Coming to terms with an absent son

My daughter said she thought of me, and appreciated me, far more once she had children of her own. Maybe, as sons aren't usually the main carer, they never get to feel the same way. I think they like to know we are there in the backs of their mind, a bit like a warm comfortable savings account. A purely selfish potential need. I'm not being rude about them, just practical and hopefully objective, in that knowing that we are there is what enables them to carry on in what is a hard world.

I do so envy you out there with daughters. I have two sons who are lovely and I see them most weeks. Counting my blessings is something I do very regularly and with great deternination, - if you see what I mean.
But why do I have the faint feeling these days that I am becoming a nuisance? Visits are so short these days, and phone calls, texts and emails very rare indeed. I suspect they endure me with a sort of amused affection and are utterly convinced that mother is losing her marbles?
However, I am truly grateful for the fact that I do see them, mainly due to my very nice daughters-in-law. I know I am lucky.

My heart goes out to those of you whose sons have cut you off in some way. This is so painful, I dont know how you endure it. I know our children don't belong to us forever and we have to let them go, but how sad it is if they just can't be bothered to maintain loving contact with the people who gave them life and raised them.

My own DH is just as bad. I talk to his mother far more often than he does, he says she 'just witters on' although he does love her very much, he simply doesn't feel the need for regular communication in the way that she (- and indeed I) does. She phones once a week at the very least to stay in touch, at what are often very inconvenient times (such as when we are on our way to bed) and it was only the other day that I said that really, if he would only phone her at a time suitable to him once a week, then maybe he wouldn't get so irritated. He rather shamefacedly agreed.

I hoped that staying in contact by facebook would solve my own problems with her as she can talk for England, an hour at a time, but no. A message from me on facebook to her means that I must be sitting there with nothing to do and would therefore love an hour's chat - which in her case, means listening to her talk and me not getting in a word. Then she accuses me of not telling her anything! She isn't alone, she still has FiL.

Her other son says that when she rings, he pops the phone down, goes to nake a coffee and festches a book and just lets her ramble. They both think that unless she has something really important to tell them, not that she has been for a walk and seen a buzzard, or that she has a new vicar, they don't want to know. I keep hoping that I will be able to remember that when my son has really left home.

It's interesting to hear it from another point of view, janerowena.
A few hints were dropped a couple of years ago about me talking too much so I have tried hard to curb it! (it comes of living alone, I think),
Old people's news is boring, I suppose, especially to men.

This morning I had a long FaceTime conversation with my son overseas before the children got up. He and his family have been out there for nearly three months and communications are mainly limited to Facebook posts and photos. It was lovely to speak at length and have some questions answered at last- trivial to him but the sort of details I crave. It will keep me going for a while. They are always in my thoughts but I accept that they no longer need us as they once did. Sad but true - and the natural order of things.

No rockgran I totally agree that they no longer need us and as another post said we are right to let them flee the nest when the time comes but I can say with feeling the time comes when WE need them.I am now in that situation.My DD lives 350 miles away with youngish children and my S has his own problems and I would love some help/visits to help me cope with a difficult time I am having ,waiting for a brain scan appointment for my husband to confirm presence/degree of dementia. He isn't too bad but I don't want to think how bad things may get and do really wish my DD was closer.

annsixty I count my blessings that my daughters are close by. I hope its good news and have many more happy years.

I hope things work out for you Annsixty.
I don't think we can rely on our children to take care of us - just hope that they might want to. I try not to worry about what will happen when we are really old or alone. (I have a vivid imagination and don't need to dwell on things.)

Taneth 18 years ago my son and girlfriend left to look round NZ we all had a dinner together (not the last supper) before they went and I knew he would never come back and he hasn't. I miss him, his lovely wife and my two darling grandkids who I know so little of really, and the older I get its hard because I know if he was here there is so many little bits of help he would give me. Fourteen years ago my youngest got married to a European and moved away, not so far to visit but still a plane journey and you miss all the school concerts and birthday events etc My eldest also move to be with her fella who unfortunately died so after 12 years she moved back so poor her will be the one lumbered with me when I get to the dribbling, falling over stage I miss my children and however many phone calls skypes texts you have to accept you aren't part of their circle , their in jokes, hobbies life in general you are on the outside and it does hurt but it is how life is and how life has to be You never stop loving but however painful you have to step back ......and it does get easier When the little bird sits on the edge of the nest you have to push it out to allow it to learn to fly
Good luck Taneth

Thankyou BlueBelle, what you say strikes such a cord but as you say I have to step back now..

tanith and rockgran thank you for your kind thoughts. I am on a path I really don't want to travel but I just have to stay on it and plod on.I know others on this site have been there before me.

BLUEBELL your post gave me goosepimples.

I wanted to read what you said because I am experiencing a similar thing with my son--glad I did

I know this will be unpopular with some mothers on GN but for some children a very close family is suffocating and some sons and daughters just want to get away to where their every action action is not observed and commented on, and they can breathe a different air.
Since the invention of the bicycle men have left to seek a wife away from home.
tanith you are lucky to have so much family nearby. You will come to terms with the fact that your son is away and you are now in the middle of this painful process. it will get better- it will pass.

