For not wanting to contact my brother

CariadAgain

Re blood ties - and that comment had me googling wondering if Hitler had any brothers or sisters. Apparently he did have a sister - though, of course, we have no idea whether she'd rejected him or accepted him. She might have been a normal person - and, if she was, then she would have surely rejected him.

Point being - even monsters have siblings sometimes.

Off to google Netanyahu to see if he did....

I think, and I might not be remembering correctly, that he had a brother called Yoni (I think) he died rescuing hostages on a hijacked plane I Entebbe. He died a hero, I've often wondered if Netanyahu has some sort of issue that he will never live up to his heroic big brother.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

As Mary Angelou advised us “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

FGM, the Maya Angelou quote is important to me. I used it this week, with a lovely young woman, now 40, I’ve loved since meeting her aged 11. She’s struggling with relationship issues - which is the root of Smilessles OP.
We are a group of older women, we’ve been lucky to live long lives, let’s not waste our energy, our love on people who won’t appreciate and may exploit it

Lathyrus3

I don’t think you need to feel guilty at all, but if it is going to make you feel bad and destroy your (hard won) peace, then my suggestion is that you simply send an email to the address you have been given restating your own email address.

No greeting or sign off, just the email address he already knows and then the ball is back in his court to contact you.

But if his reasons for getting in touch are anything other than genuine regret and wanting some forgiveness, I think you have good reason to leave him in the past and there is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty about that in any way.

💐

I think this is is what I would do. I am not totally estranged from my brother I just have to walk a fine line between not feeling guilty to totally breaking with him. Not easy. I do so understand how you feel.

As Mary Angelou advised us “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

As we go through life we meet all sorts of people we do not get along with. Some that have hurt us and some that we just don't connect with.

I am a firm believer that with the one life we have we should limit our exposure to people or situations that make us unhappy. Family is in no way excluded by that, if anything less so given their closeness to you making exposure even more uncomfortable and damaging.

In short, you are not being unreasonable. It is never unreasonable to walk away from a relationship that doesn't make you happy and it is your brother's job to manage how he handles that emotionally and ensure he is not doing things that are technically manipulative or harassing like using third parties to contact you.

Wishing you a happy holiday free from guilt over this.

I agree too.

I only suggested the email because Smileless said she was worried about feeling guilty.

A sop to Cerebus……

Smileless, I'm with the other GNs here. I advise continuing to cut all contact with your brother, alongside "blocking" him from any phone/messaging services which you use. As 25Avalon says: "you have found your peace". Please look after yourself and keep it that way.

Yes Avalon that's we think too.

Smileless there is no point in sending an email if you don’t want contact. To do so would probably only encourage him. In contacting a third party he was testing the water. It doesn’t sound like he is contrite at all. You know what he is like.After this time you have found your peace so you are wise to keep it that way.

Thank you ViceVersa.

While it's a decision that ultimately only you can make, my feeling is that you owe him absolutely nothing and I'd be wondering what he's after. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by closing the door and putting your own wellbeing and needs first, although I know that's not an easy thing to do.
Also, I just want to say that you did the right thing for your mum too.

If there had been I would have used them. Despite knowing my concerns and seeing the conditions my mum was living in, even adult SS's couldn't help me see her.

Keep your distance.My young sister “ abdicated” from the family when my dad died over 30 years ago.
It meant that my mother’s care was left to my older sister and me,she worked full time,Iwas running two businesses ,had a 5 year old and a stroppy teen .
My mothers care was was hard work and for the 12 years she survived my dad we did our absolute best by her.She refused to eat food that wasn’t cooked by me so I supplied all her meals even when she spent 7 weeks in hospital 20 miles away .
Don’t get me wrong I have no regrets I did my best by her at all times but one extra pair of hands would have made the task much easier .
After my mum died I was to.d by a friend that my sister had “ no idea” why WE didn,t speak to her?
That .ll be because SHEdidn,t answer letters ,stoppedher children seeing their granny and refused to let us have her phone number …I guess she didn’t want the 3am call because mum needed changed or couldn,t sleep or any one of a dozen other calls
I don’t hold grudges …usually …but I don’t consider her my sister .12 years was a long time to go no contact ,She went to funeral,supported on either side by her in-laws in tears …..my mothers would have said crocodile tears.
Now she herself is ill and honestly I couldn’t care less

Are there no services that could allow you to access your mum for visits in all those years? I am so appalled that you could not see your own parent simply because your brother was at the same address. I would have absolutely lost it.

