Cut out of their lives

Hi everyone.

I am going through a bad time at the moment, as i am no longer seeing 2 of my grandchildren, Did not think it would be this hard. I still have 1 grandson in my life,and 3 stepgrand children, but oh dear, i really miss my 2 girls.

Oh Purdy and Nanban - your messages, so touching and so close together, brought me to tears. I really feel for you as I can't imagine how hard that situation must be. I promise I'll start to remind myself not to take for granted the fact that I can see my GC's when I want to. Are there practical reasons- like distance? Or is it a difficult emotional situation? There are always ways round the practical problems but I can't help feeling that there's a lot more to this. Hoping you can find a way through. Meantime - there are lots of sympathetic 'listeners' here.

How sad I was to read your posts,please please try and keep positive about
things I have been through this with my DSs partner when she withdrew visits
from our DGD when she was 3yrs,things have now healed and she is 13 now
and comes to visit on her own when she wants,I used to think she would forget us completly but she hadn't at all,so please try and keep the doors open and get
your families to communicate with each other,are there any relatives who can
put your feeling to your DCs and make them see that everyone is missing out on the relationship lost.Love & Hugs

Hi Purdy and nam bam -- I know exactly what you are suffering at the moment . When my son's marriage broke down , my ex DIL decided that neither he or we could see our grandsons again . 1 aged 13 yrs and the other 8 yrs , this was after being treated like another daughter for 15 + years . During that time she would have nothing to do with her own parents it was when they came back on the scene that she dropped all of us . A few months later I wrote to her asking if we could meet up with her and the boys and perhaps take them bowling , this she agreed to . We then drove for 2 1/4 hours to meet them only to be told that they no longer want anything to do with us !! We were truly devastated especially as we had never in all the time we knew her had a cross word . When the eldest boy was 16 yrs he left home to live in a hostel , living among addicts and drunks ( thankfully he never tried either ) We discovered this after a few months and offered him a home with us , which he refused as he was in college working towards his A levels , so all we could do was try and help him financially . His Father was as supportive to him as well . To cut a very long story short he did well in his A's and will be starting work in this area soon , so we shall see a lot of him His brother ? Well there is always hope, so keep your fingers crossed for us . Be patient these things take time to resolve They wont forget you and one day they will be curious and want to see you . Sorry that this has been such a long story -- I think it has been very good for me to get it off my chestafter all these years !! Good Luck to you both ..

Put these sad stories on Mumsnet. Tell the women bringing up their sons and daughters now the grief that could be ahead for them – and what you have had to say is heartbreaking – if their children become adults who believe that they can control their children's and other family members' lives. Neither my son-in-law nor daughter would put barriers in the way of their relationship or their children's relationship with my ex-husband, my present husband or me – unless we did something so damaging and unthinkable that it defies imagination. This is how she is raising her children who already have a deep-rooted sense of how important all the different family members – blood relatives, in-laws and steps – are.

Meanwhile, I hope you can find strength Nanban and Purdy to wait with patience and seize the chance of reuniting when it comes with joy and without bitterness and recrimination.

That is such a touching story riclorian

These stories are just so sad and I feel for you all. Although I am miles from my grandchildren, we do see them as often as possible and I can't imagine not doing so. All I can say is keep the faith and persevere and hopefully soon you will see your lovely grandchildren

Nanban and Purdy, my heart goes out to you. Everything you've written was how I felt for 7 years when my daughter estranged herself from me. I tried everything to get her back into my life. I dwelt on how much she'd loved me in the past, and how we were always so very close. I dreamt about the reconciliations we would have (literally dreamt). When it was my granddaughter's 18th birthday party, (my granddaughters always visited me regularly), I 'devoured' her with my eyes. That sounds dramatic, but I loved her so very, very much. Eventually, as the years wore on, and my great-grandson was born (her own grandson), it was possible to visit her home as that was where my granddaughter lived her new baby. Gradually the atmosphere lifted. It took so long. I would have done ANYTHING to get her back. We've never discussed the issue since. I always tell her I love her when I leave her after a visit, and she tells me that she loves me. I really hope that this misery ends soon for you. No-one can understand the rawness unless it's happened to them. Thinking about you.

So sad to read the posts from Nanban and purdy and riclorian - stopped me in my tracks. The breakdown of any relationship is desperately sad and affects so many people and, indeed, is happening to so many of our families. We are lucky that, despite the breakdown of both of our children's' marriages - we are still in contact with both of our gc. Is there anyone else who could act as a mediating influence and somehow bring about an acceptable solution? I just hope that this situation can be resolved for everyone - especially the children who really have no voice in all of this.
Good advice from everyone, as usual, patience, faith and strength. Positive vibes coming your way, xxxxx

We have tried absolutely everything but this DIL has decided that I am her enemy and a simple 'Hello, how are you' would result in aggression and 'What's it to you how I am, how dare you ask me questions' - our lovely son hasn't spoken to his younger brother now for 3 years and we have no idea now where they are. We are not alone - since this has happened we hear of so many other parents of sons - why is that - in the same situation.

