DH says I spend too much

I don’t want to appear judgemental, but you do sound very frivolous to me. Do we really need to know how much savings you have? 🤷🏻‍♀️

He sounds like my godmother's husband. A lovely man, but a typical Yorkshireman who spent as little as possible. No holidays or anything frivolous. She lived for over 20 years after he died, had holidays and eventually went into a very luxurious care home. I realised he must have saved a great deal, but was amazed when she was able to leave three of us £17,000 each. It's a shame that he didn't feel able to enjoy it himself. I don't think there's anything wrong with your spending. It's hardly caviar and designer handbags is it?

As you enjoy shopping how about each of you contributing to a household expenses account to cover all the bills, including some for long term maintenance and repairs and then each of you are free to spend or save your own money as you wish.

No cheating though. When you’ve spent yours you can’t dip into his savings. And when he spends his saved 25000 on a new car he’s always wanted no grumbles from you!

Maybe there’s something like that he really wants but can’t have because the money goes on handbags🤣

I think the constant appearance of Amazon parcels is part of the problem.

Could you put your kitchen/cleaning and household type shopping on one order for example? OR - as many of the things (bin bags, bleach, drain gel) are available with grocery shopping at similar prices, why not put them on that order? If you shop in a store, pick them up there?

I can't think of the last time I had to buy pans, ceramic dishes, baking trays etc... I still have pans from years ago and baking trays too.

Maybe you could put the "extra" things you are tempted by (and the bloomin' rabbits!!) in your online "basket" and really think about why you want them and in what way you think they are a good idea?

Leave everything in the online basket for (say) a week - and by then if they are still really important you could either chat to your husband about it or just give yourself the go-ahead.

I think you just like buying stuff and maybe it's getting a little bit out of hand.

Thinking of you.
💐

M0nica

Is the income you have yours, ie you earn it, or the pension is in your name? Well, in that case, its your money and providing you are paying you share of household expenses, then the money is yours and how you spend it is nobodies business but yours.

If your income comes from is work pension, tell him to decide how much you get and what you pay for and providing you do that, again it is none of his business.

However, the questions that must be asked, are; Has he always been like this, or has this sudden parsimony only come on since he retired or because he has got himself into a state about the effect of the budget and this government's incompetent economic management.

If he has always been like this, you should have dealt with it by now. If it is recent or since retirement, consider the possibility he is depressed, feeling insecure now he cannot get outnto work to deal with problems. Generally stick to your views. It is your money and how you spend it is your decision, but treat him kindly.

Thank you for your input M0nica. Our money mostly comes from his old age pension and his works pension. I only have a much smaller government pension and no other works pension.

He hasn't always been like this as we were too busy bringing up our daughters. It is since we both retired. We have a joint bank account.

There's a lot of back story to this. I grew up in relative poverty, I never got anything I wanted as a child, and now that we do have some money, I like spending it.

DH grew up in a more affluent family than mine.

I also spend as a kind of compensation for my poor health. I have several comorbidities, one of which is potentially life threatening.

DH, although he is several years older than I, is perfectly healthy.

In my opinion, I don't spend that much, but whatever I buy he resents it as a waste of money.

Patsy70

I don’t want to appear judgemental, but you do sound very frivolous to me. Do we really need to know how much savings you have? 🤷🏻‍♀️

The amount of savings we have is pertinent to my post. I mean, because we have a lot in savings, he shouldn't be bothered by my spending some of it.

NotSpaghetti

I think the constant appearance of Amazon parcels is part of the problem.

Could you put your kitchen/cleaning and household type shopping on one order for example? OR - as many of the things (bin bags, bleach, drain gel) are available with grocery shopping at similar prices, why not put them on that order? If you shop in a store, pick them up there?

I can't think of the last time I had to buy pans, ceramic dishes, baking trays etc... I still have pans from years ago and baking trays too.

Maybe you could put the "extra" things you are tempted by (and the bloomin' rabbits!!) in your online "basket" and really think about why you want them and in what way you think they are a good idea?

Leave everything in the online basket for (say) a week - and by then if they are still really important you could either chat to your husband about it or just give yourself the go-ahead.

I think you just like buying stuff and maybe it's getting a little bit out of hand.

Thinking of you.
💐

You are right in that he gets frustrated by the constant Amazon parcels. I do like buying things, you are right about that, and I have gone into the reasons why in a previous post.
(The 'bloomin' rabbit ' is sitting on the lounge floor making me feel guilty every time I look at it. But I know my granddaughter will love it.

fancyflowers

DH gets really upset when I spend money. Today I bought a jumper and trousers for Christmas Day, and when I got home I ordered two very realistic flop eared rabbits for each of our 3 grandchildren (,ages 12, 14 and 16). The cuddly toys are advertised as for all ages.
If we were short of money I would understand and curtail my spending, but we are not.
We are not super rich, but have just over £130,000 in savings.
He thinks I have a problem with my spending and I think he has the problem and he just needs to accept that I buy things.

