Daughter at wits end - how can I help

Lots of good ideas here - just sending good wishes.
One other suggestion - have a regular time when someone looks after ill sister and he has a day of personal attention from one parent - and this happens regularly so he can come to rely on it.

One of my DDs starting soiling herself when she was about 8 and we dealt with it by upping the attention (not at the time of the soiling of course, just in general) and it went away - I think she was trying to tell us something!

I wonder. We don't often get follow-up do we. Hope that's a good sign in this case.

Bumped
I wonder how the little boy is coping now with the house move, etc?

Just reading all these posts makes me realise how much things have changed since I was a wee girl! Now grandparents and parents try to understand why children are upset. We try to put ourselves in their shoes and imagine how they must feel when new and difficult things happen. When I was small children were "seen and not heard" and if we were upset or behaved badly we were just plain naughty. The "good old days" weren't very good for children! Glad things are improving Diddly. I am sure all that love and understanding surrounding your wee boy will support him while he gets to grips with everything that has happened.

Thanks for sharing stansgran. I think you may be right about your grandson. I think mine is generally more anxious than some. It seems that first children are often a lot more anxious that subsequent offspring so need that bit of extra care. The great thing about being a Nan is you can see things much more clearly from a distance so hopefully I can be a better grandmother than I was a mother. I guess we all have to keep improving if we can and I am doing my best! X

Grandson ill in hospital and a new baby soon after plus a house move-I had a very crotchety little grand son-but it all improves with time. I don't think he will ever be as sweet and smiley as he was before and still gets a very anxious look in his eyes when a new situation presents itself. but maybe he would be like that anyway. Do hope life starts to smile on you both

Sewsilver thanks so much for sharing your story. What a strong lady you must be to have soldiered through and come out with well adjusted adult offspring! Having your other half bale out and your mum so ill must have made a hard situation almost intolerable. My first DH left when our two got to be teenage and stroppy,which was bad enough but nothing compared to what you have been through.
I've got a day at the hosp tomorrow with DD and the little lady so will pass on your words of encouragement. Many thanks and I hope life is treating you much more kindly these days X

Diddly, so sorry it's so difficult for everyone at present. Just wanting to give you hope for the long term, other gransnet terms have given so many brilliant shorter term solutions. I was in a similar situation to your DDwhen my three children were young. All under 4 when DS 2 in and out of hospital with long term and permenant health issues, converting an old house, DS1 and DD both needing ear and throat surgery, my mother dying of cancer , MIL living abroad so no help. DH no use and left declaring it was all too much. Nightmare . Having a Grandmother like you to help would have made all the difference. However all of my children have emerged as caring , strong and resilient people . DS1 and DD have learned so much from growing up with a brother who has special needs and I'm sure your grandson will too. The bond between the three of them is very strong. Your daughter and family are solucky to have you.

Fantastic - that must be such a relief. Probably giving the issue an airing and allowing yourselves to address it has been a catalyst for this change, along with him gradually getting accustomed to his new home now he sees all the things he's accustomed to are still there for him. Hope it continues to get better x

Just a quick report to all the kind contributors to say that we seem to have turned a corner yesterday. They all had a better day with my grandson 'forgetting to be cross' most of the time, telling mummy he loved her twice and happily zooming about on a new 'ride on' which he is far too big for but which he chose and adores! I'm sure ther will be set backs but my daughter is feeling a lot more positive and hopeful so many thanks again! X

We moved home when my DS was about 2, and DD 6 months. We only moved 5 miles but DS was desperately unhappy at first and would ran after visitors cars as they left because he wanted to to go back to the old house.

A local church ran a mother and toddler group and I went along to it. It was a godsend to all three of us. DS has always been a sociable type and once he made new friends in our new location he settled down. We all made friends, several of whom remain friends nearly forty years later.

Perhaps, if it possible with one child with health problems, join something similar, nowadays, grandparents are as welcome at these groups as parents. If he makes new friends at the new location he may begin to settle, plus the other suggestions already made.

