How do I cope with this

I came on this site asking for help and advice and for support not a damming attack blaming me god it all.attack. Thank you Mikey. Your aggression has been hurtful and not in any way at all helpful.

For it all

Her anger wasn't surprising at all. Mikey's post was ambiguous, and could have meant what Kate and I thought. Good for Mikey to have made it more clear.

I think he had read Tcherry's original post, which did rather complain about her other half being around all the time, and everything he did annoying her.

I'm finding it interesting that kate is not putting up with any comments she doesn't like on the thread but is answering back sharply. Have you tried that with your husband, kate? If so, did it aggravate the situation or shut him up? If not, perhaps you could give it a go.

I guess I was venting my anger at DH through the site,- I needed to let off steam, but it shook me up reading Mikey's comments,as they were not what I was able to cope with at the time. Also I did not expect to share my thoughts with a man - I thought this was gransnet not grandadsnet - so reacted badly to what I read as pompous comments Apologies to all.

angry because its a man,,kinda understandable.but with that level of hostility.she wants to hear what she wants to hear,,and only that.call it support or anything else ..when people disclose relationship status to others ya know your in trouble,and most of the time theres no way back from that,its prepairing to leave psychcologicaly,then actualy leaving,,and its a road ya got to go down,i did,,,many of my friends went through same thing,same way,,,,

You're allowed to be angry, kate, but it might be more useful to tell the bad-tempered bastard what he is.

And to go to hell with his verbal abuse.

Thanks thatbags you've made some good points. I should stand up to him more. The trouble is I get so overwhelmed by it all and start to do and say (babble) stupid things because my head can't cope with the verbal backlash. Going to the doc's tomorrow to discuss with her. It's been good getting it all off my chest and things are getting clearer in my head. I think maybe I wasn't in the right state of mind a couple of days ago to hear home truths and I reacted badly. Apologies for that . I'll look to getting some strategies to cope. Fortunately I have lovely children and grandchildren and a happy life except when the black mist comes down courtesy of DH. I've got to get a grip I know. Thanks to all the lovely grans who've been supportive

Kate13 Before you go to the doctor, write down everything you can - how things are between you, how long it has been like that, how you react, how he reacts to you when you respond. When you are sitting in the surgery, you can easily end up "just babbling" if you haven't planned what to say.

Do another version to prime you for how you reply to your husband - you could possibly write it and hand it to him, though that may or may not be the best way to go - but if you have gone over it in your mind beforehand and put it on paper it does become clearer to you just what needs to be said, and what is what doesn't.

Try not to act as though you are a helpless victim who is afraid of him. Your line needs to be that you are the one in the right and he is out of line to bully and abuse, and you are strong and will not stand for it.

I agree that writing things down helps so much. If it was me, I'd tell h exactly what a bully he is. I'd use my list in my hand and not get distracted into babbling, just use the list. And if h gets angry, so what, he's already a miserable Xxxxxxx anyway. Keeping to the point, with no tears, might just set him on the back foot, even if momentarily.

You would have the satisfaction of having stood up to him.

A saying.......if you keep on doing the same thing...you keep getting the same result.
So, what about a change of tack. Speak up, strong voice, no tears and no babbling. If you get upset hold it in until you are on your own, don't let him see any weakness. And then come on here and vent .
No more victim.
You can do this.
It can hardly get worse than it is.

Kate13 are you worried he will hit you?

Definitely write down what you want to tell the doctor because once you start talking you might become overwhelmed and get upset. If you have written things down, you can give the list to the doctor to read.

Don't be surprised if you are offered antidepressants and/or referred for counselling or therapy services. The tablets could give you a boost at what could become a difficult time for you at home (of course, it's up to you whether you accept medication or not, but try to ignore old perceptions). Counsellors/therapists will be able to provide you with a tool bag of coping strategies and help you sort through your feelings. Your doctor can't do this, so expect a referral.

