DH says I spend too much

He jay not want to buy things but putting money away and seeing it grow may be the thing that gives him pleasure and make him feel comfortable and secure.

So I’m questioning your reluctance to allow him half of your joint “spare” money to do with as he wants. Is that because it would put a limit in your spending?

Why can he not have the same amount as you for his own use? Is spending more important than being fair?

Why are you spending the savings account, instead of living within whatever your income is

Why on earth is it 'weird' to state the amount of savings we have? Lots of people do it.
I'm not spending from the savings account, I spend from the joint current account.

Just caught this thread. Our teenagers (16 and 19) would love those rabbits. Just saying .

Lathyrus3

He jay not want to buy things but putting money away and seeing it grow may be the thing that gives him pleasure and make him feel comfortable and secure.

So I’m questioning your reluctance to allow him half of your joint “spare” money to do with as he wants. Is that because it would put a limit in your spending?

Why can he not have the same amount as you for his own use? Is spending more important than being fair?

You are right in that he sees our money as a comfort. But you are completely wrong when you say I am reluctant to have him spend money. I'm not at all reluctant. If he wants to buy something I'm pleased.

cornergran

Just caught this thread. Our teenagers (16 and 19) would love those rabbits. Just saying .

Great! Thank you!!

butterandjam

fancyflowers

Patsy70

I don’t want to appear judgemental, but you do sound very frivolous to me. Do we really need to know how much savings you have? 🤷🏻‍♀️

The amount of savings we have is pertinent to my post. I mean, because we have a lot in savings, he shouldn't be bothered by my spending some of it.

I thought stating your savings amount was an incredibly weird thing to do.

Why are you spending the savings account, instead of living within whatever your income is?

To me you are extremely rich with that amount of savings on top of what I guess are decent pensions.

In my last relationship it was the other way round- it really annoyed me the way my partner spent frivolously on his GCs who really didn't appreciate any of the stuff he bought.

I also grew up in poverty but have never had a desire to spend money in this way- I'm probably over careful but my savings are truly modest.

The disparity between your attitude and DH's hasn't come out of the blue. I suspect it's been there all along and he isn't going to change.

You have to carry on torment him with the cuddly toys or have a serious talk on how to manage your finances for the future.

How I would love those choices!

Op

Do you and your partner have a budget you agreed to follow?

Hithere

Op

Do you and your partner have a budget you agreed to follow?

No, we don't have a budget. Thank you for the suggestion though, I think it would be a good idea.

Not sure I’d buy so much from Amazon but each to their own. I can understand your spending money, if not now then when…but if your husband can’t explain why he hates you doing this ( other than it’s a waste of money ) I think I’d probably just ignore him. Unless you feel guilty that is.

Even though I have a good pension, I still watch what I spend. For example, where I live we have 2 farm shops. One sells a jar of 227 grams at £8 and the other for the same jar £13, both organic country honey from same area. That's a whole £5 more. I do shop with my feet.

Can you not have separate bank accounts for frivolous purposes along with a joint one for bills and household expenses.

That way what you do with your money is not his business 🤷‍♀️

GrannyGravy13

Can you not have separate bank accounts for frivolous purposes along with a joint one for bills and household expenses.

That way what you do with your money is not his business 🤷‍♀️

In a way, we do have separate accounts. I have a small pension of my own and it goes into a separate account. But even if I pay for things from that account, he still objects.
I'll have a chat with him today and see if we can come up with a workable solution.
Thank you all for your suggestions and comments.

I have seen a lot of bad press about " realistic rabbits " , be careful where you buy from.

It is usually those who have, in their past, have experienced real poverty who are the most careful about spending, even when they have some extra money. Not those who have never experienced that.

I can quite sympathise with your hubby objecting to what appears to be some sort of obsession with buying things, anything. It so often appears in people who are unhappy with their lives, and somehow always feel that the next things they purchase will make them happy.

If you so like the cuddly toys, then you should have bought one for yourself, very few teenagers will want these, and many parents of teens are desperately trying to get those teens to get rid of their accumulated cuddly toys from their early years, not get more.

As for the comment about how many bags, shoes friends have - reminded me of my children when they were teenagers who always told me that 'ALL their friends had/or did this or that, so it was if they were not allowed it. Surely not the comment I expect from an adult, unless they are deeply unhappy.

Uncontrolled need to spend, spend and spend, really does need curtailing and, perhaps, some therapy (CBT) to find out what is really is wrong.

fancyflowers

Lathyrus3

He jay not want to buy things but putting money away and seeing it grow may be the thing that gives him pleasure and make him feel comfortable and secure.

So I’m questioning your reluctance to allow him half of your joint “spare” money to do with as he wants. Is that because it would put a limit in your spending?

Why can he not have the same amount as you for his own use? Is spending more important than being fair?

You are right in that he sees our money as a comfort. But you are completely wrong when you say I am reluctant to have him spend money. I'm not at all reluctant. If he wants to buy something I'm pleased.

You’re not reluctant to have him spend money. Spending is what you like though.

You are reluctant to allow him to have a fair share of the money to do with as he pleases though. Because he likes to save it.

So maybe ask yourself why that gives you such a problem?

If that's his attitude, then don't buy him anything at all for his Christmas, not even a Poundland card, then when he moans bitterly about receiving absolutely nothing, and I've no doubt he will, tell him you didn't want to spend anything because you took his advice!

All this discussion about what other people spend and comparative wealth is utterly irrelevant.