One keeps trying, one keeps getting hurt that's so true Wyllow so there comes a point when you have to protect yourself from being hurt anymore.

Yes Caleo that's right, it's my brother who neglected our mum whose told my cousin he wants to get in touch.

We've thought about what reconnecting would bring SueDonim and past experience shows us that it would bring misery and worry and attempts to make us feel guilty, although we have nothing to feel guilty for.

Yes, Mr.S. is relieved FGT and in situations like this it's important to recognise what affect resuming contact could have not just on yourself, but on those around you. I know he would be supportive, he always is and having his support with my decision is priceless.

I doubt it has anything to do with guilt Elless as I've never known him to take responsibility. It's always someone else's fault or circumstances beyond his control.

I've decided against sending a final message, and will only do so of he contacts me directly. Maybe it's silly, but I don't want him to see that there's an email from me and think it will be about us meeting up, when it will be me saying I don't want any contact.

I'm hoping that my silence will be the only 'message' I need to send.

Thank you all once again.

I think he can't handle his guilt and thinks by contacting you it will ease his suffering, either that or he wants to make you suffer. he is jealous of your life and probably wants to disrupt it. I know it's hard (and when you've other estrangements to cope with, you question yourself - 'Am I the problem because I'm the common denominator?) to put your mind at rest send one final message stating that you'd rather not be in contact and bring it all up again, look forward and enjoy your life with Mr S.

Keep on enjoying the peaceful life you and Mr S have created around each other, you dont need anymore drama.
As suggested, just block and keep moving forward, have a lovely christmas.x

Smileless, block him. He doesn't dare for anyone but himself, you have a good life now after a lot of heartache.

I don't want to see him and want to be left alone

A brave decision Smileless and I bet your husband is relieved too. Just wish him well through your intermediary and then quietly close that door. Firmly.

It's been my experience in life that the (count on one hand) number of times someone has said "I done wrong - and I need to put it right" and, in one of those cases, apologised to me = neither of them meant it. They soon enough returned to being, respectively: 1. A right wotname in their way of treating women 2. A thief.

Not saying that no-one ever has a permanent/genuine "Road to Damascus" moment but it is incredibly incredibly rare from what I can see - ie I've only ever seen that happen once in someone else's life (ie their husband meant it when he decided to be faithful to her and moderate his alcohol intake to virtually nothing). Once in 70 odd years of witnessing this shows just how rare it is....

So - yep....I'd not take the risk of putting myself in the position of being his "therapist". I still reckon he's after something material - like money one way or another.

Maremia is right.

You cant be his "therapist". It's a way of dragging you in.

I tried being that.

It just rebounded. (Gaslighting)

If he actually is contrite and offers to see a therapist with you then that is another matter but the contrition has to feel absolutely genuine and heartfelt, and you will instinctively know the difference.

You will already have made your own plans for Christmas, but this new contact has been upsetting.
You are not his 'therapy', and must do what's best for you and those close to you.
What ever you decide, I wish you well.

Such a sad situation, but not uncommon. We all know the saying about the difference between friends and relatives.

I think I’d look at it from the point of ‘What would renewed contact with my brother bring to my life?’ Would it bring joy, happiness, relief? Or misery, guilt, worry? If there are no positive aspects, then don’t do it, you can do without added stress in your life.

For Cariad, Hitler had a half niece, and it did not end well.

I am not quite sure what you mean, Smileless---was it your brother, the man who neglected your mother, who recently tried to contact you?

If so, I do understand that you feel "guilty". Your guilt is due to a misapprehension regarding duties of family members.

The fact is that you can't trust your brother after how he has behaved , not just occasionally , (we all slip up occasionally) but regularly . It is sad that your brother has the personality he has, however his personality is not your fault and you are powerless to change him.

Unfortunately for your brother and yourself there is nothing more you can do to set things right with your brother.