Are the cuddly toys jellycats? ...if so I'm sure they will be a hit with the GC ....its the 'in' brand of soft toys at moment....I wouldn't risk any other brabd of cuddly toy with a teenager though

If a rainy day does come, you would change your spending habits, meanwhile I would carry on as you are. Don't think I would tell him everything you buy as he is just more careful with his cash than you are.

fancyflowers - you seem to be a very nice ‘open’ person. Stay as sweet as you are. Hope you have a nice, enjoyable Xmas, with the Gringe ( joke )

I’m afraid £130,000 in savings whilst it may sound a lot can soon get swallowed up in care home fees, so perhaps this is what dh is worried about. You could have asked him as well before spending money from your presumably joint account. I can spend what I like but I still confer with dh. How would you feel if dh went out and spent lots of money without referring to you?

All my Amazon deliveries come on one day a week you can choose that option at the check out.

crazyH

fancyflowers - you seem to be a very nice ‘open’ person. Stay as sweet as you are. Hope you have a nice, enjoyable Xmas, with the Gringe ( joke )

Thank you very much! That's a very kind comment which I probably don't deserve (but hey, I'll take it!)

Does he have any money that he can do with as he wants or, nice the bills are paid, are you spending the rest. Are you prepared to go halves on what’s left over and let him do as he wants with his half?

Maybe he feels things are a bit unfair.

Are the cuddly toys jellycats? ...if so I'm sure they will be a hit with the GC ....its the 'in' brand of soft toys at moment....I wouldn't risk any other brabd of cuddly toy with a teenager though

Not jellycats, here is the rabbit.

To be honest, there is something rather off kilter about the way you justify your spending.

"Very realistic rabbits"

My teen GC would not appreciate a soft toy however "realistic". Or matching presents; because now, naturally, they they all have different tastes .

"we have just over £130,000 in savings."

So what? Half of it is his, yes? That tells us nothing about your debts, outgoings.

What matters, is the balance between your personal income and your personal spending habit on multiples of the same thing (soft toys, shoes, bags). What your friends spend on shoes and bags is irrelevent.

It sounds as if DH is worried you are overspending either your own income, or his; or the shared savings or the shared domestic budget.

He is rather cute but just another import from China.

☹

butterandjam

To be honest, there is something rather off kilter about the way you justify your spending.

"Very realistic rabbits"

My teen GC would not appreciate a soft toy however "realistic". Or matching presents; because now, naturally, they they all have different tastes .

"we have just over £130,000 in savings."

So what? Half of it is his, yes? That tells us nothing about your debts, outgoings.

What matters, is the balance between your personal income and your personal spending habit on multiples of the same thing (soft toys, shoes, bags). What your friends spend on shoes and bags is irrelevent.

It sounds as if DH is worried you are overspending either your own income, or his; or the shared savings or the shared domestic budget.

I don't know what you mean by 'off kilter.'

The rabbits are just extra presents that I thought they would like. They are each getting individual presents that their mother has asked us to buy them.

We don't have any debts. We have no mortgage, and our outgoings are just the usual council tax, gas, electricity, laundry, window cleaning, etc.

I wouldn't say that half the money is his - we have a joint account, we don't divide the money up into his and mine.

I don't think I am overspending in any way.

The good thing about Amazon is that you can return stuff easily unless its directly from China, always order ones that arrive quickly, it means there is a UK distributer.

Lathyrus3

Does he have any money that he can do with as he wants or, nice the bills are paid, are you spending the rest. Are you prepared to go halves on what’s left over and let him do as he wants with his half?

Maybe he feels things are a bit unfair.

No he doesn't want to buy many things. He recently bought himself an upright carpet cleaner that he wanted, and far from me objecting, I was pleased that he had bought something for himself.

I suppose the next comment will be 'does he clean carpets himself?' and the answer is that we both do it.

Allira

He is rather cute but just another import from China.

☹

Whether from China or not (and isn't everything?) I still think he's really gorgeous!

My late DH seemed to have deliveries several times a week. What bothered me was not the cost, but the amount of ‘stuff’ being accumulated. Ok, most of it was DIY stuff, or parts for his hobbies, but when he died there was so much to get rid of.
The planet does not need all this stuff.

fancyflowers

Patsy70

I don’t want to appear judgemental, but you do sound very frivolous to me. Do we really need to know how much savings you have? 🤷🏻‍♀️

The amount of savings we have is pertinent to my post. I mean, because we have a lot in savings, he shouldn't be bothered by my spending some of it.

I thought stating your savings amount was an incredibly weird thing to do.

Why are you spending the savings account, instead of living within whatever your income is?

He recently bought himself an upright carpet cleaner that he wanted, and far from me objecting, I was pleased that he had bought something for himself.

I can't imagine my DH buying himself a carpet cleaner!
I might suggest one as his Christmas present. 😁

I also spend as a kind of compensation for my poor health. I have several comorbidities, one of which is potentially life threatening.

Then I imagine DH sees the savings as an essential financial back up, for if / when your health deteriorates. If you have to buy home care, residential respite, private treatment, adapt the house/ car etc.