Husband wants us to go to live in Portugal

Has your husband given any thought to buying a car in Portugal or driving your own car to Portugal.
Be aware that if you take your own car it has to be imported.
You will need to employ a customs agent to arrange this.
Once again, not cheap and you will probably prefer to stick pins in your eyes.
I know, I’ve done it.

It’s not going to work, is it? You would be resentful and bored and I suspect that your DH would soon become bored and possibly start to vegetate if he has no interests other than that one hobby that gets him out of the house for a day here - is it a hobby he could easily do in Portugal - would language be a possible barrier?

As OP’s say, and you realise yourself, there’s a lot more involved when moving to another country to live than to just visit for a holiday : will your combined pensions and the sale from your house be enough to satisfy the requirements of the country your DH wishes to go to, and will it be enough to live on and cover all the necessary costs of being a resident there (tax, insurance, health bills, food, rental accommodation, hobbies, etc).

You need to make a list of all the pros and all the cons, then sit down with your DH and explain your reservations and think carefully through all the practicalities

If neither of you are fluent in Portuguese, then dealing with all the legal necessities to move there permanently are going to be difficult. Yes, there are interpreters, but it will cost you.

Would he be happy living there on his own, because my feeling from your post is that you don’t want to go and so won’t go, especially as it would be down to you to deal with all the practicalities.

Stick to your guns and refuse to go.

You have no reason to move to Portugal. You are happy where you are and you have family around you - a lovely situation to be in with retirement coming up. Make this clear to him.

It sounds as though he would not get himself sufficiently motivated to do the proper research. Tell him you do not have any wish to do this then give him a very detailed list of what you would need to know and say you will discuss it with him when he has gleaned all that information in full detail: housing in Portugal to rent, house valuation in UK, tax situation, benefits situation, health insurance and entitlements, language classes, all forms that need to be filled in, pensions, local taxes, visas etc. etc.

My bet is he will fall at this first hurdle .... do NOT take pity on him and do any of it yourself or help with it in any way!! Just carry on with your normal life.

My late OH wanted to go and live in France at one time shortly before we retired and we did look into it in detail. We both loved the country and visited frequently. We both spoke French sufficiently (I did A level and his parents were translators so he grew up steeped in languages) and I am sure we would have picked it up quickly.

But in the end after a great deal of research I had to say to him that I did not wish to do this. There were many factors that swayed me, including the presence of children and GC and likely more to come; also I had lots of musical and photography contacts (slowly built up ever many years) that brought me in freelance work which I enjoyed; I had friends and singing contacts, running a choir, which I would miss etc. etc. But there was also something less tangible - I felt that I would always feel a foreigner and never fully fit in with the subtleties of the mores and humour of another culture - I like being English and part of this culture. I also knew that the first flush of excitement for the children and GC to come for holidays with us would wear off.

My OH was both furious and heartbroken, but I also think there was a tiny bit of him that was relieved too. I knew that some of his wish to move was about his depression and he would have taken this with him I knew, but he could not see this. It was a cross he had to bear that would not go away with a geographical move. He thought it would be a magic wand cure, but I knew it would not.

How glad I am that we did not move - just a very few years later his Parkinsons Disease (which I am sure his depression was a symptom of) was diagnosed and I would have been lost without the love and support of family and close friends during his slow decline and death.

And that is another thing you need to consider. Not wishing to sound like the voice of doom, but you are both getting to late middle age and some of the next phase of your life will be characterised by physical decline - you might want to negotiate that with those you love around you.

Stand your ground.

If he is not sufficiently motivated to make any arrangements regarding a move or to find out about any interesting groups he could join or hobbies he could take up here in the UK, that is not going to change if he moves to Portugal.

Does he speak Portuguese?

In your shoes I'd buy a single one-way ticket and send DH ahead, as an advance party, to research and report back on the cost of renting, health care, language lessons. public transport etc in Portugal.

"Take your time, dear....."

👏👏👏 Good ploy.

tell him no

Allira, we had friends like that. Moved to Spain ‘for good’ but after several years serious health problems brought them back to the U.K. Property prices in their former area, where their adult children were, had soared, and it took a couple of years for their Spanish to sell - for only about what they’d originally paid for it.
If not for the death of a parent, and inheriting her house, they’d have been in trouble - rents of anywhere passable also having shot up.

To anyone contemplating such a move, I’d say FGS keep a bolthole in the U.K. - just in case!

