My daughter-in-law is a horrible person

I'm sorry but I think you were really wrong to send the email onto your son. Your son is caught in the middle here between the women he loves dearly, albeit in different ways. I also think you should paste a smile on your face, however difficult, and be at that party. Clearly your DIL has been hurt and angered by something you've perhaps inadvertently said and which I'm certain was not your intent. But, in fairness, your DIL has tried to explain how she perceives the problem. I think I would acknowledge how she feels, apologise that she has perceived things in that manner and then ask her how you can both move forward to resolve the situation together.

A journal is a good idea. I started keeping a journal four years ago giving vent to my frustrations and problems with my mother. I found once
I'd written it down it stopped being such a big hurdle and shrunk into perspective. It helped a lot and quickly developed into a full account of my daily life. (Excellent for me as I have an appalling memory.) Already it's interesting to read back and find how my attitude has mellowed.

Perhaps you could also start a story book of your life for your DGD? It may lessen the pain of your separation.

I pretty much have all of the birthday party pictures, as all who took them posted them on Facebook.

I mentioned to my husband that I would like to invited son's IL's to dinner, and he said he's not interested, and that he puts them in the same category as their daughter. I guess I can understand that, because how can they stand by and allow her to keep my grand-daughter from me, and not say anything? Also, if they wanted to be my friend, they would have pursued it already.

I started a letter to my son, sharing all of my feelings. You could say it's a journal of a sort, because I doubt if I'll ever get the chance to give it to him in private. His wife has access to everything - email, Facebook, etc., so she would delete it before he had a chance to read it anyway. I had to start writing it down, though, because it honestly keeps me up at night. I think about it constantly. I guess because she is the only person that I know that doesn't like me. I have alot of friends, and I've never met a stranger. I talk to people and joke with them, whether I know them or not. That's just my personality. I guess that's why this is so hard on me. I just don't understand her dis-like of me, and there doesn't seem to be a way to remedy it.

Grma32 I agree it will be a tough call because you are not sure about your son's in-laws but in a way nothing to lose especially if you start from the position that they will possibly say no...then if they accept it is a bonus!
Really hope things work out. Also were other's taking photos? Could you ask other granny for a copy of a birthday picture as you forgot your camera? She can't refuse that!

I just wanted to express my support and I am very impressed that you plucked up the courage to go.Take care .

Well done that you got to the party. It must have taken so much courage.
I think nanaej's idea is a good one. How can they refuse, especially if you give them a choice of time. Good luck.

It's funny you mention that, nanaej, because I have been thinking about the in-laws and trying to include them and maybe establish a relationship with them. I'm still trying to test the waters and see what their perception is of the situation, and if they support their daughter and her mis-treatment of me, or if they have no idea she has been this way to me (not that I plan on telling them!). They are always cordial, but then again, so is their daughter 'face-to-face', so I'm a little afraid to trust them...

You did your best Grma by going to your GD's birthday party and I agree, your DIL is horrible. I understand why your husband is fed up with your son and DIL. Her mother might find her difficult to deal with too and that may be the reason why she doesn't say anything. Horrible people are often hard work for everyone they come across.

just caught u with this Grma32 I am glad you saw you son and DGD even if it wasn't the way you would have wanted. Well done though for keeping the smile going under difficult circumstances for you.

Would it be too difficult (organisationally I mean) for you to invite his MiL to your place for a meal when he is next home? If you could do it why not send a 'thank you' card to his MiL for looking after him on his leave (I know it will stick in the gullet!) and say you will return the favour next time & they can all come to you for a lunch /supper/tea whatever!

Bless you, Greatnan! Thanks for understanding and for your emotional support. I appreciate it more than you know!

You acted well, and it is just a shame that you did not get some record of the day.
When I told my story about my daughter cutting me off completely, as a result of her drug-induced paranoia, one person posted that I must have done something wrong. I have followed all the 'denied contact' threads and it is clear that many of us are suffering the loss of part of our family through no fault of our own. At least my 'cut off' grandchildren are adults so there is some hope that they will have the courage to tell their mother she is wrong, as their oldest sister has done.

Well, I'm sure some of you are wondering how the birthday party went. It was fine, and I'll give details in a minute.

First, let me say that my DIL did NOT contact me for the entire 3 weeks she was here so that I could see my GC. My son came back from the field early, so she drove back home to spend time with him. They ended up driving back for the party (he got a 4 day leave). I had asked him previously if they would have dinner with us Friday night while he's in town, and he said yes they could. But he ended up calling me Friday morning and asking to have lunch 'out' instead. My husband refused to go, so my daughter and I went. We laughed a little during lunch, but there was an awkward tension there. My DIL talked a little and tried to be funny, and I mostly smiled or gave a 'courtesy' chuckle here and there. I didn't elaborate on what she said or even acknowledge it was funny like I normally do. I just couldn't believe she could sit there and act like she did NOTHING wrong. I was nice to her, though. Oh, and I asked my son what they were doing that evening and he said that his MIL was fixing a big dinner for him. I guess that was my DIL's idea and to try and thwart any time he could spend with us.

When we got ready to leave, I held my grand-daughter for about 15 seconds and that was it. She was really cute all through lunch, and I made kissy faces at her so she could imitate me. Very funny!

