For not wanting to contact my brother

Sounds an awful experience and your poor Mum! Did you never manage to get into the house to see her?Did social services actually help her or not?
It’s your choice whether to see or never see your brother and only you can decide.Will he try and sponge off you?

After all you have said my first thought was what's he after ?
And are you prepared to take on his problems

I understand completely how you feel. I have my own problems with my sister after my previously estranged mother died. For me, it felt like another knife wound from my very toxic family. Not saying yours is toxic, of course, but mine definitely was.

You owe him nothing and you are right to keep your space in my opinion. This man caused your mother hardship, to say the least.

I am ambivalent about forgiveness right now because I am still processing the betrayal from the person who I thought would never hurt me, but I know someday I need to forgive all of them for my sake.

You know this already, but you need to do what is best for you. If that means keeping him cut off, so be it.

You did the right thing for your mom Smileless. I just wanted to say that.

My first thought was to accept contact with your brother and see what he has to say. This would remove any guilt you may have about not doing so.
But be prepared to end the conversation whenever you wish, without any feeelings of guilt. A short contact with him may well remind you why you do not want contact.

Whatever you choose to do it is bound to be stressful but a short contact may be sufficient for you to know that you gave him a chance and make your decision from that. He may be wanting something or he may just wish to say hello. As said by Shell951 he could be looking for you to solve his problems. Whatever you decide I hope you go forward with a clear conscience and no guilt.

I haven't put my thoughts very clearly and hope you get my drift.

You don’t owe your brother anything after the way he behaved towards your mother and you Smileless, and am so sorry this happened to you, but please don’t dwell on it, as you say your brother could have contacted you if he wanted to.
Also even if your cards were not passed on to your mum I believe she would know how much you loved her, mums do, and that would have been a comfort to her.
Xxx

I don’t think you need to feel guilty at all, but if it is going to make you feel bad and destroy your (hard won) peace, then my suggestion is that you simply send an email to the address you have been given restating your own email address.

No greeting or sign off, just the email address he already knows and then the ball is back in his court to contact you.

But if his reasons for getting in touch are anything other than genuine regret and wanting some forgiveness, I think you have good reason to leave him in the past and there is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty about that in any way.

💐

In my opinion, the guilt pales in comparison to the peace that comes from keeping toxic people out of your life. I'm willing to bet he wants something.

You don't have to take responsibility for how HE feels about a decision you make to protect yourself. That's on him to manage.

I am very low contact with my brother for a similar situation. He is, I think, mentally disturbed in some way and has always been difficult. My advice would be to think carefully about the possible ramifications of giving him your address or phone number and how you might deal with that. You owe him nothing, regardless of him wanting to get in touch.

My advice would be to not contact him - especially not at this time of year which is already very difficult for you and Mr S.
And you have nothing to feel guilty about especially as your poor Mum is no longer alive to be affected by your decision.
Don't allow this man to stir up so many distressing memories. Put him out of your mind.

Neither has changed and nor has our email address or Mr. S.'s. mobile number so if he'd wanted too, he could have made contact without going through my cousin. I believe he's done this to put the onus on me.

he might have done it that way to see how the land lies, so to speak.

Yes I would make contact.
Maybe meetsomewhere neutral. For a coffee?
And see how things go.

Neither has changed and nor has our email address or Mr. S.'s. mobile number

He sounds as if he has real problems.

Neither has changed and nor has our email address or Mr. S.'s. mobile number
Do not give him your new address. You could meet him somewhere neutral if you wished, but take Mr S with you.

I'm not being nosey, but who inherited the house? It could have been rented, of course. Alarm bills are ringing here. What does he want?

User138562

In my opinion, the guilt pales in comparison to the peace that comes from keeping toxic people out of your life. I'm willing to bet he wants something.

You don't have to take responsibility for how HE feels about a decision you make to protect yourself. That's on him to manage.

I agree with User138562 on this Smilesless.
Look after yiurself

No....stay away from him

I think you are well advised to keep away from him.

I wouldn't give him the time of day - you don't need someone in your life, who treated your Mum like that. Take care.

Iam64

User138562

In my opinion, the guilt pales in comparison to the peace that comes from keeping toxic people out of your life. I'm willing to bet he wants something.

You don't have to take responsibility for how HE feels about a decision you make to protect yourself. That's on him to manage.