I think that the heartwrenching messages from Nanban and purdy would have enormous impact if posted on Mumsnet. How can people be so cruel?

Nanban - in my case it was my daughter who cut herself off, but what disappointed me too, was the fact that her siblings (my other daughter and my son), wouldn't speak to her about how I was feeling. I felt that if they could have spoken to her about my despair, then she may have softened a little. They were in constant contact with her, but somehow couldn't bring themselves to discuss the issue. She's a very strong natured person. Perhaps this may be the case with your DIL? Could it be difficult for your son to over-ride his wife's choices? I agree with what supernana and absentgrana suggest, re mumsnet. The absolute despair that we feel at times of estrangement aren't always completely understood, I don't think.

After much trying, we finally sent a letter to her father asking him to intercede, use his influence or at the least let us know they are well and okay. Nothing - he simply forwarded the letter to them. But of course good and nice people come from good and nice families; and good and nice families get destroyed.

Sadly our son has cut everyone connected to us even in the smallest way - including our family dentist who has seen him grow up! He dare not soften and I choose to think it's because he knows how much pain he is causing but must keep the relationship going for his baby boy.

Have you tried to write to your son, nanban?

On one occasion, my son's ex-girlfriend, the mother of senior DGD, rang me to say she didn't want me to see my GD and her half brother any more. I was distraught and got in touch immediately with other DS and his partner who immediately got hold of her and interceded. It worked, but it took its toll. She never explained this incident, but, knowing her, I had a feeling that she was under the influence of something not entirely legal. I had never been anything but kind and tolerant with her, for the sake of the children if for no other reason. I was lucky, but I feel for those grans who are separated from the children they so dearly love. I really don't think the mums' generation realise how precious the GCs are to us. GD is 19 now and a great support and comfort to me. I endorse the idea of sending these posts to mumsnet.

Just read your story - after a serious head injury, we had the offer to go take our dearly missed grandson to the zoo. We dropped everything, booked a hotel and took his uncle and girlfriend along too - son had cut him off when the baby was 6 weeks old. We thought for a reconciliation in a public place. DiL and son ranted and we had to send them home on the bus. Met DiL, son and baby at the zoo gates where they said they didn't after all want to go to the zoo with us - more tickets to throw away - and I asked, quietly and reasonably 'why didn't you let your brother come' at which point DiL launched herself at me, prodding, spitting, shouting. The world stood still and husband and I took hands and walked away, pursued along the street by DiL. We sat and cried in the car before setting off on our 200 mile journey home.

The absolute worst thing about what is happening to us, is that one and all must believe that we have done bad things obviously. But absolutely, one hundred percent, no.

Oh nanban, I do understand, I really do. That's how I felt as well, when it was happening to me. I questioned so much about the parenting that my daughter had received, knowing that she had exactly the same as my other two, and they were just fine. When it comes down to it, though, it really doesn't matter what anyone else is thinking about the whole thing. You and your family are the ones that matter.

nanaban, your DiL is clearly unbalanced if not a psychiatric case. No rational woman would behave that way in a public place or in private, for that matter. Is there no way you can manage to contact your son without her being there or knowing about it? Is he afraid of her? It sounds like it.

Nanban, Annobel is right. DiL needs serious help. I could weep for you and your husband. It is the stuff of nightmares. For the sake of your sanity, I believe that you should "retire" from this awful situation. In due course, either your son will see the light and make a stand on your behalf, or your grandchildren will, when older, make their own way back into your lives. I would go potty if this were happening to me. Don't let DiL's unhinged personality do any further damage to you and your husband. You do not deserve to suffer.

Tried to write to our son - oh yes, loving, let's look for the joy in life and each other's good rather than look for spite and nastiness. Nothing back. He has not written. He responds now to nothing. I had a major accident [head injury] and when his brother texted him [the only way he would accept communication] his response - stop playing emotional games. But he has been the most wonderful son and person, but with the birth of his son, I fear that he lives in a great dark place from which he can see no way forward. And when your children are hurt or in trouble your heart breaks. He won't accept emails, text messages, telephone calls and they have moved to we know not where. People say we have a lovely life and should enjoy what we have. Finding you people shows a true understanding of how impossible that is.

To Supernana and Anobel - exactly what everyone says but our lives are destroyed by her nonetheless - his brother, our youngest, deserves to have his brother who he loves in his life. We all cannot bear to see grandparents/sons out with their babies. There is no let-up. Such a pointless waste.

Nanban my heart truly goes out to you and you have been very brave sharing this difficult story. I can offer nothing useful to say other than I truly hope things will sort themselves out for you very soon.

I just want to say thank you one and all for being so supportive and nice. A friend found this website and wanted me to tell our story and just to have an outlet has been lovely/sad/relief. The 'poem' I started my story with I actually sent to our son too ages ago. I just wish someone would tell him to have a look at this site too. Thank you my dears.