moving is a great way to declutter, so something to take his mind off what is happening.
* Start house hunting on-line, so you can see what is there. (You can sign up for feeds from Rightmove)
*Get a map and tick off good and bad
* You could join the facebook groups local to where you are thinking - our U3A group often has questions from people asking about the area because they are thinking of moving here for example.

But please do your research, if you are thinking about a flat. Senior flats come with so many costs and issues for heirs, and even general flats have service charges. Here, there are a lot of small bungalows suitable for older folks who do not need guest accommodation.

Good luck

Ophelia, if your finances allow you to buy or rent a smaller cheaper place such as a flat closer to your family , would that not be the practical compromise?

After all, you don't want to move back to your old house after your husband dies. Why would you? Why not buy or rent the flat near your family, and get rid of the place you live in.

Your other main consideration is of course your husband's needs and wants. You should ask about the health care in your family's area. You should also ask your husband how much he is emotionally attached to where he lives at present.

If in fact your husband's prognosis is fairly good , all the more reason to have this talk with him.

I can see both sides of this discussion and empathise with the enormity of the situation. I agree that a preliminarily discussion should be had with adult family to consider whether they also would like to have you both closer, in order to all spend more precious time together. I would consider moving as your last big adventure together before the situation progresses. After all it’s not where you are or house you live in, but the people in your life and the memories you make. Furthermore it may give your husband reassurance that when the inevitable comes knocking at the door, that you are settled and have family close by to support. As a retired palliative care nurse in my experience, often the person with a terminal illness is more concerned about the person they are leaving behind. I do think with honest discussion, and expression of fears and feelings for the future will help you to be finally on the same page. Sending you both a hug x

If you are now aged under seventy, and have no health problems yourself nor any special needs such as dependent animals or your own employment you will be capable of the stress of moving house.

Ophelia so sorry about your husband but illness seems to come to families as older age arrives. It sounds like he has had a lot of hospital appointments but is still on the go. It must be difficult for you only are you sure that you really want to move right now? The grass is not always greener on the other side and if I could go back ten years in my life I would. My eldest daughter moved to London for work almost 20 years ago, I have one daughter living near me and she is okay and I have a son not far from me with a 3 year old son. The eldest daughter moved back to my area 5 years ago I get on with her but she is very opinionated and loves to speak her own mind. The eldest daughter has totally fallen out with the other daughter they had several big heated arguments and now they are finished. My son keeps out of things and I see my grandson about once a month i would like more but take what I can get. In all total honesty if I had the complete energy to clear my house and find something new I would but I have been somewhat unwell recently. I constantly dream about getting something near to the sea/coast not to be nearer my lot but to get away from them even though I am 69 years old.

I’m sorry for the situation you’re in, but personally I wouldn’t consider moving to be nearer my adult children. I’d definitely move but to where I want to be. It would be awful to move nearer and then find they up and off… they all have careers and are likely to move for advancement.