moving on after bereavement

I don't think men cope very well at all in general, and that's why so many of them find someone else so quickly.
Which is hurtful to other family members, and causes a lot of discord.

it does cross my mind about how on earth to Grandads cope ! we as gransnetters band together, but I wonder how the men cope when they have lost their love of their life, I know we have the odd few grandads on here, and it seems men don't share things the same as women do..but at the same time they must be devastated.

Oh we would like to hug you, and while virtual hugs may help, not like the real kind are they.
I can't help thinking that the way we live now makes it more difficult. Much more difficult. Because the "nuclear family" becomes, with the way we do things, a couple and then a single person without a family group around them. For millions of years we evolved to live in extended multi-generation families and tribes. This experiment in doing things differently is not really working is it, in so many ways.

I was out last night, and have just logged on. Like kittylester, I cannot read the thread without crying. I just cannot begin to imagine....and although it cannot be one iota of comfort to anyone suffering such raw grief, my heart goes out to you all. xx

My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a beloved husband. It will be 6 years in January, yet still I wake up in the middle of the night, hearing a bump or creak, and call "Is that you love?" Still I come in from shopping sometimes and shout "I'm home!" I think the worst of all is when something happens, a family event, maybe, and I want to tell him first. But I can't.

I can't read this thread without crying. I feel so sad for all of you who have been bereaved but, selfishly, I also feel sad for me. We have lost a few friends lately and have found that very difficult but I have no idea how I would cope with DH dying. I can't even think about rehearsing!!

You have given me an insight into how I might help my bereaved friends but I know it will never be enough.

And I totally second that as well learner and gally hope your day is a better one...learning to tread round the huge hole left by your loved one,means sometimes you fall into it and have to pull your self out again...biker is so right about the sisterhood and friendship and support ,and if like me a slip of the finger when looking at mumsnet showed there was a place for me...love you allxxxxxxxx

baubles

Biker I echo your post wholeheartedly. Gransnet members demonstrate the true meaning of friendship and sisterhood. I hope today brings some peace to everyone of you suffering in one way or another {{{hugs}}}

I know we have all said it before time and time again..but! what if! we had never logged onto "Gransnet" what if! "Granset had never been developed"!
where on earth would we have posted our troubles our thoughts..! we may have kept them stored away inside us..... bottled up and not to be shared, and who would have thought that we would or could share our most private thoughts with complete strangers! (I use the term "strangers! loosely now as I never ever consider anyone as a stranger on "gransnet" anymore, I know I could private msg anyone of you in confidence and that you would all respond in a kind and caring way, even if we don't feel like posting, as sometimes you can't always find the words but we can still pop in and have a litte look around, peep our heads over the garden wall and say " hello"
Some of us may not have as many friends as others for one reason or another, we don't always have a "best friend" but here we can write down our thoughts
and hopefully comfort others at the same time.. lets see what today has to offer...take care all

learnergran and gally - Such moving posts. I wish you both well today.

learnergran .

To anyone suffering such grief, I hope today is a better day for you than yesterday.

I dont have words for you all, but one day if I am left I too will be where you are and I dont want to be there {{{hugs}}}

Gally and Learner

Learnergran

I've tried posting one or two comments on other posts in the last few days but have not until now been able to come back to this one. Partly tiredness - I haven't slept more than an hour or two at a time since DH died and since the funeral have been exhausted - but the postings of my fellow bereaved were more than I could bear to read and think about.
It is so hard to take in that this is real. And permanent. I feel like saying OK, you can come out now. But he doesn't.
Gally, you express so well what is in my head and my heart. Thank you for mentioning the anger. I was and am angry that this has happened and I too feel cheated. We went through nearly 30 years, getting on with day to day life, expecting to start this new phase of our lives, looking forward to it, and now I have to face it alone. I'm left with a big empty house to finish and move into without him, and cannot imagine what it was all for.
There can be no preparation for this. I think the best anyone can do is to realise that it doesn't just happen to someone else. One of a couple will go first. If you are lucky it will be you. If not, it may help if you have made the most of the time you were given. All the old wisdoms - don't let the sun go down on your anger; live each day as if it is your last, there are so many, all true as all cliches are true.

What humbling, moving, inspiring words from such brave ladies. I've lost my two brothers in the last two years, my mother as well but I utterly dread the loss of my partner as I can't imagine that pain. to you all

jeni and for all the rest of you (I, too, 'rehearse' in my head as DH is not at all well...)

Don't apologise Jeni xx

I know I did, as I discovered about 10 years into my marriage he had progressive kidney disease. I dreaded the annual checkups and when he went into end stage renal failure! Well
He was then put onto dialysis and still continued to sail and work. After about 8months he was given a transplant. This transformed our lives.
Can I please beg you all to carry doner cards!
We then had several good years until he was diagnosed with Ca colon.
The next two years were horrendous and I kept as you say trying to ' rehearse '
It does not help!
It's a long time ago now.
I appologise for this rant. Just needed to 'get it off my (size 42 ) chest!

Gally biker.Lost for words,can only send a big (( hug))

going back to the " trying to rehearse" for that terrible time! silly as it sounds I myself have imagined rehersing as well, as DH seems to have been ill for so long..and sometimes when he has gone to bed early and I have the tv off and the house is quiet, I try to imagine what it's like to sort of prepare myself(which I know is daft as it's near impossible) when I go out shopping etc as I am walking back up the path and putting the key in the door I sort of "prepare" myself, (especialy if DH was in bed when I went out) when I open the front door and the post is still in the letter box and his stairlift still at the top of the stairs, I just put my bags on the floor and go straight upstairs (and usualy find him sat there resting ) This morning I nipped for a bit of shopping , when I came back he was gasping for breath! he had struggled so much getting dressed (after being told not!! to get dressed) but being independant as he is!! then some one had knocked at the door to deliver parcels for next door! grrrrrr I have told DH not!!!! TO GO TO THE door when I am not in! but do they listen? nope! he was left gasping for breath and looked so ill and to be honest well I thought today might have been the day, as he also has chest infection and on his usual steroids and anti biotics nebuliser etc etc
so yes I can imagine others trying to "prepare" for the worst, but I know when that day/night comes it will feel like someone has slapped you so hard across the face!! and pulled the rug from under you.

Gally it's a tribute to your great relationship that you should feel like this. If you had left him behind, he would probably be saying and feeling the same. I hope you will be able to look at photos and enjoy your memories of him soon, as they can bring such comfort. jeni has expressed those feelings, too. I'm so sorry your lovely husbands are no longer here. Those of us who haven't had such happy and content marriages still understand what you are missing. Take care

Gally I can't know how you feel, I can only imagine.
I will never feel like you do, as I've never had a wonderful relationship like you and your Dh. So even though you are grieving, I sort of envy your sadness if you understand me, and your memories.
I'm sure they give you a lot of comfort (((hugs))) I hope so xx

Gally what can I say? You have expressed very understandable emotions of grief, bereavement and anger. When we said those words "Till death us do part", I wonder how many of us appreciated what we were signing up to? It will come to most of us and we just hope that the love of those around us, family and friends, will help us to get through it all.