I agree with User138562 on this Smilesless.
Look after yiurself

I agree too.

It's so awful for you, Smileless. Your own brother.

But he does have your email. You have not cut him off totally.

If he really has changed, then he can email you. Like others, I suspect he is unlikely to change, but it is in his hands, isnt it?

( I do have some relevant experience. My co-ercive ex husband has been estranged from his family by his brother, and my sadness was that the brother felt he has to also cut me out from my ex MiL and she died without me being able to say good bye or go to the funeral. It IS so awfully sad, but unless there is a real change)

you have to take care of yourself.

I'm betting it;s financial. The leech wants money from his sister, because he's run out of Mother's.

He's beeing living on your Mother's state pension and now it's gone; if it's a rented house he's not been paying the rent and getting kicked out; or the council's chasing him for Ctax.

Oh smileless what a heartbreaking tale. Personally I wouldn't have anything to do with him, I would have nothing but contempt and loathing. However that's me, and if like others have suggested it would stop you feeling guilty, just send him your email again. Then forget it. Sending hugs and warm wishes

Thank you all for responding, I really appreciate it.

The last time I saw mum was the last time I was in the house Oreo. To begin with, SS's were keeping me informed but I think they stopped because of my brother.

They'd told me they were trying to see if mum had capacity to make her own decisions but it was difficult because he was either interrupting or refusing to leave the room.

They did tell me that they managed to get the heating and hot water sorted, but that was the last I heard from them.

Thank you imaround, it was the only thing I could think of doing and thank you too Fallingstar.

Once I'd got over the initial shock I felt as many of you have that he wants something and Mr. S. agrees. He was always hopeless with money and TBH I'm surprised he's managed this long.

He wont know we've moved to downsize from a large 4 bedroom house and maybe thinks if he's going to have to give up our mum's house which he was the sole beneficiary of, there'd be room for him to come to us but even if we were still there, that wouldn't be an option.

My initial gut reaction was 'no' and now I've had time to calm down that remains my decision.

We've tried helping him over the years with financial and emotional support but it never got us or him anywhere. We've had our own problems to contend with as we've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 13 years and TBH, it's taken every ounce of our strength to re build our lives so I just don't have it in me to reopen the wounds inflicted by my brother.

Writing the OP was cathartic and reading all your responses has enabled me to realise that I can make the decision not to have any contact, without feeling guilty.

If he does contact me directly which I don't think he will, at least I'll be prepared and able to tell him that I don't want to see him and want to be left alone.

Again, thank you.

Are you actually worried that you might feel guilty? Please don't think like that. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Your Brother's appalling behaviour and neglect of your late Mum, his refusal to allow you access to your Mum because of his treating her home like a doss house, his not working, his not earning, his causing her distress with his worrying lifestyle, then his anger because you did the right thing to try to make a safe place again for your Mother to live; his sneaking messages to those who might contact you - when he decided that he needed your financial help! The list is endless and although you really struggled to deal with what had happened to your Mother - he clearly never cared or showed any interest in your feelings or hers!

You dealt with it and fortunately you were able to see your Mum again looking like your Mum, which must have given you some solace at the end of her life. IMO you've already done more than enough and that you should now - having moved and moved on in your life (which has had other major sadness to cope with) - you should continue to ensure that he is involved in no part of it. Whatever for? Just because you're a good person and just because he's decided that "it's the time of year" so it might be worth trying to take advantage of your kindness?

Only my opinion, of course, but I wouldn't want my hard-won peace and calm threatened by just a trouble-maker, and someone who could never hold up his head and explain to you why he did all that he did.

Sometimes one can give too many chances and so end up being the one who suffers - again. Wishing you strength and resolve to deal with this and not open up old and distressing experiences which you certainly do not need.

A very Happy Christmas to you and yours, and your dear pooches, and some fun and good things to look forward to in the New Year. x

Sorry, Smileless, your post overtook mine but it's good to see that the responses you received have helped you to make a decision!

Its reassuring to see the responses here united in recognising there are some relatives it’s better to be estranged from, than repeatedly trying to make the impossible ok

Keep away from him, he will drain you, and using 'The time of year' to make contact is emotional blackmail hence him using the cousin as a go between too.
If you do feel guilty though you shouldn't, just tell the cousin to tell him you wish him a peaceful Christmas but that's as far as you want to go.