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moving on after bereavement

(362 Posts)
ladybird9 Wed 04-Apr-12 22:46:24

I realise that there must be so many widows out there, me being one of them, I find life so difficult without him, although we had our differences, marriage is an institution after so many years together. Any advice as to how to move on successfully. I have moved from one county to another in an attempt to change my outlook, still trying......... down days, up days, !!!!!
Not being a member of Gransnet too long, I feel that because it is an indiscreet way of airing my thoughts I can do so without anyone knowing who I am, is this strange ???? would really appreciate acknowledgement and your views on the bereavement issue.

glassortwo Wed 04-Apr-12 22:56:23

No ladybird its not strange to feel the need to voice these feelings, I think in all relationships we have our differences. I have not been in your situation but I think possibly taking each day as it comes is the best advice and things will become a little easier for you.. and you can look back on your time together with joy and love. flowers

nanachrissy Thu 05-Apr-12 09:07:53

I've not been bereaved Ladybird but I think time, and an open mind will help you to move on with your life.
Take it slowly and come on here to unload whenever your feelings get too much for you.
We are happy to listen and help if we can flowers sunshine

susiecb Thu 05-Apr-12 09:31:46

ladybird |I am sorry that you are sad and although I am not a widow I did experience a very difficult bereavement after my mother and then my father died. the problem was I had such a bad relaitionship with my mother and I never understood her dislike of me. It did take a number of years and even now I am very angry with her. Would it be a good idea to talk with someone professional who can help you make the adjustments. I hope this is not one of the down day and send you best wishes.

grrrranny Thu 05-Apr-12 09:46:10

ladybird9 This is a really good place to share exactly how you are feeling and it isn't strange. You can say whatever you want without worrying and people will understand. Just being able to do that is a great help I find and you will get support and help. Just keep posting and I am sure that others, who have been in your situation, will respond as well. Meantime, all best wishes from me. sunshine

ladybird9 Thu 05-Apr-12 10:17:34

to all of you lovely understanding ladies that took the time to reply to my recent post I thank you, yes you are all right to 'air' views certainly relieves a little of the inner feelings. I will continue to log into Gransnet and hopefully contact each and everyone of you for your kindness.
I wish you all a good day, today, tomorrow and always

greenmossgiel Thu 05-Apr-12 10:26:50

ladybird9 - flowersx

Ariadne Thu 05-Apr-12 10:35:19

ladybird9 xxx

glammanana Thu 05-Apr-12 13:33:06

ladybird9 any time you feel that you need a cheerful pick me up come in and have a chat there is always someone here for you,we have nice sensible conversations and sometimes daft and funny conversations so when the mood takes you please remember to join us flowers

shodatin Thu 05-Apr-12 15:52:07

I was widowed about twenty years ago, and can still remember how much it helped to have a counsellor from Cruse Bereavement Care. Of course, time is a healer but I don't know any "best" ways to deal with it. If you can see this as another stage in life, like emigrating or having a baby etc., it might help in realising that there is a different way of living opening up, and some things will actually be better and easier for you. Do try Cruse, they have lots of practical leaflets as well as social events and experienced counsellors and volunteer workers. Best wishes for the future.

teddymac Thu 05-Apr-12 16:18:52

Hello ladybird9 - I was widowed twelve years ago when I was 52 as was my husband. He had been terminally ill for just over a year so I suppose in some ways I was already preparing myself for life without him. I found it was friends who helped me through though those first early days of widowhood, friends who allowed me to talk not only about how I was going to carry on but also to talk about my husband, which I wanted so much to do. Just talking is so important. I had - and still have - a dog, which meant I had to be up and out in the mornings, even when I found it hard to face the day and just walking and thinking (and crying!) helped. I was given the advice never to turn down an invitation - not always easy advice to follow at the beginning. Being single again takes some getting used to, but just take it one day at a time. You may find, as I did, that you feel quite proud of yourself when you do something new on your own that you would never have thought of doing in the past, such as going to the cinema. You may even find you quite enjoy it. There are no rules for grieving - just take it slowly. There will be good days and bad day and days when you think you have cracked this grieving thing only to find that the next day you are down again. But over time you will find that there are more good days than bad and life seems worth living again and can be fun. Be patient - it will come.

