My DD is only 25 but had first child (GS) at 17 and now also has a toddler. GS is level 3 autistic with very high support needs. He has many meltdowns which are very difficult to deal with and this has got much worse since his sister was born, as he reacts whenever she makes any kind of noise (which obviously happens a lot given her age).
My poor daughter has had significant mental health problems herself (including anorexia, panic disorder, acute anxiety) but is a truly excellent parent and very patient most of the time.
I'm nearly 60. I still work full time (financial commitments mean I need to do so for at least another 2-3 years) and I have heart failure which is well-managed but I have to take the time to look after my health, which means exercising within my limits and getting lots of rest. My DH works full time.
I feel as if I do what I can for my daughter - at the moment I've gone flexi-time to help her with the school run in the mornings so she doesn't have to manage both children on her own (I have to make up the work time later) and I often help her out with childcare as and when I can, usually for short periods but it feels like enough. My DH is for putting his foot down and saying we can't do any more. He does DIY for them and some babysitting etc as well. We're also taking them on holiday this year with the intention of doing lots of childcare so they can have some time to themselves.
It wouldn't be such a problem if it wasn't for the difficulty in dealing with our GS - he's non-verbal, still in nappies at 7, has little apparent understanding. He's a big strong boy and physically difficult to handle.
My sister thinks I should go part-time so I could spend more time helping DS. She was able to retire at 62 before they changed the state retirement age and spends a lot of her time helping her adult children and grandkids. She drops everything if one of them asks for help and off she goes.
She hasn't actually said so, but hints that I should be doing more. It's her view that it's every mother's lifelong duty to put her children first and sacrifice everything necessary for their benefit (she once cancelled holiday plans to give the money to her DD instead). I think I have as much entitlement to a decent life as they have (controversial opinion!) and I've worked very hard all my life, through two lots of cancer and all sorts of other problems, only to now be expected to keep on putting my own needs and desires second to those of my adult children.
My other DD, aged 28, asks for nothing (I do try to give her as much attention and time as I can which is easier because she's so undemanding!). She is married, has her own home, no kids yet, so it's a whole different ball game.
Am I being unreasonable not doing more for my DD and grandkids? On the one hand I feel entitled to say No sometimes when she asks for help (this post is prompted by a tearful phone call from her while I'm at work because her afternoon help has let her down), but on the other hand I feel terribly guilty for not being like my sister (and like our mother was) for not putting the children first all the time even though they're adults.
Sorry this has ended up being really long and rambling but I'd really appreciate some thoughts - I've lurked on this site long enough without posting before!