Johanna, I think the operation has made a bad situation worse. My daughter was with him when he went 'under' and all was well but she was then called to a different part of the hospital because her husband had had to bring her daughter in be put on intravenous fluids because of a bug. The staff were great ( they know her well) and they called her immediately my grandson was in recovery but due to an alarm going off she was delayed getting back and body the time she did he was hysterical and being held down by two people. Horrid for them both.
I would love to move in for a month but have to try to divide my time between 90 year old parents (live as far away but in the other direction!) other children and grandchildren and my poor much neglected husband,home and garden. It's a juggle to say the least!
We got his new bedding yesterday and my daughter came here with just him, leaving sibling at home with daddy so he had a nice day I think. He reorganized his bedroom with daddy later on so hope to hear they had a better night than recently!
Once more thanks to one and all for 'listening' and responding. It was a huge help just to be heard,but the ideas have been very useful too. Bless you all ! X

i had my tonsils out in 2005 i think. nasty. no wonder he's upset.

My son went into hospital to have his tonsils out at around the same age, and when he came home, he was uncharacteristically clingy and emotional for quite a while, as I remember. We couldn't seem to do anything right, but he did settle down again eventually. Lots of good advice given above.

How difficult it must be for you all. Lots of good advice on here. I would echo Hunt's thoughts. Can you perhaps spend time with the little girl who is ill so that your wee grandson can have some one to one time with mum where he is the focus of attention. I think that would pay dividends. Also agree however that three year olds can be difficult no matter how much love and input they have!! You sound like a lovely caring gran so I am sure things will improve.

diddly - Poor chap, he has my sympathies. Children often need consistency in routine and boundaries (emotional and physical) to give them the security they need. He's had such a lot to deal with in such a short time that no wonder he is all over the place. I am sure he will settle in time, but if a secure and dependable routine can be provided for him, that might settle him. Good luck. x

diddly
Try and imagine the trauma for him. I do not know how children's procedures are dealt with now a days. Would his parents have been allowed to be there when he was given his GA?

It may well be that he associates the operation with the new house.

Also, a general anaesthetic will take a while to get out of his system.
Hope you can help.

I do sympathise with your situation but all good advice already given. Except I do remember when my children small what a comfort it was when my mother stayed with us for a week every now and then. Would you be in a position to do something like that?

You've had so much good advice already that I can't really add to it. I'm sure he will be pleased to visit you in familiar surroundings. Have a lovely day with the two of them.

You sound more cheerful today, too - have a lovely time

Some more excellent advice thank you. Very pleased I took the plunge to register on here and ask for help! I suspect the house has actually had more attention from mum and dad than even his poorly sister and at least that is slowly getting sorted. His sister is actually quite undemanding and cheerful when she's not feeling too rough so doesn't get all that much fuss. They are both coming here for a break from home today so a happy day ahead with any luck! Thanks again to all. Hope I can be of help myself before long!

That sound advice bags. Children generally take new adventures in their stride as long as the people who care for them are consistent.

We don't know the details of the household arrangements, but I wonder if a simple thing such as the same person giving him his tea every day, the same person bathing him and putting him to bed every night, might add to his feeling of security. If he can't rely on mum or dad being there at what are crucial times for a child, he may be feeling the pain of that. Of course, I son't know how easy or difficult this would be to arrange, but it might be worth a try.

My mum (mother of five and we moved house a few times) always used to say that children can cope with a change of place or a change of person, but not both at once.

I've moved house twice with young children, the length of the country in both cases, and not having seen the house we were moving to beforehand. The children took it in their stride.

Therefore, I don't think it's the house move that is causing the little boy's anguish. I suspect it is his own illness added to his parents' constant worry about his sibling.

The suggestions given above are all good and I would stress the one about giving him much more time and attention. Hard for the parents in such a situatioin but I think that's what he needs.

It's also worth remembering that three year olds often kick up a fuss about nothing in particular and some of it could be that. You just have to grin and bear it. Sounds as if his arents are doing that so they have my heartfelt sympathy. Good luck to you all.

Get him tiny tools and make his own garden. Perhaps grow some simple veg?