How do I cope with this

PS when ever I have tried getting help in the past, I was always told we are just here to listen and do not offer any advice, and that's mainly why I have never pursued any professional help {I called the Samaritans once when I felt bad and lost and quite alone

Have you seen a solicitor to see where you stand e g with regard to the hpuse? Could you manage on your own financially ? I think you need to be clear in your head what your options are so that if it comes to the point where you actually feel the need to make the break your own future is assured. But if venting your feelings here is enough then do think about some od the strategies suggested to make life more bearable.

No I do want to change my life but to be honest I have never had the courage

I wasn't being harsh, tcherry, just saying that sharing your dilemma is helpful in itself, but after everyone has told you what they think could be your next move to change things, there is not a lot more they can say, is there?

If you really want to change things, then you will have to do some hard thinking, take a deep breath and then do something.

you are right of course totally, but it takes courage and I am very scared

I am scared because it is such a big thing, its not who I am to walk away from a marriag,e but at the same time I am very un happy

I am just so grateful for you all that have tried to help me

You had no problem telling me that you thought what I posted was harsh. I don't think you are unable to take control of your life.

Telling someone they are being a little harsh does not compare to walking out of a thirty year marriage Does it?

I was not trying to be critical I was letting you know your words hurt me

I am thankful for your input

Dear tcherry it really isn't easy to walk away from any relationship. I was unhappy in my marriage for a long time and it took me some years to decide to leave, having a baby inbetween. But, and in my case, it took a final straw of him being violent, again, to make me go. I didn't want my children to witness violence as I had been brought up with it and it wasn't the first time. Plenty of apologies and promises of not doing it again made me stay. And the fact that I would be breaking up a family. But your health, your mental health is important. Your children would want you to remain as healthy as possible.

I know someone who is sleeping with a married man. She has done for over 20 years. She complains that her life is rubbish. He won't leave his wife for her. In ten years she will be in the same position as she is now. Is this what you want? To be in the same position as you are now, only ten years older? You could be having those years happier, freer, more how you want your life to go. Can you not take a weekend away to gather your thoughts? Away from him, away from us, away from anyone who will influence your decision? I know you have asked our opinions and we have given them. Now it is up to you to mull it all over and come to some sort of decision. Even if it is to wait and see how things pan out for say the next six months. Or to make a plan to get some information on how you would go about splitting up, putting some money at one side, where you would live, how you would manage. Have you spoke to your husband about any of this or would it come as a shock to him how you are really feeling? Is he the sort to sit down and have a proper talk about it or is he the sort to blow up in a rage? Only you know in your heart of hearts whether you want to be with him in another ten years. If I were you I'd take some time away, take a pad of paper and pen and put your feelings, how he is, how you would cope, money management, where you would live, put it all down on paper. It's amazing sometimes when I write things down how much clearer things become. But most of all, look after yourself. Take care and keep us posted.

I asked myself that question as I read your post ruby and the answer is no..I don't still want to be in this position in ten years time..and your sentence..you could be happier.. was like an arm reaching out to lift me off the floor and gives me courage to think that my life would be happier I never really looked at it that way.

I have hung on so long because I was hoping for change, I was frustrated that he is who he is.

It's a wrench at the moment but must see it through!

for today

tcherry Thank you for your lovely post. It made me smile that I had helped a little. One thing my son always says and has helped me change my life for the better.

The definition of insanity - "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

To me, it said it all. I broke off my abusive relationship with my mother and my relationship with my daughter who is manipulative, lies to me, tries to get money out of me, being two-faced. In order for my life to be better and happier, it had to happen unfortunately. Not that I wanted to do it, but my mental health and heart conditions were suffering and I'm not allowing that.

Good luck, take care, keep in touch.

for you.

tcherry, it does seem to me a bit unreasonable of you to expect your husband to be the one to leave your house. It has been a long term home for both of you. I do not recall you saying whether your children still live there, in which case that alters things. If you sold up and split all assets equally, you would both be in a similar position for starting again. A solicitor will usually give a free initial consultation to advise you on where you would stand if you part company.
Look after yourself.

Along with breaking my relationship with my mother, I have, last year, got in touch with my dad. I grew up with him at home, they divorced after over 40 years, but my mother turned us against him all through our childhood and brainwashed us. So I found out myself what he is like now he is a single man and he is lovely. He is very funny, great to spend time with even though now he has dementia. I do wish we had met up sooner. So it has brought me a better relationship with my parent. He knows now that I am there to look after him and I have the opportunity to have my true dad in my life at last.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do but being with someone you don't want to be with any longer makes you be a person you aren't really. Plus to be on your own gives you the opportunity to have relationships (and not men, I mean) with anyone you want. I got a tattoo when I divorced of a heart with wings which meant I was then allowed to love whoever, whenever, wherever I wanted. Empowering really, even now 14 years later.

One note of caution though. The grass isn't necessarily always greener. Some days I am lonely, I miss someone being around, but not the ex husband. I wouldn't go back to that life, even though we had more money than I do now. X

Do you own your home jointly tcherry? If so as shysal says he is not obliged to move out becsuse you want him to. That is one reason I advised seeing a solicitor to see how things stand. You also need to be sure of your finances. If he has taken early retirement he is unlikely to be able to pay you any msuntenance unless you have young children . It is complicated- get advice.

He has agreed to leave because I worked very hard to get the house we have, he did not. Plus I think he knows that he has given me a hard life and is cutting me a bit of slack now, I explained to him that all I want now is a bit of peace, I don't want to spend the rest of my living days arguing and fighting and am tired.

As you get older you become less accepting of things and I have had enough, so much more than enough and as Ruby has said I can be happier, I love those words now

Well, that was a quick and seemingly easy resolution to your problem, tcherry...

Good luck, meant to add!

Quick and easy! I have been in turmoil for at least 20 years over this, I have been close to a breakdown and lost half of my life!!!! so I really would not say quick OR easy very

I was feeling so hopeful I have to say you have winded me a little

tcherry - I also was in the position of being very unhappy and wanting it to end. Not wishing my ex any harm, I just wanted peace. It went on for years, him not keeping a job, being (officially) paranoid and troubled, and me working to keep a home together, plus doing absolutely everything in the home. For 22 years.
Then one Sunday night .... my DS was at his DGM. I phoned him to come home and phoned my ex who was at his father's house to come home. I waited on my ex to come home.... and told him... the end.
In a split second I had decided - no more.
He didn't believe me but I stuck my ground, he'd had lots chances.

The difficulty is in making the decision. Once that certain moment of decision arrives it can appear to others that it was a quick decision. That's what folks said to me, but in actuality it was the longest decision imaginable.

Also, I think that it doesn't matter if the matrimonial home is in both names or one name, both parties have equal rights 50/50.

If you have made your decision then I agree that you should be seeking legal advice. And make arrangements when and where DH will go. DH may be amenable at the moment, but who knows how it may go down the line and when 'friends' give him 'advice.'

So glad it seems to have been helpful to air your problem on here. Several people told you to decide what you wanted and go for it, and despite your fears it only took you one conversation to get your husband to agree to leave the house after 20 years of putting up with him.

I remember another poster who had trouble with her husband. She described her long-tern dilemma and asked for advice and received many posts over the next few days with stories of how others had dealt with similar situations. She too found was that once her mind was made up, she achieved her goal with no opposition and the whole thing was done and dusted almost overnight.

Gransnet is wonderful. It should be prescribed on the NHS!

Absolutely, Elegran! Would that all our problems could be dealt with so tidily!

It is so nice to see that all the support and encouragement from posters has brought about a result.