Sbagran Thu 05-Apr-12 17:19:06

I am fortunate in not having being in the same position as you ladybird except for the devastation when I lost my Mum, but I send you huge hugs and flowers.
I hope today is a good day, but good day or 'not so good' there always seems to be someone 'on line' here at Gransnet.
Like you I like the 'anonymity' of this site - you can say what you like with no fear of anyone identifying you and without upsetting anyone. Also if anyone seems to really touch you you can always 'personal message' them and get great support.
Huge hugs my love, life will get easier but take it a day (or even an hour!) at a time and most importantly do things in your time not when people say you should! More flowers and keep on Gransnet!

juneh Fri 06-Apr-12 12:46:05

I was widowed nearly eleven years ago now and I thought, nay truly believed that I would never recover. My husband died a horrible death with Mesothelioma (asbestos cancer) he was 57, he had been seemingly fit and healthy but then after a short illness diagnosed as terminally ill. We were looking forward to life together and doing OK after 30 years or so together.
Now all those years on I am remarried 5 years ago and have both his grandsons and my grandaughters. We have retired to Llandudno and have a caravan in which we tour around Britain.
After 3 years widowed I decided to chance my arm on the internet dating and took my first date with this lovely widower who has the same values and principles as I do.
I tell you all this because even though I thought I wanted to die too all those years ago my life eventually took a different path and I am living my retirement happily. I know the agony of the loss and I know what loneliness feels like and I am sorry for your loss but please don't lose hope.
warm wishes

jeni Fri 06-Apr-12 12:54:49

My husband died almost exactly 9years ago! You always miss them and life goes on! He was only59 when he died and we had been planning long sailing holidays together.
I don't think I would remarry as in a lot of ways I prefer my solitary life.
And there's always GN!

Mishap Fri 06-Apr-12 13:26:26

Ladybird - I send you all good wishes. As hoped, there are people on here who have personal experience and I am sure that they will be able to help you. It does sound as though people have been able to pick up their lives and carry on - but they also understand the place that you are in at the moment.

nonnasusie Fri 06-Apr-12 15:13:34

I was widowed nearly 17 years ago after 24 happy years. My husband died in a motorcycle accident on his way to work only about a mile from home. He was only 47. The shock when the police came to the door was terrible and like June I thought I would never come to terms with it. It's a cliche but time is a great healer and eventually things become easier. I also met someone on a dating site and remarried 4 years ago. My husband is Italian so we retired here to Italy immediately after our wedding. I know some people would never consider remarrying but I was so lonely and my children had their own lives to lead.We now have a lovely home and 3 beautiful grandaughters between us.
Just take things at your own pace and don't rush into anything you are unsure of! I wish you well and hopefully in time you will have more good days than bad.

fancyface Fri 06-Apr-12 22:43:51

My dear friend went home to Jamaica and was murdered three years ago. we still miss him, his wife ,who has been with him since she was 14 yrs is not coping well and I pray that she will in time re build her life .

Take things at your own pace and best wishes to you. I am also sending you loads of 'hugs' .

redamanthas Sat 07-Apr-12 10:22:17

Hello ladybird and thankyou for starting this thread, it's obviously helping not just yourself but those of us who are widows also. My husband died nearly ten years ago aged 54. I have recently moved to live nearer my daughter and to a bungalow because my mobility needs are becoming greater. This is a new lease of life for me, but I still miss my husband. Time it is true is a healer you never "get over it" but you do learn to live a different type of life. You will meet friends along lifes path who will help you. I joined different groups, the U3A, a book club, a natural healing group. Anywhere where conversation is lively and you can be transported away from your grief for a period of time. It does get easier, I promise.

yogagran Wed 11-Apr-12 09:15:15

I've just read through this and found it very moving:

Bluebadge Wed 11-Apr-12 11:53:34

I divorced my husband after 31 years and 3yrs later met a lovely man who was my partner for almost 20 years. Sadly he died two months ago and I am back to being on my own again. I have been trying to find things to do - clubs, societies etc to join, but at my age (77) there are not too many. I found a list of what is on in my county and am going to slowly work my way through them. They appear to be mainly tea dances/sequence dancing etc. but at least I am going to give them a try. Might even try the Bingo!!!

gracesmum Wed 11-Apr-12 14:23:42

Some brave ladies here and my heart goes out to you all. What I am seeing is that there are possibly as many different ways of coping and moving on, as GNetters who have been bereaved. The one indisputable thing in common is our strength as women to share our feelings and support each other, flowers to you all.

ladybird9 Mon 14-May-12 16:43:37

many thanks for your wise words and apologise for delay in replying. Many thanks. x

Elegran Mon 14-May-12 18:42:53

I lost my dear husband three and a half weeks ago. We knew three years ago that he would not survive more than a couple of years, but his last few days were still a shock to me. However long you have, there are always things you wish you had said or done while you had time, and life without him has no structure or purpose. The days are long and the house empty and quiet.

Family and friends (real friends and virtual ones on Gransnet) help to partly fill the gap, and I am trying to follow the advice to not refuse any invitation and to "live for two". It would be all to easy to sit in front of the TV and shut out the world.

I think I can only repeat what others have said, that (I hope) time is a great healer.

greenmossgiel Mon 14-May-12 18:47:12

I hope so, too, Elegran. xx

jeni Mon 14-May-12 18:51:58

It is! I promise you. I've been through it. Get through the first year and you've won! Honest!