Should I be doing more for my daughter and grandchildren?

If your sister is so keen perhaps she could help out! I think you are doing your level best in a very tricky situation.

You do a lot to help your daughter with her children, as well as going to work. Where's the father(s) in all of it?

Goodness, izzibear, you are managing a very heavy load . Please do not add any more pressure to yourself.
Could there be respite offered to your daughter for your grandson? You do not have to do everything , and nor should anyone expect you to- your grandson will grow bigger and stronger, and you will grow older and less strong, so future planning should involve you less, rather than more.

Yes. Where are the father(s)?
Be careful what you offer because this situation is going to get more difficult as the children grow. It is nothing to do with your sister how much you help.
Investigate the possibility of extra support for your daughter. I assume the boy goes to a special school; is there transport available?

You are doing your level best. Your sister is retired and in a very different situation to you, so don’t feel guilty because of her attitude with regard to this.
You really should pull back a bit now if you are feeling the strain because you are getting older, have health issues, and your GS is getting bigger with ever more complex and physically demanding needs.
You are doing a fantastic job for your DD in the circumstances. Is there a dad able to help out or another set of grandparents??
Please don’t beat yourself up about this. 💐💐

I feel for you. My best friends grandson sounds exactly like yours and his parents find things difficult and she helps as much as she can but he also is very strong and determined with no sense of danger . She is not able physically to manage in some ways but does other tasks for them such as their ironing .

You need to look after yourself as well as help. The family Im talking about has respite help to take the child out for a few hours and he has transport provided to take him to his special needs school. Could your daughter enquire about some outside help? If you don’t ask you don’t get

I agree with your husband and with the above comments. I think you’re possibly already doing too much. You say she has an afternoon help. Could that person offer more help maybe on an “as required” basis? Your sister is retired for goodness sake and perhaps her grandchildren have fewer demands. Certainly don’t do any more and perhaps consider doing a little less. Your own health is important.

I think you’re doing your best, within your own means and capabilities and should ignore your dear sister.

Your husband is right, your daughter is probably very grateful and you’re going away with her to give her a chance to rest.

Your first 'job' is to look after yourself. If you can't afford to go part time then don't.
You will need to have enough pension points, for when you retire.
You are doing your best in a very difficult situation.

I also ask where is the father in all this? Where are the paternal grandparents?

You are doing enough ! I have nothing more to ' say ' other than look after yourself.

keepingquiet

I also ask where is the father in all this? Where are the paternal grandparents?

Yes I wonder too.

I think it's unfair of your sister to make you feel you should be doing more. It seems to me that you are doing a lot, given that you are working full time and have a health condition.

As someone else said, perhaps your sister could give a hand sometimes since she is no longer working. She is, after all, your daughters' aunt - and you are her sister and it wouldn't hurt her to step up occasionally.

I think if a father were in the picture the OP would have mentioned the fact.
‘Where’s the father?’ is not a helpful comment.

I'm sure you're only still working because of financial necessity, so it's very unkind of your sister to criticise you. She is lucky to have been able to retire. You don't have that luxury.

You are doing your best to help your daughter out, but there is a limit. Maybe your childless other daughter could lend a helping hand to her sister now and again. Looking after a disabled child must be exhausting, I'm sure the odd offer to babysit by your other daughter and your sister would be appreciated. Family support is what's needed here, it shouldn't all come down to you 💐.

You sound like a nd loving supportive Mum and Gran. Give yourself a pat on the back. On a practical level, is your daughter getting all the financial and practical support she is entitled to? Maybe you could do some research into what she is entitled to and what groups and charities there are locally that can help.

PS There are some on line courses that offer training in coping with Autism. Might help you and DH.

Pleasebenice

You sound like a nd loving supportive Mum and Gran. Give yourself a pat on the back. On a practical level, is your daughter getting all the financial and practical support she is entitled to? Maybe you could do some research into what she is entitled to and what groups and charities there are locally that can help.

You are doing enough, izzibear, both of you. Your sister has no right to suggest otherwise or being disapproving and is being very unkind, one cannot know why. Definitely stick with the boundaries of what you do already.

It's a good idea to look around to see what other help might be out there, and DD might benefit herself from a support group for parents of children with autism?

Bear this in mind, if Social Services or the local children's Mental Health care know that you are doing a lot, and will always "step in", you are less likely to get help, as limited provision means that inevitably, if willing family are on the scene and might do more, Dd is less likely to get help.

This is why it needs to be clear what you can and cannot do - even writing it down.

what I also think is....probably being there at the end of the phone for DD and her knowing that - is without price- giving love and understanding go a very long way.

keepingquiet

I also ask where is the father in all this? Where are the paternal grandparents?

Why isn't it helpful? Apart from OP's DH (putting his foot down, still working full-time, contributing to expensive holidays, DIY etc) it appears that there are a lot of women here trying to manage difficult circumstances with very little help.
Maybe Dad and wider family are out of the picture but OP doesn't mention this and I don't believe in making assumptions when there is info missing.

You're already doing plenty. Working full time with a heart condition is a lot to manage on its own, plus you're helping with school runs. It sounds like your sister is projecting her own choices onto you, but your health has to come first.

Got to prioritise yourself with health problems.
Sounds like you are doing a lot already .
Don’t risk impairing your health after working all your life and rearing your family . You and your husband deserve a rest after that life’s work.
Ignore your sister. She hasn’t had your health problems.

I think you're doing a huge amount to help your daughter. I don't see how much more you can do, especially as you and your husband both work. I wouldn't like to work late every day to help out in the mornings. I think it's amazing what you do and it's none of your sister's business. You're entitled to have some leisure time with your husband. I doubt you have much anyway, what with you both working. What about your daughter's partner's family? It shouldn't all be down to her family.

Life's always a balance for everyone. We all choose or not choose to have children. Bring a grandparent is lovely (most of the time), but when other people or other factors make us feel like we are not doing enough, just adds to our life stresses.
I think you do enough, we(similar age to me) are at an age now were we should be enjoying a less stressful time, even if still working. We've done all that juggling now it's time for us. I'm sure there are lots of grandparents that do above and beyond and they are happy with that but if you have to question your self then it's not for you.

I don't do as much for my son and DiL as I'd like as I live 200 miles away, though I have been to stay a couple of times to give childcare when circumstances required it. I hope to move nearer and will do more then, but I'm 71 and beginning to feel my age so I know I will have to limit my offers of help. My family don't have special needs to contend with but I don't have the energy to look after them alone for long. I'm aware of my limitations and looking after myself is a priority so as not to become a burden on them in future.
You need to prioritise your own health and make sure you work enough to secure your own financial future too. I couldn't retire until I was nearly 66 as I couldn't have managed without the state pension. I'm struggling as it is so moving nearer is also about downsizing and becoming motgage free!
Don't let your sister make you feel guilty! Her circumstances are different, and you are doing what you can. If you push yourself to do more, your own health could suffer and then you may not be able to help at all! We all need to be realistic as we get older and be honest about our limitations. Look after yourself!