For not wanting to contact my brother

My brother estranged me over 10 years ago. I agonised for a long time and finally accepted he was dead to me. I ask myself what I would do if he tried to make contact albeit in a roundabout way. I would be very wary. Unless he wanted to apologise for his hurtful treatment I don’t think I’d want anything to do with him. I think I would let him have my email address and then see what he had to say but unless he did apologise that would be it. Hope that helps. Whatever you decide do not feel guilty. They do say, however, that sometimes forgiveness helps the person wronged. It doesn’t mean you need have anything to do with him.

Yep Netanyahu has two brothers - and same thing applies, ie we can't tell if they've broken contact with him or no.

Re blood ties - and that comment had me googling wondering if Hitler had any brothers or sisters. Apparently he did have a sister - though, of course, we have no idea whether she'd rejected him or accepted him. She might have been a normal person - and, if she was, then she would have surely rejected him.

Point being - even monsters have siblings sometimes.

Off to google Netanyahu to see if he did....

Ah, Smileless, people like him are not capable of thinking like that.

I've tortured myslef enough on this point re my Ex. He blames everyone but himself. Im not saying its the same, but its a possibility?

ie, anything that happened to your brother has never been HIS fault. He cant put himself in others' shoes. Oh, and, btw, the world owes him a living.....

I guess one never gives up puzzling it. Blood and love ties are so strong in us. We expect a modicum of decent consideration of others. One keeps trying, one keeps getting hurt.

I tortured myself after mum died, feeling guilty for not doing enough and even feeling guilty for contacting SS's Elless. What I really don't get is why anyone whose behaved as he has would think that the one they've hurt so badly, would want to resume contact .

So sad to hear this Smiles I lost touch with my brother when my Mum died, I don't even know if he is still alive. I wouldn't contact your brother, he will only make excuses, let him live with his guilt. I presume you are like me and torture yourself over thinking you should have done more but don't. Your Mum is at peace now and she knows your actions were through love 💐

An old saying ' if in doubt don't '

Aww difficult families!!! They have the power to unsettle us even though you have done nothing wrong and they are sometimes very difficult to deal with.
I have experienced this and feel for you. If you really feel you need to see him do as others suggest,meet for a coffee not near or in your home. Good luck.

you owe him nothing. he let your mum down once he had a foot in the door it gave him carte blanche to live job free and inflict his horrible way of living on your poor mother. Added to which he gave your mum the impression that you did not care and had not sent any cards to her on important occasions.
maybe he is now getting to an age where he thinks about how alone he is and what will happen to him if anything serious happens.
personally its too much too late if you ask me.

Another vote for "Have nothing to do with him".

You owe him nothing - but I'd be willing to bet he'd try and manufacture some excuse somehow to try and make out you did - even if it's only muttering about "blood ties".

I agree with those that think he's just a leech and on the take and he'll be after you for what he thinks he might get out of you. There's lots of us out there who realise that the mere fact that someone is a sibling means nothing - they'll use you as fast as they'd use anyone else (maybe even faster).

Estrangement from a sibling happens a lot and it's usually for a good reason (ie they're a leach is the usual one). The usual reason seems to be they want an unfair share of the will (and you don't say whether the house concerned was your mothers or rented). If it's her own - he probably does want your "share" as well as his own. If it's rented - he probably wants the tenancy to pass onto him (so maybe he's after getting free labour from you to help clean it up - so as to convince the landlord he's suitable to take it on). Either way = he's probably after money.

Some people just do do their best to live off other people - and relatives are usually first in line they try to tap up.

I would not outreach him directly. Protect your peace. I certainly would not potentially ruin my holiday season by diving back in right now.

I agree with all who have responded. I am in the same situation with my brother, so understand how you may feel. . It’s sad but if the sibling relationship is broken, it’s hard to trust again. Or to care.
However if you do agree to meet, do it on neutral ground, don’t go alone, take your dh or a good friend, with you.

Keep away from him, he will drain you, and using 'The time of year' to make contact is emotional blackmail hence him using the cousin as a go between too.
If you do feel guilty though you shouldn't, just tell the cousin to tell him you wish him a peaceful Christmas but that's as far as you want to go.

Its reassuring to see the responses here united in recognising there are some relatives it’s better to be estranged from, than repeatedly trying to make the impossible ok

Sorry, Smileless, your post overtook mine but it's good to see that the responses you received have helped you to make a decision!