I don't speak to my sons that often (one in NZ and one in AUs) - it occurred to me this morning that DS1 and I have better conversations on the land phone than on Skype - Skype can be distracting sometimes and a bit broken up. Sometimes on Skype he is looking to see how i am reacting to something and I am looking at him (noticing he looks tired or whatever).
The other one is so hopeless with IT it has to be phone, but he now has a cheap deal on his mobile so we can talk without thinking of how much it is costing.
I wish I was nearer so I could help with the kids - it is very hard bringing up a family so far from any other family support.

It's a constant pull between children. Here in Oz, I see how my DD has made her family and her life. She is happy with her lot. She told me last time that she does not miss the village where she was brought up, in idyllic surroundings in a happy family unit with her 2 sisters; that was then and 'this' is now, although she loves to visit home and it's people she misses. I try to get beyond it but it still hurts. We are very close and she would like me to move out here. However I have 2 DD's and 4 more gc's back in the UK, albeit some 400 miles away, one of whom could do with my help in more way than one. I know their lifestyles are their choices and they all tell me to do what is right for me. I've said before on another thread some time ago, that you have your children for a short time, you do your best for them and then you let them go, but particularly over the last few months since being widowed, I am finding the letting go a bit difficult. It's like the tables have turned - I was the one in control and making the big decisions and now they are gradually taking over. I don't like it much!

Gally I can so relate to you post , both my children who live away have good life styles the one that lives near has had a bad hand through no fault of her own at all, I try to be fair to all but its obvious that most of my help baby sitting, school run etc is done with the one near to, nothing has ever been said but the relationship from the ones away to the one here is so limited now they rarely contact her and that really gets to me. I also find that as age is creeping around there are so many little bits and pieces my son would have done for me sometimes when we speak on the phone and maybe he'll say just got to go helping my mate cut some trees down and I look out the window and think I ve got to pay hundreds to get my trees lopped.....but hey ho that's life,- they are all good parents all in jobs, all have their own houses, and never been in trouble so I must have done something right

I have often thought that my DS would end up going abroad and I know I would miss him so much even though I have my other children close by. My heart goes out to you ladies

My son used to say, about 4 years ago when he was 14, that he would never go to live abroad because he would miss us too much. I was so happy! A couple of months ago he was musing about going to work in Sweden.

Thinking about what I talk to my son about when he is away at Uni - he loves current affairs. he isn't interested in my thoughts and feelings or if I have a cold, I don't expect him to be. We discuss things like Syria and the Ukraine, after the initial 'We are still alive, are you?' and telling him if I have seen any of his friends.

I have done a little research on Gransnetters behalf, with my husband.

OH is definitely NOT keen when his mother starts telling him about her toothache or thyroid. Apparently that is what I am for, to take that burden from him. He wants to know they are still alive and happy, if they have any important news, to be able to tell her about work (she also used to be a teacher so it is something they have in common) and talk about music - both singers. In other words, shared interests. Snippets of interest about those subjects that the other may or may not have heard of. Day to day life? No. A new maths book that he may never have come across - yes.

So really I have to talk about music and current affairs with my son and keep the other stuff for my daughter.

This post has helped me a lot as I have two sons, one lives half an hour away and the other 2 hours with a 7 month dd, and I am struggling with the 'how much contact' situation. Ds1, is exactly like taniths, like getting blood out of a stone but I do keep persisting with texts because it makes me feel better. Ds2 is better, his mobile is permanently attached to him and he loves using it, for texting mainly. In some ways these smartphones make it easier to stay in touch with sons as we can send messages such as 'are you still alive?' And photos to prove it and no actual talking needs to take place

janerowena your reasearch is great, exactly what my husband is like with his mother. I so much dont want to be the mother who 'witters on' and is a nuisance, on the otherhand if left to them, contact would be once a year at xmas! I think we are all doing the best we can with our unique situations and personalities.

Think how lucky you are to have your daughters and children living near you. My son and his family, our only grandchildren, live 200 miles away. We visit them regularly but it would be lovely to be able to see them weekly, we manage with once every six weeks or so.

...but still in UK Flickety x

Both of mine are about the same distance away, Flickety. I also try to see them about every 6 - 8 weeks. Fortunately they don't live too far from each other - one in Berks and the other in South Oxfordshire.

My daughter is 3 hours away, I wish she was nearer. I see her three times a year for a week each time. Heaven only knows where my son will end up. Abroad I suspect.

I sat down and explained to DBH just how much I miss our son, and that his mother still misses him after even 30 years and that is why she phones, not because she is determined to make him miss Michael Portillo wandering around on railways. Because of this thread, I made my son answer the phone to her when she rang (number recognition) and then call his Dad in from his study. I made him lead the conversation into areas he likes once she had imparted her news, rather than let her lead it into areas that don't interest him. They don't tell you about having to do that on the job descriptions for being a wife, but in the long run it will make me feel less resentful about having a lonely MiL phoning up for hours while DBH is happily esconced in his study.

I think when they leave home we are so determined not to let them see how much we miss them, that they really sometimes think we don't mind if there is no contact. Also, I know how fast time flies when it comes to calling my own mother. We don't have a set routine.

Oh yes, I do understand the problem when grand children are overseas, but Tanith does have grandchildren close at hand as well. I was just suggesting counting her blessings that she has some grandchildren living nearby rather than dwelling on the unborn grandchildren living abroad.

My grandmother drove my aunt and mother mad because she missed my uncle so much. They thought he was her favourite because she was always saying she wished he was back in the UK, but now I realise, which they never seemed to, that she just wanted all her family back together again at times. I am never happier than when we are all under the same roof.