How do I cope with this

Now there's a surprise - another OP who gives up on a conversation especially when asked to give a bit of background to her predicament

Never mind "Soutra* it may well be that she's taken some time out to consider her options.

No doubt she will be back AGAIN

Ooops! Sorry, shouty capitals, fat finger syndrome!

Ah Thanks Rose funny that advert stuck in my mind too
(you can not help but see the funny side of that advert)

Still here not knowing quite what to do and even if I did decide what I wanted to do, would I have the courage to see it through?

All I know is that I am un happy and have an immense feeling of being un settled and in a mess, a feeling that I have had for a very long time

tcherry when did this escalate from retired husband syndrome and wanting your own space after work to an immense feeling of unhappiness which you have had for a long time? Have we missed something here?

soutra perhaps as tcherry writes down her thoughts and feelings, so she is slowly coming to more conclusions ...? And maybe she has given away as much as she wants to at the moment ...

I think it is showing that putting down your thoughts on a subject, and exposing them all to the scrutiny of gransnetters, can be a very effective way of helping you to gather your thoughts and clear your mind. Talking it through without having to pay a therapist, for a start. Meander away, tcherry!

I would say, maybe you need a bit of time together away from your normal everyday life. Time to see if you still have anything left in common and still have any feelings left for each other. A normal fortnight's holiday is not sufficient.

When DBH breaks up, for the first week it's fine. For the second, we are getting on each other's nerves. By the third, we have settled into some sort of routine. He is no longer getting up at 6am and going to bed at 9pm and expecting me to do the same, I am no longer being irked by him rearranging the dishwasher for greater efficiency (I arrange and wash according to when I know I will have time to do it) and forgetting to put his washing out. Every year sees a renegotiation of household duties. It's all very good practice for when he eventually retires, but I do admit that when he does, I shall miss daft things like having cake for lunch, getting dressed late after having wandered around the garden in my pyjamas, and shall resent the amount of coffee and milk he will get through.

Most of the time we jog along just fine and mainly we enjoy each other's company. But today, on a very wet Bank Holiday, DH is driving me crackers. He started asking questions the minute I got up, has re-arranged my kitchen resulting me in mislaying things I was using for cooking, when I popped to the shops to buy something I found I needed he stood at the door asking exactly how long would I be. Anyone who witnessed me driving down the road chuntering and swearing away to myself would have thought I was mad.

However, all this is normal everyday 'disgruntles', and I don't think this is what you are meaning, tcherry. Saying that though, I am sure many of us will recognise what you are trying to say and perhaps some of us have walked away and others of us have worked through it and come out the other side with more recognition of each other's needs (and our own expectations).

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

tcherry is your OH happy with the status quo? He may be as confused as you but unless you take the time to find out nothing can change!

From personal experience I can say it is valuable to take the reins. You could tell him you are booking a weekend away / buying him membership of a hang-gliding club / got a 'couple' appointment at Relate; anything to move you both on from stalemate!

I have found this post a bit unsettling. Over the last few years I'v worried a bit about how I'd cope when I retired. I'd never even thought about how I'd cope when we'd both retired. We spend very little time together. Every evening and 2 weekends out of four. My husband is really easy going but I can be a bit of a nigley arse. I think retirement, like getting married, having your first baby is a giant step. Perhaps that's why the OP is feeling the way she does. I can well understand her not wanting to upset the children,even if they are grown up. When you've spent most of your adult life building a family it has to be hard to jeopardise that especially if the children have no idea that there's anything wrong. Because like it or not if she leaves, things will change and people will be hurt. There's a lot to take into account. It must be really scary. Take you time to think and weigh things up. Only you know if you still care for your husband. He's obviously struggling himself. I hope one way or the other things work out for both of you.

Yes it does take time to adjust to a different way of co-existing. DH &I are lucky in that whilst having retired from f/t employment we are still doing freelance work so are gradually getting used to seeing each other more often than we did when working f/t and the new time we have is 'fillable'. Whereas if you are out of the house approx 7-7 as we were then suddenly find yourself at home 24/7 it is a big, daunting space to fill!

If a couple have 'rubbed along' for a while with little or poor communication then the shock of seeing each other for longer & more often can be a difficult situation to adjust to. That is why I suggested articulating feelings /taking a pro-active stance etc. I would not advise rash decisions in terms of leaving the relationship but really do think it is important to tackle the feelings of unhappiness sooner rather than later!

I am just stuck because I do not want to leave my home that I feel very comfortable and safe in, he does not want to leave and just keeps hoping I am going to change my mind about wanting him to leave

It is not a nice place to be I just want my freedom/peace to breath and have quality of life.

He walks round the house like an old man even though he is just 55 years old, he could get some sort of work/part time but is just too lazy, he does have health problems but can still do Something!! but he does not want to he just wants to plod and sit and watch programmes all day, I can not live with someone that is so, well,l boring! and wants nothing from life

Yes he has always been lazy and I have always had trouble getting him to go to work, in the early days my Father had to employ him other wise he would have been happy to plod along without working.

I have put up with all that for a long time and now I just want out and as said some peace for myself.

But how, how do I make that happen[ sad]

Does he keep the house clean and tidy, does he cook, does he garden? If he does all that, I would say he is doing his bit. If not, I can understand your annoyance.

Are you going to change him now ? He is still relatively young and has a potential 10 or 12 years or more of working life if he could find something that interests him.
Is he depressed do you think?

He does cook but I would rather he go out to work

No, I am never going to change him now, I think he can feel depressed sometimes because he just sits in all of the time, his choice..

He could be ill with depression but sounds unlikely that he will be able to take himself to GP for advice or treatment.

If it is his house too I can see he would be as reluctant as you to leave it. If it is your house then you could ask him to go.

Do your kids have any inkling of how you both feel?

yes my children have had to live with the bad atmosphere for many years

I feel so mean when I come home from work and am snappy with him but I feel just so angry and frustrated

I feel like I know what has got to happen(him leaving) but it is going to be like pulling teeth and I just need to go through it

Go to your GP and explain your situation. Ask for counselling. Nothing will change unless someone takes some positive action such as seeking professional help.

I do not really want the sympathy of a Doctor, what can he do to change my situation, only I can do that but I really do not want to leave my home so I am stuck in this ruck of mess and despair

pens just seen your profile pics, wedding photo you like so happy, its a great photo

You will not be there for sympathy, tcherry but for practical help.

but what practical help can he give?

He can refer you to a counsellor who can talk you through the situation and make you think carefully about exactly what your feelings are and what you can do about your relationship.

He can refer you to Relate, who have a vast amount of experience of people in the same boat as yourself and your husband, and can guide you through your own and his attitudes and problems.

After that you should be in a better position to take positive action that will get you and your husband out of the rut that you have fallen into, whether you end up together or apart.

Doctors are not just for physical problems. If you don't want to go to a doctor, then act yourself to get an appointment at Relate.

Gransnet members can only do a little to advise you. If you are serious about wanting to change things, you need to clarify just what you want, what your husband wants, and how you can settle what to do so that both of you are content. It will not be easy, it needs to be worked at, and you need all the help you can get from people who are experts in the subject.

If you just want to talk about it on here and get the sympathy of Gransnet members, without taking any steps to make any changes, that is your choiuce, but don't be surprised if you don't get a lot more advice and discussion on here.

elegran your post was opening my eyes to a world that I did not know existed, to me a doctor is for physical health and not there to solve your problems for you--this is what I thought and so i am very grateful to you for that insight and making me aware all of the help a Doctor would be able to offer.

The last part of your post was upsetting though, because it felt a bit harsh, a bit like you were saying ..we have run out of patience with you now....