The party was fine, but by the time came for me to go, I had worried myself sick and actually felt like I was about the enter the lion's den. Needless to say, I didn't take a camera or video camera, and I am absolutely kicking myself for allowing my DIL to get in my head and make me think I didn't have a right to take video or pictures. Very silly of me! There was a point in the party where my son took a bunch of pink tissue and let it rain down on my grand-daughter. She batted at the paper and giggled and it was really cute. That's what I wished I had my video camera! Both my son and DIL were a bit awkward about who was leading the party, and she nagged him silently to help do things, cut the cake, etc. He acted like he didn't even want to be there, but I think it was just his immaturity showing, as well as hers. I asked him what they were doing after the party, and he said his MIL was fixing a big meal and their whole family was going over there. My response via text was "How nice for you. Two nights in a row." and he explained to me via text that the previous night was his 'me time' and he hung out with one of his friends and didn't even spend the night at his MIL's house. I was curious about who watched my grand-daughter, but didn't ask.

I would like to know his feelings about my DIL not allowing me to see my grand-daughter those three weeks, but I don't know that I'll ever get the chance to ask him without her being right there to listen. But I am going to give things time to calm down, so I'm not going to make any contact with them until my son makes the first move. I guess I just feel like she is trying to absorb him into her family and remove him from us, because that's surely what it was this past weekend. I did mention to him that next time they visit I would like for him to spend time with us, since they spent all of their time at HER parents house this time.

The weird thing is that my DIL's mom is very nice and courteous to me any time I have ever been around her. I just can't figure out why she wouldn't speak up to her daughter and tell her she should let us see our grand-daughter. But I'm thinking in terms of the way I would handle it with my own daughter, and honestly I've raised her to consider other people's feelings, so I'm not even sure I'd have to say anything to her, because she wouldn't treat someone like my DIL has treated me.

My husband has decided he's done with the both of them. He wanted to see our grand-daughter this weekend, too, but he didn't want to be around my DIL and not even my son, either. He feels like my son allowing her to treat me like that is not right.

I am trying to understand what my son is going through. He is just trying to keep the peace at home, so he is catering to whatever his wife wants right now. Maybe at some point he'll grow up and be the man of the house...but in the meantime, I'll love him anyway...

I really hope it goes well for you and you have time to enjoy your DGD. As you say sometimes it is worth just being smiley and sweet , even if inside you are seething! That will show her friends and family that you are a warm, friendly and fun loving person who loves her GD. Good luck x

I am sure you will do fine at the party. Shame DH and DD not going for support. Someone is sure to make you feel at home, if not your DIL. Enjoy your GC. You really must talk to your son in a tactful way. Take Care and be brave LDx

thinking of you Grma32.

Good luck and fingers crossed nothing horrendous happens.

Thanks, Flowerofthewest for understanding, and thanks for all of the rest of your comments, even though some had a negative tone.

I am going to the party, as I received my invitation in the mail last week. My daughter will be out of town playing volleyball, and my husband has refused to go, so I will go alone, I suppose. Knowing that my DIL has convinced all of her friends and family what a horrible person I am, it will be a little awkward for me, but I will hold my head high and be as kind and gentle as possible.

As for turning the other cheek, I have. Many times, as a matter of fact. And I will continue to do so, because the last thing I want is for my son and DIL to end up in divorce because of me. She says that 'his family' is the cause of many of their fights, but that's because she is trying to block out 'his family' completely and he is fighting that. I just want him to be happy, and if that means I have to step aside, then I will.

I have decided that once the party is over and they head back to base in another state, I will not make any contact whatsoever until my son calls me. Basically, that's what I've been doing for several months now, but somehow she has managed to feel that I am verbally abusive and that I 'harrass' her to see my grand-daughter, which seems very odd to me since we've barely spoken. I am really a very fun person to be around, and I have alot of friends and family, but my DIL says she is uncomfortable around me, which I also don't understand.

This is now 'week 3' and I have yet to hear from her to schedule a visit with my grand-daughter. If my son comes to town for the party, she will either fill his head with lies which will make him yell at me and ban me from the party, or he will make her bring his daughter over for a visit, which will probably make her mad at me. I am literally on pins and needles waiting for the outcome...

Gma32
I think you should go to the party, be dignified and not lower yourself to DIL's level. It sounds as if the only person you will hurt by not attending, is you.
Good luck!

Nods head, Maniac

A very wise woman once suggested to me that :-

To say 'I think X is a horrible person' is very different from saying ' X is a horrible person'
To say 'I am angry' is very different from saying 'You make me angry'

I have found that accepting my anger without blaming the other person is much more healing. Does that make sense?

Oh Maureen!

The daughter-in-law being a horrible person certainly resonated with me Grma32. My ex DIL is an extremely horrible person, vindictive, spiteful and uses her children as weapons which has affected her daughter especially. I, also, kept my head held high, never challenged her over the way she treated my son and kept, still keeps, the children from him.

In fact when they broke up I offered to have the children to give her some space as she was so angry. She spat venom down the phone screaming 'I would NEVER ask you to look after my children' and slammed the phone down. Funny, I used to look after the little boy for her when she worked for a few months. She is still the same.

I would go to the party, are you on your own Grma32, is their someone you could go with for 'back up' and support. She will certainly use it against you if you decline to go. Hold you head up and go. You are the better person here.

Agreed, and not just mothers Greatnan.

I would forgive my daughter and her children all the hurt and injustice they have caused me, as long as I could be part of their lives. That is what mothers do, jingle.

My God Maureen. Have you no self respect? I don't think I could grit my teeth and keep smiling in the face of someone being really horrible to me.