Neither has changed and nor has our email address or Mr. S.'s. mobile number so if he'd wanted too, he could have made contact without going through my cousin. I believe he's done this to put the onus on me.
he might have done it that way to see how the land lies, so to speak.
Yes I would make contact.
Maybe meetsomewhere neutral. For a coffee?
And see how things go.
Gransnet forums
AIBU
For not wanting to contact my brother
(62 Posts)My advice would be to not contact him - especially not at this time of year which is already very difficult for you and Mr S.
And you have nothing to feel guilty about especially as your poor Mum is no longer alive to be affected by your decision.
Don't allow this man to stir up so many distressing memories. Put him out of your mind.
I am very low contact with my brother for a similar situation. He is, I think, mentally disturbed in some way and has always been difficult. My advice would be to think carefully about the possible ramifications of giving him your address or phone number and how you might deal with that. You owe him nothing, regardless of him wanting to get in touch.
In my opinion, the guilt pales in comparison to the peace that comes from keeping toxic people out of your life. I'm willing to bet he wants something.
You don't have to take responsibility for how HE feels about a decision you make to protect yourself. That's on him to manage.
I don’t think you need to feel guilty at all, but if it is going to make you feel bad and destroy your (hard won) peace, then my suggestion is that you simply send an email to the address you have been given restating your own email address.
No greeting or sign off, just the email address he already knows and then the ball is back in his court to contact you.
But if his reasons for getting in touch are anything other than genuine regret and wanting some forgiveness, I think you have good reason to leave him in the past and there is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty about that in any way.
💐
You don’t owe your brother anything after the way he behaved towards your mother and you Smileless, and am so sorry this happened to you, but please don’t dwell on it, as you say your brother could have contacted you if he wanted to.
Also even if your cards were not passed on to your mum I believe she would know how much you loved her, mums do, and that would have been a comfort to her.
Xxx
My first thought was to accept contact with your brother and see what he has to say. This would remove any guilt you may have about not doing so.
But be prepared to end the conversation whenever you wish, without any feeelings of guilt. A short contact with him may well remind you why you do not want contact.
Whatever you choose to do it is bound to be stressful but a short contact may be sufficient for you to know that you gave him a chance and make your decision from that. He may be wanting something or he may just wish to say hello. As said by Shell951 he could be looking for you to solve his problems. Whatever you decide I hope you go forward with a clear conscience and no guilt.
I haven't put my thoughts very clearly and hope you get my drift.
You did the right thing for your mom Smileless. I just wanted to say that.
I understand completely how you feel. I have my own problems with my sister after my previously estranged mother died. For me, it felt like another knife wound from my very toxic family. Not saying yours is toxic, of course, but mine definitely was.
You owe him nothing and you are right to keep your space in my opinion. This man caused your mother hardship, to say the least.
I am ambivalent about forgiveness right now because I am still processing the betrayal from the person who I thought would never hurt me, but I know someday I need to forgive all of them for my sake.
You know this already, but you need to do what is best for you. If that means keeping him cut off, so be it.
After all you have said my first thought was what's he after ?
And are you prepared to take on his problems
Sounds an awful experience and your poor Mum! Did you never manage to get into the house to see her?Did social services actually help her or not?
It’s your choice whether to see or never see your brother and only you can decide.Will he try and sponge off you?
This is going to be rather long but I would be so grateful if you could bare with me, and read it to the end.
About 7 years ago my brother estranged me after I contacted Adult Social Services because of the appalling conditions my mother was living in.
He'd moved in with her, despite my advising her against it because he's a hoarder and I knew as he was no longer working that he'd sponge off her financially.
We'd moved out of the village where mum was living but even before then, I hadn't seen her for sometime because the house was in such a state, he wouldn't let me in. Mum was agoraphobic and hadn't left the house for several years.
So about 7.5 years ago, one of mum's neighbours 'phoned me because mum had actually left the house and gone to her because she didn't know where my brother was. I went to see her and was horrified at the filthy and cluttered conditions she was living in.
My once beautiful mum was a shadow of her former self, almost unrecognisable TBH.
There was no heating and no running hot water. I can't go into the state of her or the house because it's still too upsetting for me to think about it.
I 'phoned him. He was out with friends and furious that I'd entered the house. I told him I was going to contact A.S.S. because I couldn't bare to think of mum living in such terrible conditions. I knew if I did so that would be the end of our relationship but it was a price I was prepared to pay to try and help my mum.
In 2020, my dear cousin 'phoned me to tell me he'd been in touch with her and wanted her to tell me that mum had died in hospital and there was no money to pay for a funeral so unless we were prepared to do so, he would have to go to social services.
A week later a friend of his 'phoned me and during the conversation told me that he'd told my brother that he should be passing on the birthday, mothers day and Christmas cards I was sending her.
I could only assume that he hadn't been doing so and mum must have thought that I'd forgotten about her and didn't care.
We of course arranged her funeral which was a very small affair due to Covid restrictions. The funeral director was lovely as I was almost apologising for how mum might look, baring in mind what a terrible state she was in the last time I saw her.
After they'd taken care of her, she 'phoned and asked if I wanted to see her because she looked lovely, and she thought it would be a better memory for me. I was really anxious but with Mr. S.'s support I went to see her and was so pleased I did because she did look lovely; she was my mum again.
Needless to say my brother didn't ask about the funeral and I didn't volunteer any information.
Today I've received a message from my dear cousin saying that he's been in touch with her and asked her to pass on his email address and telephone number, as it being 'the time of year' he would like to make contact.
Neither has changed and nor has our email address or Mr. S.'s. mobile number so if he'd wanted too, he could have made contact without going through my cousin. I believe he's done this to put the onus on me.
We moved again last year so doesn't know where we are living now and I'll be messaging my cousin to tell her not to tell him our address because TBH, the thought of having any contact with him makes me feel physically sick.
Feeling as I do right now, I could cope if I wasn't worried about feeling guilty if I don't contact him.
I'm a regular poster on the estrangement forum but thought if I posted this here, more GN's would see it,
Thank you for reading.
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »