Death of a partner

My sincere condolences grannygrunt

grannygrunt I have not lost a spouse but 20 years ago I lost a sister when she was killed in a road accident. Not comparable by any means, but I can remember the awful physical pain of the early days of loss. I can remember feeling unbalanced. There had been three sisters, now there were two. I described it as feeling like a three legged stool that had lost a leg. Irrationally I wanted the pain never to decrease because somehow to reach a stage where I accepted her loss seemed a betrayal of all she meant to me.

How does one get through those first awful days and weeks? I do not know even now, grim determination, a mind anesthetised by pain. Finding time to be alone and weep uncontrollably without being comforted until you can cry no more and sleep. Keep eating, keep drinking (I am not referring to alcohol), even if you do not want to, keep the mechanics of life going. Take all the support that is offered you.

When the funeral is over, keep busy and keep up contact with people. One of my closest friends is also going through what you are going through. Her husband died in March after a short illness. He was 70. What she seems to be doing is avoiding giving herself too much time to sit in the house and think. She tries to get out every day, see friends and family several times a week. Keeps busy at home with the usual household tasks, hers and his.

Nothing can alleviate the pain you feel at present, but gradually, very gradually you will absorb your loss into your new different life without the one you love. meanwhile, like everyone else I send my sympathy. You will survive.

I am glad Grannygrunt the poem was appreciated.

I gave it to a friend recently whose husband had also sadly died, she showed it to her daughter who is a GP and she now regularly gives it to patients who are beside themselves with grief.

Such simple words but so powerful - you and your DH loved each other and you still do.

What an awful time for you Grannyg, I am so sorry. You ask what to do but you are already doing it. For a start you were together enough to post on here, something you say you hadn't done before. You are able to feel a whole range of emotions (& can control them if needed) in spite of the experience that could have left you in so much shock that feelings could have been numbed completely. You are able to recall all the happy memories rather than just being consumed by your last one of his death. You recognize the lovely support around you & you are able to draw comfort from what other people say & offer. So just note what helps & what doesn't & do more of the first & less of the second, & come back for more ideas here if you need them. It sounds to me as if your grief is flowing & your healing has begun, though no one will pretend there's not a hard journey ahead full of ups & downs. And always remember, who did he choose to die alongside - the person he loved & trusted. I hope that in itself can soften the shock of your experience that morning. Many people can't forgive themselves if they weren't present at the death of a loved one, even though they may have just popped out of the room for a moment. You are clearly a resourceful woman of great courage.

My heart goes out to you

Thank you all so much for your words of comfort.
I had a bad evening yesterday and cried for much of the night with my dear husbands photo clutched to my chest.
It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I will never see him or hear his voice ever again.
I have felt extremely angry today and i think if anyone had said the wrong thing I might just have punched them!
Knowing that I am not alone and there are so many of you that care is a real comfort though and I know I must take one day at a time. Thanks again everyone.

Hi NANKATE,
What lovely words. Thank you so much.

So sorry

So sorry grannygrunt

You have my sympathies and understanding too, Grannygrunt. My husband died a few years ago, he just managed to reach his 60th birthday. I'm sure your family will support you and you will get used to it as time goes on.

Grannygrunt, my sympathy. I've lost both my husband and daughter in the last three years, and Galen is right - you do survive, and although life won't ever be the same it does get easier. There's little you can do other than lean on people if you need to, allow yourself to grieve, and take each day as it comes. Bereavement counselling might help at some point.

I can only join with what everyone else has said Grannygrunt, with tears in my eyes for you. Happy memories will, I hope comfort you on occasions.

Condolences from me. I've been through it and you will survive. It's not easy at first but things do get easier.

So sorry about your husband's death, Grannygrunt. Such a shock.
Your married life must be full of happy memories - God bless.

So sorry to read your post grannygrunt. Sadly there is nothing I can say at this time which would be of help. Along with others I offer love, my thoughts and a hand of friendshp. Please keep talking to us

So sorry for your loss Grannygrunt and what an awful shock for you as it happened at home. But as Soutra says it was better for your DH to die in his sleep at home and with you.We will all have to face the loss of our DH's at some point [or die ourselves] and it always seemed a long way off, but now we are getting older and it has to be faced.Glad that you have your children and friends around to be there for you.Try and post something on here every day, as there are lots of G'netters who have gone through this already and will support you.

So many kind and supportive posts for you Grannygrunt. I hope they ease the pain a little. What other words can be said? Perhaps just the Irish phrase offered to the bereaved - "I'm sorry for your loss". We all are.

Grannygrunt, there is little we can say which will make you feel better, but please remember we're here for you at any time (during the night sometimes, too). You've been very brave to post as you have done. I hope it's helped you a bit. x

Grannygrunt so sorry to hear your news please keep posting.

I'm sorry to hear your news too Grannygrunt

So sorry to read your sad news Grannygrunt.

I'm so sorry Grannygrunt

Grannygrunt I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Your family must be a great comfort for you, having lost your soulmate. Let them look after you for a while. Take care x

How very sad for you Grannygrunt

I hope these words from 'Winnie the Pooh' are of some comfort to you.

If ever there is a tomorrow when we are not together.
There is something you must always remember
You are braver than you believe
Stronger than you seem
And smarter than you think.
Even if we are apart, I will always be with you.

A. A. Milne.