My daughter-in-law is a horrible person

Hey Grma32 - don't get me on the subject of daughters in law - i've got two - the one is only marginally worse than the other! Its jealousy - for some reason she wants to make sure she is ahead of you in the pecking order - not necessary at all I know but there are young women like that..its a control thing. You go to the birthday party, see your granddaughter and your son and be ultra pleasant, polite and sweet natured. You have the right to be there!

Oh, and gillibob, she told me she was going to keep her visit a secret, but decided not to after talking to my son. He told her I would be mature and understand (supposedly). Now she is saying I am harassing her, which is what she didn't want! I don't believe I am harassing her, but I guess in her confused mind I am.

She sounds a bit like my DS's partner. She can seem all sweetness and light but I am not entirely convinced by that image.

Good suggestions for the rest of you who responded, and thank you so much. I will answer Lilygran about the DIL parents. I met them awhile ago and saw them a few times when I visited my GD in their home. DIL has convinced them that I am a terrible person, because they haven't acted as nice to me as they first did. The father is a buddhist, and I'm not sure but I think mother is Christian.

I see pictures and video on Facebook, so I keep up with my GD that way. I have looked forward to her birthday party for months now, ever since I spent time with her in December. When I found out they were already in town, I was excited that I would get to see her sooner, but now my DIL has taken the wind right out of my sail.

I just don't want my son to be mad if we aren't there for the birthday party, but I know his wife doesn't want us there, so I'm conflicted.

Enviousamerican, she does not act up in front of my son. She puts on a happy face and is actually nice to be around. That's the part that's difficult for me to understand, because we just visited them in December and she seemed fine the entire time. I think my son does see that she needs mental health help, but he just wants to keep the peace at home, so if that means no contact with his mom, then so be it.

What is your relationship with her parents like? Could you invite the whole lot to visit you, with your granddaughter as your son will only be there for a short time? I'm very sorry to hear your story Grma, it must be dreadful not to be able to see your little granddaughter on her birthday.

Grma32 Oh that is a dreadful situation. I can imagine how distressed I would feel if I was prevented from seeing my little DGS. (((hugs)))

Oh Grma32 what a sad state of affairs. I feel very sorry for you not being able to spend time with your grandaughter. I think your DIL sounds to be extremely insecure and is clearly trying to break up the fragile relationship you do have with your son and his child. From what you say it doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong at all you are just a grandma who wants to see her grandchild and your DIL is being a control freak by denying you and her daughter that precious time together. To email you saying that she would be close to you and then forbid you a visit is just plain cruel and she was probably hoping for some kind of excuse to have an argument or else why not keep the visit secret?

I am not sure how I would handle this except to say you are going to have to try and keep some kind of dialogue going with DIL . Perhaps say that you will wait for an invitation to visit her and GD but in the mean time you would love it if she would keep you up to date with your GD's progress and send regular pictures (praising her for how lovely your GD is along the way). Good luck and stay strong.

I wouldn't let her keep me away.You want to see your son also. Does she act up in front of your son?Hopefully she is not so self centered she would ruin the party! If she does she needs mental health help and your son should see this.Best to let him know you are there for him.