My daughter-in-law is a horrible person

Oh dear - was I that forceful Nelliemoser! I just know of too many examples of M in L who have been critical and then cut out of their offsprings life. My husband's aunty is a good example. She now will only see her only son without his wife and hence sees him once a year. She has set herself up for a lonely old age and I know that no-one would have been good enough for her. The opening poster obviously has a difficult D in L, but she just has to grit her teeth and keep smiling me thinks!

Goodness me! Maureenm That's telling her!

'My D in L is a horrible person' doesn't sound very Christian to me. You need to be th best possible M in L and granny you can and keep 'turning the other cheek.' My son and his family could function very well without me and I make sure I am someone who they want to include in their lives. I never voice any opinion on my D in L, especially to my son who loves her and wouldn't want to hear anything that isn't positive anyway. The party is for your grandaughter and you should be happy to be part of her special day.

So sorry I haven't logged on in several days. I will try and address everyone's comments as best I can. No, I did not respond to her long, hostile email, but I'm considering taking some advice on here and telling DIL that I'm sorry that she sees me that way, but I certainly didn't mean any harshness on my part. I'll word it nicely...IF I decide to respond. I'm still nervous about it, because no matter how nice I have been in the past, she still labels me as condescending and sarcastic. I honestly don't want to give her ANY ammo to run to my son with, because he threatened to "cut me off" the last time that his wife tearfully accused me of mis-treated her (which was not true, by the way). I ended up sending him a string of email communications between she and I to show him that I had done nothing wrong.

As for those of you who had a problem with the title of my post, I am extremely hurt by my DIL, and this has been going on for over 2 years, so there was alot of pain involved in my title. She is nice to me in person, but then sends me emails like she does that just rips my heart out. Would you not consider that to be a horrible person? I have never in my life had ANYone treat me like this and be so nasty to me. She has absolutely no respect for me, and I have done nothing to deserve this. The only thing that has kept me from responding to her email is I keep telling myself that she has mental issues (my son said she is bi-polar) and at some point she will come around. I have a grown daughter who is bi-polar, and we had many difficult years with her and her behavior was very similar. I was always the brunt of her 'explosions', which was very difficult for me.

And just so you know, it has now been TWO WEEKS since she came to town, and I have yet to hear from her to schedule a visit with my grand-daughter. I am beginning to think that if it was up to her, she wouldn't contact me at all. After all, my son is in the field on maneuvers, so he doesn't know anything that's going on. And I don't plan on running to him and reporting things when he's back, either. I guess if my husband and I aren't invited to her birthday party, then I will mail her gifts or contact his wife to take them when she leaves to drive back home.

I am absolutely heartbroken over this, because when they lived here, his wife actually scheduled one day a week for us to come and get my grand-daughter and spend time with her. I don't know what has changed and why all of a sudden we are the last people on the list of who gets to see her. It just baffles me.

I agree with Wine .. keep future emails short, neutral or if possible add a touch of humour.
But first you do have to respond to the long vitriolic one.
Perhaps saying you are truly sorry if she sees you that way, it wasn't meant and you have great respect for her as a wife and mother. Keep it short but kind if you want to build bridges for the sake of your son and grandchild.

granjura i agree that it is wise not to discuss difficult family issues online. A while back I mentioned to a friend that I was using gransnet. I said it was a good way to share concerns anonymously and said that someone on here had had a difficult time (no names) and lived in the same county as us. My friend said that she knew who that was as she lived in the same village and that the gran had indeed had a difficult time. There wasn't anything very sinister about it and we didn't "gossip" about it - just expressed sympathy for the situation . However it just made me wary about talking about family issues on this (or any forum) which is a shame as I can see how good it is to share these things.

Must say, I would never ever discuss personal/family relationships on an open Forum - it is such a small world out there and putting 2 and 2 together is quite easy in some cases. I'd urge for caution.

(saying this as someone on another Forum did exactly that, and traced back to the town I used to live to make enquiries about me... and then threatened my family. Be very careful).

Why should any atheist care what a Christian thinks or feels about their lack of belief? Unless, of course, they feel they are being 'judged' as the DIL appears to feel. Possibly the reverse is true and some Christians feel threatened by the atheists' lack of belief?
I wonder if the OP has ever tried to talk to the gc about her religious views? In which case, I am with the DIL as I would be furious if anybody had to tried to impose their own views on my children. I think a couple of phrases are very telling - the DIL is tired of being judged and the OP has never 'thrown religion in her face'. How could she? Surely, it is a personal choice of whether to believe or not.
I am afraid the OP does not come across very well, but perhaps she just worded her post injudiciously. Certainly the title of the thread does not incline me to be sympathetic.

Suggest stop long emails your tone could be mis interpreted. Keep to simple things like hello how are things going today ? Never speak ill of her to your son because he must support her before you. You speak of we, so do u have a partner , and how is she with them? Sometimes no matter how hard it is u have to be the one to stand back and be kind . Do you have a favourite short prayer , say this before u speak I find this can give u strength . Grandchildren grow up very quickly and before u know it she will be asking to visit. Just keep going in the background .xxx

Agree re title of the post..maybe DiL does some things that can be deemed 'horrible' but if she is genuinely ill then even her 'horrible' behaviour could be out of character. Grma32 why would your faith be a problem for your DiL? My younger brother and his wife are very involved in a Christian church, he is a lay preacher and he knows I am a humanist. We know each others 'faith' position but our relationship is more important to us than rows over religious opinion so we 'live and let live' and remain loving bro and sis who can meet up, have fun and enjoy each others company!

Depends where your priorities lie.

I agreee with anno you should not feel threatened by Christians, if you do they are defentley not acting Christian

I see no reason to feel threatened by Christians. I used to be one and now feel perfectly secure in my Humanist skin.
I too felt quite upset by the title of the thread. 'Horrible' is such a horrible word.

I thought so too j08. I was shocked when I saw the title of this post.

I have never felt threatened by christians, Moved. I don't know of any atheists who do, although obviously I only know a few. What is this assertion based on? Live and let live as far as I am concerned.

I don't believe we know the whole background to this, not by a long way.

The thread title says a lot about the original poster IMO.

Movedalot I'm sorry but I don't know of any atheists that feel threatened by Christians - bored with them banging on - but not threatened. One of my least favourite phrases is 'as a Christian I would never do so and so' implying the rest of us would.
However, there are always two sides to a story and we don't know the DIL's side - it may be nothing to do with religion but something else. So to paraphrase a 'book' 'Let us not judge lest ye be judged' - despite my views I know my bible.

I think a lot of GNs have similar problems and all feel they are not to blame so perhaps some DiLs do feel intimidated by the woman who has been special for so long in their husband's life. I know that quite a lot of atheists seem to feel very threatened by Christians as if they feel their own lack of belief is being critiscised which, of course, no true Christian would ever do.

I would avoid confrontation at all costs and if expected to apologise for something you feel you did not do, apologise. You can do it in a way that does not compromise you.

I would suggest that you ask your son about the party and what you should buy as a present. I don't think you should put yourself in a situation where she has the opportunity to tell you not to go.

Good luck

It does sound like a jealousy problem but have you thought your DIL may be feeling daunted with the responsibility of being a lone parent at the moment I know that you son is away with his work and how lonely partners can get as both my boys are Military,has she been medically dianosed as bi-polar or is she just showing the signs she could be depressed and when young mums feel that way they will gravitate to their own mum's.Keep the dialogue open and friendly to both your DIL and your DS and try not to critisize to your boy as he has enough to deal with at present. Best of luck & ((hugs))

Sound a tricky situation for you. If your DiL is really suffering from bi-polar disorder then she does need help to manage the condition. It can be hugely debilitating for the sufferer and demanding on the family.

I echo the advice already offered. Ignore the nastiness, try to be aware of how you may be unintentionally expressing your faith views and go to the birthday party and enjoy the company of your DGD. Always better to keep the door open no matter how much you feel like slamming it shut! Once closed it is harder to re-open. good luck.

Go to your GD's birthday party, otherwise you will appear to be the one who is being difficult. Also if you miss her first birthday you might not get invited again. If you see her being spiteful on Facebook ignore it, in fact ignore all nastiness and try not report her comments to your son.

You say you are a devout Christian, sometimes those who are devout bring up God or Jesus in many of conversations without particularly discussing religion. You may not realise you are doing it but it can irritating for those who have no Christian beliefs.

Your DIL does sound quite odd, unfortunately you will have to tread carefully if want to be able to spend time with your granddaughter. Best wishes.

I don't think different religious views are the problem, as you say you would not try to influence her in that way. It sounds like classic fear/jealousy/feelings of inadequacy on the part of your DIL. Trying to build a bridge through her parents seems a good suggestion and of course, never criticising her to your son. Best wishes and good luck.

Thanks so much everyone! I'm glad I found you all!

Awful story I agree with everyone. I think trying to contact her parents is a good idea and explaining how you feel without running down their daughter...takes some tact, so think it through before you put anything into words, particularly written words!!!!

In my experience the relationship DIL to MIL on son's side can be very difficult. But if she really feels threatened by you {despite you trying hard} you just have to have a relationship with GD and not have too much to do with her. Surely she can not begrudge you that!

Your son will have to be the go between. Do not criticise her to you son and try to be positive {through gritted teeth} and keep religion out of any conversation. Good luck and DO NOT give up. Mx

Agree with Specki all the way. If you don't go you'll still be in the wrong but not there to show how nice you are. She could still be a bit up in the air emmotionally, after all your DGD is only a year old and having babies plays havoc with the hormones - especially without the backup of a husband who vanishes off on manoeuvres. Just go and be yourself - and smile a lot!

(I had a problem with my MiL when I had my first DD. She seemed to be good at everything, the perfect wife and mother. And she was so nice too. I felt really inadequate. It took a while, but with her patience and calm we ended up the best of friends.)

Good luck.

Thanks, specki4eyes! I may just do it!