What ever you do.. Don't sell up..yet.
If you do go Rent for a while. It's not all milk and honey especially as you get older.
I have a few chums and a Cousin, who have homes in Belgium, France and Spain. Every one has an issue. The French chum, was sadly Widowed she struggling to sell her home to come back to the UK, she has right to remain in France but it's so expensive to stay on her own. Selling it is also costing eyewatering amounts due to death duties in France. She's already reduced the house by almost half, to try and shift it.
My other chum has a house in Belgium they have right to remain too, however they kept one in the UK. They are constantly going over but she would rather be here, so she let's her DH go over on his own then she turns up after he's been there a few weeks.
My Cousin, had a villa built in Spain they now only go over in the Summer. As they still run a business here so it's just for a max of 3 months per year.. She told me recently they are going to try and sell it, her Daughter are not interested, she's also not that well now with a Lung issue, as she's concerned about her health , she said it's not worth keeping it.
They are all in their early 70's, they have all had these properties for years and the novelty is wearing off.

butterandjam

In your shoes I'd buy a single one-way ticket and send DH ahead, as an advance party, to research and report back on the cost of renting, health care, language lessons. public transport etc in Portugal.

"Take your time, dear....."

brilliant - the vanguard - not subtle, still brilliant

My brother had a holiday home in Portugal. Unfortunately, my brother passed away . It was a nightmare for my s.I.l. - the red tape she had to deal with 😫

As a compromise, I would be happy go out there for four or five weeks at a time.

Nice compromise, for a few holidays.

Do either he or you have an Irish passport?
If so , great, you’re good to go . If you have a British one, you’re subject to the 90 days rule . Unless you get residency which is expensive.
Ideally you need to spend some time over there exploring the areas you want to move to. And when you find somewhere, rent first before buying .
Never plow all your money into a property overseas . Buy a smaller property in the uk or wherever you live . I know a number of retirees who’ve wanted to move back if one of them is seriously ill or has died .
OP you obviously don’t want to move , but could you rent for 3-4 months . Your AC could come out to visit , also friends.
A friend of mine has spent 3 months in Spain during the winter, to get a feel for the area she likes . This is with a view to moving there.

When I met my husband he told me that when he retired he wanted to live in Spain,I told him then that I wasn't the woman for him,I had children and grandchildren and I suffer from prickly heat so no way was I going to live permanently covered in calamine lotion ! We're still together having moved to the east coast, family visit regularly and would you believe it my prickly heat isn't that bad when the sun shines 😉 On the serious side you have to make your feelings known and as others have said he'll still be him

Please don't sell up. You still have a job. Stay here and if he wants to go, living on next to nothing, good luck to him. As others have said, allow him to do the paperwork (or not).

M0nica

If he leaves all the administration to you, just do not bother to do it.

Insist of keeping a property in the UK in case anything drastic happens when in Portugal and you have to return to the UK. sell your house here and you will only be able to afford to rent if you return.

You need to learn the language. Would your DH do that?

I would just sit stumm, say nothing committing, do not begin to take any action that might facilitate a move. If he can be lazy and dilatory, so can you.

I agree 100% with Monica.

He keeps going on and on about it but I know that all of the organising, finance and admin will fall to me as usual. I just don't really take him on when he starts going on about it.

There is no way he would earn the language. He is dyslexic

Flippin2

When I met my husband he told me that when he retired he wanted to live in Spain,I told him then that I wasn't the woman for him,I had children and grandchildren and I suffer from prickly heat so no way was I going to live permanently covered in calamine lotion ! We're still together having moved to the east coast, family visit regularly and would you believe it my prickly heat isn't that bad when the sun shines 😉 On the serious side you have to make your feelings known and as others have said he'll still be him

We actually live in a holiday destination. It is lovely. We have been here for 20 years now.

He needs to appreciate what is on his own doorstep.

I think he is just bored since he retired. He is also envious of his friend (who is on benefits) who goes to Portugal for six weeks twice a year. This friend is single and has no ties.

We used to go out at the weekend but since his hobby takes up one of those days we don't go out much anymore. I work full time so spend most of my weekend washing, cleaning, shopping etc. We have a lovely garden to sit in, weather permitting

He did suggest using our National Trust membership more. We have had it for almost 20 years and don't use it much anymore as we feel we have been to most of the ones within striking distance of where we live. I did suggest going further afield to visit other NT properties and staying overnight somewhere.

It doesn’t really matter how easy it is or isn’t, you don’t want to go.

In order to move anywhere, whether here or abroad, you both have to be in the same page, or it’s a non starter.

Just tell him very clearly that you are not considering it.

Do go out there for the 5-6 weeks, that might seal it for him.

Good luck

Selling your house would be burning a potentially useful bridge, PinkCosmos.
Would it be feasible to rent somewhere for a while to have an " adventure" together? You can then decide whether the complications of learning a language, dealing with the legalization, and missing the family are what you both want .
If you decide yes, you have done the initial reconnaissance, if no, you can return back to your home.

He seems very unsettled since he retired. His days seem without purpose. He says he hates gardening and doesn't really do DIY. He is not a reader and has one hobby which takes him out for the day.

In a nutshell, he’s bored and needs more to occupy him. There’s more to life than gardening and DIY. And while moving anywhere can be a new lease of life, he’s underestimating the challenge of moving to a new country where English is not the first language. It’s one thing being able to order a couple of beers on holiday. It's quite another trying to speak to a plumber about unblocking a drain or getting someone out to fix the roof. If he doesn’t do DIY, that will be the reality.

You don’t say what his one hobby is but is it one where he enjoys talking to other enthusiasts? In that case, language could present a barrier and reduce his enjoyment of the one the thing he does like to go out to do.

It’s a very common problem for men to feel lost when they retire from paid work. I doubt he will feel any less lost if you move abroad, in fact, he could feel a lot worse and you will have given up so much for his silly pipe dream.

I remember staying in a friend’s apartment in Mijas (southern Spain) many years ago. It was a lovely complex overlooking a golf course but seemed very sparsely populated in summer, like a ghost town. It was so quiet, we drove into Fuengirola most days just to see some life or explored further along the coast. The woman next door was a widow from north west England. She explained she and her husband had sold up to move there and been happy. Then he died suddenly leaving her alone and short of money. She said she couldn’t afford to move back to England. She could neither speak Spanish nor drive which left her dependent on taxis which she could only afford to use sparingly. She talked and talked and talked as if she hadn’t spoken to anyone in months. I felt very sorry for her. Don’t let yourself be talked into a situation where you could end up in the same boat.

Thank you Lucky Girl for your detailed response.

He would fall at the first hurdle if it was up to him to organise any of this. As you say, you can't escape from yourself.

I think it is boredom or slight depression that is causing him to feel this way. He has given up one of his hobbies supposedly because of his bad back. He always used to criticise me for having no hobbies i.e. hobbies based around sport. My hobbies are more home based e.g. reading, craft, gardening etc.

He doesn't look for things do do around the home as a project but he has always been like this.

I am a bit of a loner and don't have loads of friends. When I ever retire, I would join groups and volunteer. I doubt my DH would do this even though he is a more sociable than me.

DH has always been a glass half full kind of person so this low mood is unusual for him. I have suggested he get a part time job but he says he has worked for long enough. He also seems to be less confident. His hearing isn't great so I have to say everything three times, which is very frustrating. His eyes aren't great so he is squinting at everything. He has hearing aids that he won't wear. He also has reading glasses which he always forgets to have with him. I think he is frightened of being old and feels like time is running out

If he doesn’t want paid work, how about volunteering for maybe one day a week? Our local charity shops are always asking for volunteers.

I work full time so spend most of my weekend washing, cleaning, shopping etc

Why?
If your husband has retired why does he not take on some of these tasks? He might then be less bored and it would free up your time at the weekends so you could go out together, explore the lovely area where you live, join the National Trust etc.

I think he's suffering from inertia and needs a force to change his velocity!

Witzend

*Allira*, we had friends like that. Moved to Spain ‘for good’ but after several years serious health problems brought them back to the U.K. Property prices in their former area, where their adult children were, had soared, and it took a couple of years for their Spanish to sell - for only about what they’d originally paid for it.
If not for the death of a parent, and inheriting her house, they’d have been in trouble - rents of anywhere passable also having shot up.

To anyone contemplating such a move, I’d say FGS keep a bolthole in the U.K. - just in case!

I know a few people who have done the same. A friend's mother bought an apartment in Spain. Used it a few times but never moved there permanently. It took, literally, years to sell it and at a huge discount.

A couple my parents knew sold up moved to Spain to retire. They had been there on holiday several times. They lasted six months and then came home. They said it was 'too foreign'. They ended up living in a Park Home - which is basically a posh caravan. Nothing wrong with that but I don't think it was the outcome they expected

Tell him to go to Portugal ànd you stay put. We only have one life!