Where do we go from here re DD3 and the Idiot!

It sounds as if he has previous - what is his relationship with his first wife and other children? If he has a good relationship with his older children then perhaps your DD and he can talk and progress to a situation where he sees their children regularly (worked out for the benefit of the children). They may be very young but will still be aware of tensions so he has to think of their welfare not just what he wants to happen.

Yes, call a family meeting. You are involved anyway, so if he says that you are interfering ask him how you can have them in your house regularly for part of the week without being affected by the situation. You are picking up the pieces, so you would like to be in on the discussion. Add that you want to know what is going on, so that YOU can make YOUR plans, and not exist solely to sort out the mess that he has made.

Try to keep the discussion away from recriminations and concentrate on practical things. He probably knows your opinion of him by now, and as he has come clean about not loving your daughter any more, that is out in the open too.

Find out just what he means by "for the children" If he means for the benefit of the children, then he needs to come up with some solid plans of how he will achieve that, and stick to them. If he means for his benefit, so that he can enjoy the company of his children when he is in the mood, then he would be better off moving out and seeing them at regular previously agreed times.

I have a suspicion that professional help is going to be necessary to pin down this bloke to facing up to responsibility and considering other people as well as himself.

If he says he doesn't love her any more then I doubt things will improve.

She deserves someone who does love her and eventually may find someone who does; however, she needs to get herself better for her own sake and for the children before any thoughts of that. He is not helping, in fact he is making it all a lot worse. She is probably staying because it is the lesser of the two evils - the thought of being on her own with two little ones is scary, but she has your love and support, kitty.

And you do need to talk directly, not through a third party, because you are being involved anyway.

It is so distressing to see your DC hurting and to feel helpless. kitty

Oh kitty I do feel for you.

My instincts would be to say "Enough". If you are looking after the fall-out - literally and figuratively - from this man's behaviour, he needs to have a conversation with you. I know you have said daughter doesn't discuss it, but it needs to be outed now. Full and frank family discussion needed! Otherwise it's nothing but a whole lot of pretense.

Easier said than done, I know, but you can't carry on with this charade.