I am not sure what happens when you are looking for support for someone else who could be I'll, but hopefully you can talk through your situation and find a way forward. You might think you are seeing your doctor about your husband's health, but it is you who needs support, so please be open to what your doctor says.

I'll = ill

I don't quite understand, as in your original statement you say "when I come home I just want some alone time but obviously he is there all the time!". When you were both working did you not spend the same amount of time together (assuming you both came home around the same time)? How many hours do you have together exactly - 4 hours an evening ? 6 - 10? He has probably made your dinner for you, done the house work ? Sounds a bit like the cliche of a bored housewife to me - that is He being the bored housewife. I think you are very lucky to have a husband who still likes to be with you and pay attention to you and not someone else.
Yes of course we all need some time to ourselves, I totally agree, just think though, Would you rather come home to an empty house?

DADDYBEAR the latest posts are addressed to kate13 who recently asked for advice and has been retired for 8 years. The original post is from last year.

No wilma I don't think he would ever be physically violent. It's the harshness and tone of his words which send me whirling. And the not knowing when his mood will change. It's like treading on egg shells and very stressful. At the moment all is calm again but how long this will last is anybody's guess.

Hope you didn't mind me asking.

No wilma didn't mind you asking. He's a gentle guy with a low tolerance level. When he's tired or unwell or irritated with me he flares up,but it's all verbal. Went to the doc's today and had a chat. Helpful and will take her advice. Thank grans for letting me shout and rant. Feel better for it

Glad to hear it, kate. Keep chatting or ranting if and when you want to and good luck with the doc's advice

Glad you have taken some positive action Kate. Hope the advice is useful and relieves the situation. Again I think you need to start a new post if you want to vent. Some of the inappropriate posts you are getting are in response to the OP which is a different situation.

There are grandads on here too and often they have useful insight into situations as well, perhaps with a different slant.

There is NO excuse whatever for verbal abuse, though, from either a man or a woman. And that is what you have been getting from your OH. Any man should recognise that and support you.

I agree with many of the posters responding to you. Do not play the victim. Bullies love victims!

My wife says I am starting to annoy her at times the way I go on more. Yet she still wants to retire in April. Not been very successful have I. now I have retired.

How do you go about starting a new post?

Click on the 'active' button and you will see a box saying 'start a new discussion'. Post under one of the headings as appropriate.

I think......

DerekY Do you want to give us more information so that we can get a man's point of view? You sound a bit sad

Yes,I will start up a new post if I want to shout and scream judthepud . After listening to you all (well most of you) I feel much better in myself and the doc was very helpful. No tears today, the sun was shining and,yes, DH was civil. Perhaps my body language changed?
The doc said my husband sounded very unhappy and this has given me food for thought . Perhaps I should do something to change that, then maybe the anger in him will die down. A lot to think about .
Think I'll have a . Cheers

My husband retired 15years ago and I was still working , at first I resented the time he had in the house alone, and I wanted to be able to have free time on my day off, I couldn't as he was always there,, he would look in the food cupboards and tell me I had too many packs of cereals/too many jars of jam when there were only two of us, he still does it , but I just shrug and say How Many, wow that's really naughty of me, and I just walk away!!no point in arguing , we have to live together, But , I am lucky as we haven't downsized yet , I have a sewing room up in the attic bedroom where I am cosy with a fire on ,my radio on Classic Fm or Smooth, and I go up there to escape , and I make something,
I come down a couple of hours later, if the weather is good DH will have pottered in the garden or tidy his sheds , yes he has two, I made sure of that!!
We have been married for 49years, he is 83 I am a lot younger, and I treasure the time we have left together, it's all about compromise, I can escape to my daughters house for the day if I feel I need space, then when we are in the same room at night at least we have something to chat about, we also have another sitting room where I go if there is football on the telly, , So I can't see us downsizing just yet, we need the space to escape each other now and then !!