Bonnie ...... I wonder if there has actually been a change in his behaviour or if it is that your mother is no longer there to act as the buffer and/or gently keep him on the acceptable side of 'difficult'?
I ask because I have first hand experience of how dramatically relationships can deteriorate when the main 'buffer' is removed from the equation. My daughters were stunned by their fathers' reactions and attitudes once I divorced and could no longer shield them. They had grown up and become young women without ever really realising how much of their fathers' difficult behaviour was filtered/covered up or smoothed over by me. To this day they find it hard to understand that he was always distant, uninvolved, uninterested etc etc so I guess I really did do a good job.
If your mother was just as good at buffering, then it makes sense that he doesn't understand that you have a problem now ....because from his standpoint, he hasn't changed.
This is is not an excuse for him (I certainly don't excuse my ex) but it may help you to handle things if you understand why its happening?
Fixing it? .... well, you could try taking over the buffering role to shield your own daughter. Certainly I would let her stay home when you go to visit. As for changing his behaviour ......I think you have even less chance with a 90 yr old than my daughters had with changing their 60 yr old father, .........so far they haven't altered his behaviour by a whisker.
I would offer the same suggestion here that I have made to my girls ....learn to manage your expectations, and develop an emotional buffer of your own , to the behaviours, because the chances of altering it are remote.
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