At the core of this problem is that the OPs husband is constantly complaining about her expenditure. This is a very common complaint and exists at every level of income and savings. Disageements over money are one of the main causes of relationship breakdown.

The only way to deal with it is for the two people involved to sit down and dicuss the issue with both partners prepared to explain why they feel as they do and both prepared to give a bit and take a bit.

No Putin and Trump negotioations.

fancyflowers

GrannyGravy13

Can you not have separate bank accounts for frivolous purposes along with a joint one for bills and household expenses.

That way what you do with your money is not his business 🤷‍♀️

In a way, we do have separate accounts. I have a small pension of my own and it goes into a separate account. But even if I pay for things from that account, he still objects.
I'll have a chat with him today and see if we can come up with a workable solution.
Thank you all for your suggestions and comments.

Errrrm.....and that vacuum cleaner wasnt bought for "him", it was bought for the joint house - even though he was the one that physically bought it.

I know that the law splits things basically 50/50 if it comes to a divorce - so it could be said the money is joint. But I'd be very aware personally that most of it is actually his - as he's the one that earned it and would ask if I wanted to spend a noticeable amount of his money.

He might not be spending much of his money himself - but to some people having a certain amount of money stashed away is a "security thing" in their minds. The knowledge that if they want to - or have to - spend on something noticeable the money is there to do so. I've got a reasonable amount of savings - but I wouldnt "fritter" it...in case I need it for a necessity thing.

To that mindset - if there is a noticeable amount of money there = one makes out a list in order of priority of necessities and "strong wants" and gets them and then keeps the rest of those savings as mental security/the money is there in case something expensive is needed.

Maybe a replacement car will be needed? Maybe there'll be an expensive NHS bill to pay (I call healthcare bills "NHS bills" - as it's the NHS that should be paying for them - but given that they usually arent and expect one to wait/wait/wait or do without or have something secondclass in the way of treatment = you're the one that has to pay for them, in order to get that best possible treatment and promptly).

You don't know from one day to the next if your body is going to come up with some expensive to treat illness and he may be very conscious of that - and he is keeping what is basically his money (as he's the one that earned it) mentally to one side just-in-case. I would be very upset (british understatement) if I went to my savings to cover a large healthcare bill and the money wasnt there - MY money - because it had been frittered. For all you know - given you are the one with various illnesses - he might be mentally keeping his money to one side to subsidise your money (ie the pension you personally earned) if you need some expensive healthcare treatment and the NHS won't deal with it. He might be planning on treating you to some private healthcare from his money if you need it - and the NHS won't cooperate.

There is a happy medium and asking if one can spend someone else's money (even if you're married etc etc) and not just go and spend it without asking first.

Just wondering what happens to your gift purchases when you receive them...
Would it help if they were immediately put somewhere out of the way so that they aren't always reminding him of more and more purchases?

He obviously is happy for you to spend though - he just can't see why you are doing it so often as you have parcels arriving every day.

I do really enjoy choosing lovely things for people though... but unlike you I don't tend to make spur-of-the-moment purchases - hence the idea of leaving things in your trolley for a little while.

Would it help your husband if you chose (say) three rabbits and asked him which he preferred?
Would purchases be better chosen - seen as more thoughtful - if you could say "this one seems to be most lifelike but this one is really fluffy and this other has beautiful markings."
May be worth a go to try to "include" him in your choices?

We also have a joint account and I do love to treat people - but I think carefully if I am buying more clutter or things the recipient really wants. I consider all our money to belong to both of us for us to spend but anything more than a very small sum I will say "what do you think about getting our granddaughter a stuffed rabbit toy" - I might say, "I've been looking at them and they seem so cute, I think she'd love one."

I think conversation with him is key here... And honesty from you.

Is it possible that he's actually not bothered about the cost but is bothered about the amount of "stuff" that is accumulating in your home?
I was surprised that your purchases from Amazon included things like pots and pans and dishes. Most people of our age already have acquired plenty of those things during our life times.
Is it possible he fears you are becoming a hoarder?

Allira My OH has several.carpet cleaners all bought by himself.He has several vintage cars and apparently one cleaner doesn’t suit all interiors.He used to shampoo our carpets at home regularly at midnight if he couldn’t sleep now we don’t have carpets he needs to get his cleaning fix with something else.lol
People are ,thankfully,all different .He makes me laugh all the time so he an buy anything he wants

Some really good points made. DH and I ( eventually) had equal incomes and equal pensions. After covering household expenses between us, we each did whatever we liked with our own money. I saved, he spent. I have spent the last two years dispersing his collections etc. Some made money, others did not, but it was his choice with his money.
You seem to be spending some of ‘his’ money (correct me if I’m wrong) in that you only have a very small pension. I think it is a good idea to set limits on how much of your joint assets is available to spend.
Savings may help you to be more comfortable in older age. They will soon go if one of you needs care. You need to be mindful of this.
I have savings and still treat myself to short breaks and a few extras, but I live fairly frugally most of the time. I find it hard to spend on this and that.

He makes me laugh all the time so he an buy anything he wants
Paddyann

This is my husband too.
Totally blessed.

I have pots of money, well actually what I have is pots (accounts) for money. All expenditure throughout the year - trips , birthdays, Christmas, clothing, house decor etc you name it and I've potted it. Off to a Christmas fayre at a village this evening and will take ££s that I put by for this exact event!
Works very well as you don't have to jiggle money around and keeps everything on an even keel
This approach may well suit both of you Fancyflowers, something to think on perhaps.

I have pots of money
I do have a pot (well money box) full of pennies and two pence pieces. There must be at least £2 in there!