My son's wedding

You have to go to the arrangements here!! Lady you go support your son and his new wife.Hold your head high and be the most dignified person you could ever be.When your son marries you then come second to his wife. But you will always be his Mom that's always the best! You don't have to stay around for the whole thing. Take a friend with you and just keep thinking of your Son and his new wife. It's their special time and they need you. Please think very carefully before you make a decision.

I upset absentdaughter quite a lot when she married in New Zealand for the second time because I refused to attend the wedding. She was unable to understand why I felt that I _couldn't – be there. I just felt that spending a couple of weeks in a small village with my ex would be unbearable – not that our divorce was acrimonious or very recent. Whenever I encountered him – we still lived near each other in London – immediately I found myself on the defensive about my life, my home, my work, my present husband and the way I behaved.

I think your attending the wedding, including the pre-wedding dinner, is very gracious and I hope that you enjoy the happy occasion. I can see no reason why you should be expected to attend a gathering of your ex-husband's family who want to celebrate your son's wedding in England because they are not attend the "real" event in the USA. The term reception seems a little OTT however. The wedding is the main event and it is not reasonable for your son to expect you to attend this second social occasion at which you will probably feel uncomfortable.

I have since "trained" myself to behave normally with my ex – a good thing as he emigrated to New Zealand last year and I shall be emigrating there in a couple of weeks. My daughter now recognises my reservations and difficulties about attending her wedding and doesn't hold my refusal against me.

I went through a very similar situation at my daughters wedding last year, and was really worried about seeing my ex again after 7 years as he was highly controlling and I knew my default position would be to feel inadequate and want to go hide somewhere.

The first meet was the church rehearsal the afternoon before the wedding, and typically he walked straight up to me and put a possessive hand on my arm, when he said hello!!

You know ... it was OK. I managed a very frozen "good afternoon" in response, and what the bridesmaids described as a very withering look at the offending hand! The main thing was that the worst was over. We had met again.

From that point forward, I ignored him!! .....and had a wonderful day. You really will be so busy with people wanting to talk to you (in America or not, you are the mother of the groom and people will be flocking to meet you). My darling daughter had arranged seating so that I was not even directly looking at my ex, let alone sitting next to him (benefit of a round top table!). I am sure your son and his bride to be would be very understanding if you tell them you are fine with it all (thats important!! - they don't need your angst right now) but is there any possibility of not sitting next to each other. Its worth asking. As you will be the only UK attendees, could you ask your future d-i-l if she might task a willing relative or two to introduce you around, as you won't know people and the couple will be busy??

Honestly, on the day, I think it will be far easier than you think to stay out of his space.....and thats all you have to do in order to have a great time. The key is in believing that you are OK. That divorce means you have taken away his power to upset your life.....and that means at this wedding, more than any other time. Truly, ex's only have the emotional power that we choose to still give them. Don't let the oast spoil this wonderful day.
x
P.S. ....and I would go to the UK celebration. You were obviously married for a long time and I am sure were regarded very fondly by many of ex's family. At this kind of event, they have an excuse to enjoy seeing you without anyone saying they are being disloyal to your ex. The same rules of just avoiding his space apply. And you can always leave early. I think you will regret not going for a long long time, if you miss it. And more importantly, your son and d-i-l will remember that you weren't there for them.

Just had a further thought, after re-reading.
Your ex has arranged the UK reception, but I assume that your son has no issues with people on either side of the family ......so could he ask his father (very nicely) if family he likes from your side have also been invited to the UK event, and if not ....whether those invites could be issued now as this will be their one and only UK based "do".??

That would seem to me to be a reasonable request from the newly weds, for their UK celebration, and much better made by the kids than by you.
x

Make the most of it! Enjoy your grandchildren all over again. Why miss that! Have a lovely time.

I would go to the English reception, even though it might be quite difficult. I remember having to brave my ex MIL who hated me, at several events. I invariably felt sick and scared in advance, but braved it out for DS's sake. I have always been glad that I put up with a few hours of discomfort in exchange for the close loving bond I have with DS now, and kowing that I was always there for him when he needed me.

Interestingly it is now my ex who won't attend family events because he knows I will be there. It has badly affected his relationship with DS and although they are still in touch, things are vey cool between them.

Thank you for all your comments. They are very much appreciated. Some great advice. I have decided to go to the English reception. I have said yes so now I have to go. Really, though, the advice has been marvellous, lots of thought put into them. And different perspectives.

Bookdreamer I have been in a similar situation so can empathise. You must attend the English reception and take a friend/ family member if you can. Get an outfit you feel great in. I know you said money is tight so try dress agencies or E Bay or maybe borrow from a friend. Hold your head up and sail in ( a few drops of rescue remedy might help!). You said in another post that ex-dh is flashing the cash so enjoy eating & drinking at his expense! I know from experience that the new wife/ partner will be like a cat on a hot tin roof while you are around so it will make her feel uncomfortable (shame!) and you may find , as I did, that his family are actually pleased to see you. Have a great time