moving on after bereavement

I'm hoping someone out there can help sort me out - my mum died two years ago, having had dementia. The last year of her life was pure hell, for her, for us as she had the worst possible manifestation of that awful illness. She was sectioned for 7 months as she was a danger to herself and others.
Having said all that, when she died, although I was obviously very sad, it's only now, when things are calmer - wills etc... have all been sorted out. I have started volunteering with the Alzheimer's Society which is great and helps to put back some of the wonderful support we had from them. But .... I now feel very upset about my mum's last few years, especially now I know how much better it could have been, if I'd known what help there was out there for her. I wake up crying, feel very depressed, can't be bothered to do much at all - is this normal? I'm already on anti-depressants and have been since she was ill, so I can't do much medically. I really feel I should be over it by now. We inherited a reasonable amount, so no money worries, no family worries etc.... it really doesn't make sense that I feel so raw.

Jend xxxxxxxxxxx

My five year old granddaughter had diarrhoea yesterday.
I actually got upset while I was clearing her up, because it's the first time I've had to do it this year. I used to have to clear up quite a lot after Ken, when he could no longer do it for himself.

I have just had a phone call from a company saying they are working on behalf of the DWP.
They asked to speak to Mr or Mrs ......
I called her a liar, because if she was working for the DWP, then she would know that Ken died this year. She then carried on trying to talk to me, obviously not realising.

I then called her stupid as well as a liar, and put the phone down.

Just warning you in case you get any phone calls from this company, whose name I have forgotten. I know they are just doing a job, but really...

Fondasharing

Whenever someone said to Ken, "Why you?" he would always say why not.
Whatever was wrong with him, he would never wish on anyone else.

fondasharing it is hard looking after some one 24/7 a no just like a lot of other ladies on hear 'and like you i did some time think why me 'but i would love to do it all over again ,thanks ella

Well said Ella

to everyone who is hurting.

to all of you who are grieving, we are still listening, so keep on letting it out. (((hugs)))

As I have been up since 04.00 this morning, I have just read all the 15 pages and have been so moved by the messages, song and poems. I have also been "away" from Gransnet for some months.

I am very lucky because I still have my husband and both my parents.

So now, this has made me so determined to make the very most of them all. I am my husband's carer and sometimes I do feel resentful, as if he is a "burden"....but I also know that he is the centre of my world and our family and i must try harder to just enjoy what time we have together. And as far as my Mum goes "who will I call when it is time to plant the geraniums?".

Thank you everybody for sharing......it is so worthwhile and so inspiring.

I know those moments gally, as mishap said, hang on in there.

Gally (((((big hug))))) x

Yes - hang on in there gally.

We most certainly are, Gally. xx

Gally my dear, it does get better. It never goes completely but it does diminish a lot. The first year is the worst. Hold in there. We're all behind you.

I've just been giving my 6 month old gs his bottle, before bed and I burst into tears - boom, just like that. I just wanted J to be there to share the moment with me - he would have been so proud. Silly things like this happen all the time. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever get easier (have to say that gs gave me a very odd look - for heavens sake, Gally, get a grip, it seemed to say

Jendurham, I can't offer any advice on this as I haven't been in any comparable situation but I'm sure someone else has been and will help.
I've come back to this thread after a few days away. It's called moving on after bereavement; I cannot think I will ever do that but if it was called coping, well, that is what I have been trying to start to do, by immersing myself in all the admin. It has helped enormously. There has been, and is, so much to do, added to which I have had to deal with the last phase of the renovation of the house we'd bought and arrange to move to it. Too much to do, and what a blessing that has been. DD's had to go back to their own lives a few days after the funeral, leaving just poor DS here with me to help pick up the pieces. That was my lowest ebb. But last Sunday night, for the first time, I slept - in fact I slept the clock round. And woke to a beautiful, cold, clear morning ready to get going on it. It has been a life-saver. Just sorting through all the paperwork, getting it organised, cleared my head and gave me back a bit of confidence that I will get through this and will be able to cope alone. I offer this up in the hope that it may help someone else. I know we all must have different ways of getting through it, but just now this is working for me. The trouble is that. as Gally knows only too well, grief just sweeps over you unexpectedly. So many people have had to wait during a phone call while I have been literally unable to speak, tears pouring down my face - but all have been very patient. That is a wonderful poem, lucid.

For 15 years I was Ken's carer, although for the first 14 I used to get annoyed when he called me that. However, it did get me into many places cheap or even for free.
The last year I did not mind so much as I really was by then.
He also said I was his walking stick. People used to say, "What, still holding hands after all these years?" but it was to stop him falling over, as well as being nice.
There are a few people who do not mind when I talk about him, which I do a lot of the time. I also play very loud Beatles music at night, as he used to sing it and play his guitar to me. Not just the Beatles, Moody Blues, Animals, The Byrds, Georgie Fame, lots of 60s stuff. My neighbour hasn't said anything yet.
Next week my grandson is going to Beamish Museum with his class at school.
That's where his grandad's seat is. I've suggested to his mum that she mention it to his teacher in case he gets upset. He might even want to show it off to his classmates, but I think if he was in my class, I'd want to be reminded. What do you think?

People can help by talking to you - about anything not necessarily anything important, and by being interested in what you are doing. I don't just mean how you are doing but what small projects you are engaged in to fill your days and occupy your mind - small beer but essential distractions.

You need people to listen when you want to talk about him, and not be anxious that you might disintegrate all over them. They don't have to put on exaggeredly sad sympathetic expressions and tell you how awful it must be - you know that without being told. As Butty said, just saying "It's hard, isn't it?" shows that they are aware. That is enough.

Sometimes you need someone else's ideas for outings or activities to give you another interest. Until you are alone all day, you take for granted how much you depend on another presence in your life, even if he spends a lot of the time playing golf or watching some incredibly boring TV programme.

It is eight days since my friend's son died. She rang me today, the first time she felt she could talk. Last night was the first time she slept and yesterday she ate. The funeral is on Wednesday.

Oh Jendurham....just carry on doing what you're doing. It's the right thing. xx

Jendurham

I now have another reason for keeping Ken's ashes where they are.
I was going to put them near some trees that we bought in his name, but with the Ash tree problem, I do not want to do that yet, just in case they all get dug up again. There's holly, his tree, and ash and rowan all in the same place.
I have to switch the light on in the bedroom when it starts getting dark, like now, because I do not want him to be left in the dark, even though I know he's not there.
In the Spring, whenever I was walking up the hill and someone would say to me, "It's a lovely day" I would burst into tears and say no it isn't, and have to explain. Nobody mentions the weather to me anymore.
I cannot shop for one either, so it's lucky that I live in the same village as my son and his family.

Butty How comforting xx

A beautiful poem, lucid.

On my recent visit to the UK, I went to the tiny graveyard where my Mum is buried and tidied it up a bit. Leaving, I was fiddling with the gate's chain/hook combo., crying, when a man came alongside and opened it for me. He said "It's hard, isn't it". Whether he meant the gate or my evident emotion I've no idea, but it was just the right words to hear, at the right time. I'll never forget the simplicity and kindness in that comment.