My son's wedding

Thanks cathy. It is a happy time that he's getting married and I don't want to spoil things. Will think about it a bit more.

I very much appreciate that you wish to spend as little time with your x as possible, however I think this should be about your sons big day and continued celebrations and not about your own marriage

I do not wish to sound harsh at all and as said completely understandable how you are feeling but I think you may regret it if you refuse to attend any celebrations but it will too late

Its a happy time your son is getting married!!

You could see how things go at the wedding and make your decision later. No need to commit yourself fully yet.

I have to agree with @janeainsworth's thought that you say yes for now. This will stop any pressure for you and ease your son's possible nerves and worries over his coming wedding. After the wedding things will be calmer and then you can rethink

Thanks for your thoughts. Zengran yes he has on Skype yesterday. He wanted to know why I wasn't going to the English reception. I said I didn't want to spend any time with my ex's relatives. I don't have anything to do with them. They stopped being in contact after the divorce. When this was first mentioned my son said he understood why I wasn't going but yesterday he seemed a bit indignant about it, if that's the right word.

My son and I are very close, and I know he loves me. This must be awful for him. I'm just trying to make things as easy as I can but I just think this English reception is beyond my limits

Difficult one Bookdreamer.
I too have son and DiL in America (their wedding was there too) and I feel I don't want to miss any opportunity to see them. But I can understand that the presence of ex and his family might seem too much to bear.
If you don't go to the reception in England, it might spoil things for your DS and DiL and in the future they may always feel 'Well we cant ask Mum because Dad will be there' and vice versa. There will be other family occasions, birth (hopefully) of DGCs etc.
On the other hand if you do go, you will come across as brave, caring and generous, and you will feel confident and strong
Why not take a rain-check? Say yes for now, and then if you feel really uncomfortable at the wedding, make up some reason for not going to the British reception, or just tell the truth.
I hope you enjoy the wedding.
Americans don't wear hats, so if you wear one, or a fascinator, you will wow everyone

I think that as you are going to the actual wedding in America and being part of your son's big day that is all you need to do. If his dad chooses to give a reception here, that is up to him. Maybe your son just wants you to be part of everything because he loves you. Has he actually said anything about it?

(Just my thoughts! )

I can see it from both sides bookdreamer I would feel as you do that enough is enough and if its only going to be your ex's family then I can see how you will be feeling. Also can see that your son probably wants you to share in the day with him and his wife... only you can decide if you can tolerate/endure a whole event with your ex's family, I guess it depends on how well you still get on with any of them and that you'll have someone other than son and wife to sit/spend time with..
Thats not much help , if it were me I'd find it very hard , maybe you could arrange a small gathering of your family and share a meal out with them and you son and wife..