Are you actually worried that you might feel guilty? Please don't think like that. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Your Brother's appalling behaviour and neglect of your late Mum, his refusal to allow you access to your Mum because of his treating her home like a doss house, his not working, his not earning, his causing her distress with his worrying lifestyle, then his anger because you did the right thing to try to make a safe place again for your Mother to live; his sneaking messages to those who might contact you - when he decided that he needed your financial help! The list is endless and although you really struggled to deal with what had happened to your Mother - he clearly never cared or showed any interest in your feelings or hers!

You dealt with it and fortunately you were able to see your Mum again looking like your Mum, which must have given you some solace at the end of her life. IMO you've already done more than enough and that you should now - having moved and moved on in your life (which has had other major sadness to cope with) - you should continue to ensure that he is involved in no part of it. Whatever for? Just because you're a good person and just because he's decided that "it's the time of year" so it might be worth trying to take advantage of your kindness?

Only my opinion, of course, but I wouldn't want my hard-won peace and calm threatened by just a trouble-maker, and someone who could never hold up his head and explain to you why he did all that he did.

Sometimes one can give too many chances and so end up being the one who suffers - again. Wishing you strength and resolve to deal with this and not open up old and distressing experiences which you certainly do not need.

A very Happy Christmas to you and yours, and your dear pooches, and some fun and good things to look forward to in the New Year. x

Thank you all for responding, I really appreciate it.

The last time I saw mum was the last time I was in the house Oreo. To begin with, SS's were keeping me informed but I think they stopped because of my brother.

They'd told me they were trying to see if mum had capacity to make her own decisions but it was difficult because he was either interrupting or refusing to leave the room.

They did tell me that they managed to get the heating and hot water sorted, but that was the last I heard from them.

Thank you imaround, it was the only thing I could think of doing and thank you too Fallingstar.

Once I'd got over the initial shock I felt as many of you have that he wants something and Mr. S. agrees. He was always hopeless with money and TBH I'm surprised he's managed this long.

He wont know we've moved to downsize from a large 4 bedroom house and maybe thinks if he's going to have to give up our mum's house which he was the sole beneficiary of, there'd be room for him to come to us but even if we were still there, that wouldn't be an option.

My initial gut reaction was 'no' and now I've had time to calm down that remains my decision.

We've tried helping him over the years with financial and emotional support but it never got us or him anywhere. We've had our own problems to contend with as we've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 13 years and TBH, it's taken every ounce of our strength to re build our lives so I just don't have it in me to reopen the wounds inflicted by my brother.

Writing the OP was cathartic and reading all your responses has enabled me to realise that I can make the decision not to have any contact, without feeling guilty.

If he does contact me directly which I don't think he will, at least I'll be prepared and able to tell him that I don't want to see him and want to be left alone.

Again, thank you.

Oh smileless what a heartbreaking tale. Personally I wouldn't have anything to do with him, I would have nothing but contempt and loathing. However that's me, and if like others have suggested it would stop you feeling guilty, just send him your email again. Then forget it. Sending hugs and warm wishes

I'm betting it;s financial. The leech wants money from his sister, because he's run out of Mother's.

He's beeing living on your Mother's state pension and now it's gone; if it's a rented house he's not been paying the rent and getting kicked out; or the council's chasing him for Ctax.

Iam64

User138562

In my opinion, the guilt pales in comparison to the peace that comes from keeping toxic people out of your life. I'm willing to bet he wants something.

You don't have to take responsibility for how HE feels about a decision you make to protect yourself. That's on him to manage.

I agree with User138562 on this Smilesless.
Look after yiurself

I agree too.

It's so awful for you, Smileless. Your own brother.

But he does have your email. You have not cut him off totally.

If he really has changed, then he can email you. Like others, I suspect he is unlikely to change, but it is in his hands, isnt it?

( I do have some relevant experience. My co-ercive ex husband has been estranged from his family by his brother, and my sadness was that the brother felt he has to also cut me out from my ex MiL and she died without me being able to say good bye or go to the funeral. It IS so awfully sad, but unless there is a real change)

you have to take care of yourself.

I wouldn't give him the time of day - you don't need someone in your life, who treated your Mum like that. Take care.

I think you are well advised to keep away from him.

No....stay away from him

User138562

In my opinion, the guilt pales in comparison to the peace that comes from keeping toxic people out of your life. I'm willing to bet he wants something.

You don't have to take responsibility for how HE feels about a decision you make to protect yourself. That's on him to manage.

I agree with User138562 on this Smilesless.
Look after yiurself

Neither has changed and nor has our email address or Mr. S.'s. mobile number

He sounds as if he has real problems.

Neither has changed and nor has our email address or Mr. S.'s. mobile number
Do not give him your new address. You could meet him somewhere neutral if you wished, but take Mr S with you.

I'm not being nosey, but who inherited the house? It could have been rented, of course. Alarm bills are ringing here. What does he want?