How do I cope with this

It certainly seems to me that after a lifetime of being together to suddenly decide that a husband should move out, for what seem to be fairly trivial reasons, is unreasonable. Counselling has been suggested, and that should be the first thing to be tried.

And, although I hesitate to say this, I read on these threads accounts of members whose husbands / partners suffer from dreadful illness, are sometimes difficult or awkward or exasperating. I'm sure we all are in one way or another. But when we made those vows 'for better, for worse, in sickness and in health' we surely knew that in older age those situations would kick in.

My respect for some members on here is immense. They cope with huge trials and problems and remain strong and true through it all. I think we could all learn from them when the going gets hard.

I have just read through the posts and can someone tell me if when a marriage is over as the OP states can she expect to be left in the house that both her and her husband have contributed too throughout their years together or am I right in thinking that the property is sold and split both ways or she buys him out.? Just thinking not making any judgements.

Is it a good thing that younger couples 'seem to leave more easily'?
Good for whom?
I agree with penstemmon about the value of counselling. I accept that some relationships may indeed be irretrievable, and should be ended, but leaving a relationship to which a lifetime commitment has been made, shouldn't be undertaken lightly or easily.

Ah right see what you mean. As a quote I tend to associate it more with Scout's father in To Kill a Mocking Bird although it is said to predate that and have Native American Indian origins.

What has Elvis got to do with anything?

Can only agree with Atqui.

Although I have the utmost sympathy for women who have lost a loving and loved husband,( my mother was in that situation in her fifties) I don't think it's very helpful for people who are unhappy in their relationship to be told 'Think yourself lucky you've still got a husband" .I believe there are many women , and probably men in the same situation as Tcherry,who are very unhappy but for various reasons aren't courageous enough to make the break. perhaps it's a generational thing, as younger people seem to leave more easily, despite hardship of being single parents.

Dear tcherry It is not wrong to want to put yourself first at last in all of this. He has had plenty of opportunity to put right what has been wrong in your marriage for ages and has not done so. If it was me, and I knew that where he was going to he would still get care for feeling unwell, then I would still ask him to go. He is going to feel unwell at times when he moves out. He can't keep running back to you because he feels ill. He is and has been making you ill.

I also think it was more than feeling fed up because he is at home when you get back from work. But unless you are in the same position or have been, then it must be hard for some people to understand what you are going through now. Elvis - Before you abuse criticize and accuse, walk a mile in my shoes. You be strong and stick to what you want from your life.

It sounds to me as if you have. To go from being fed up because he is at home when you get back from work to telling him to leave was drastic enough. No wonder he "feels unwell"

I think I can do that without any help as I have waited for this split for a very long time, trouble is, now he is saying he is unwell and so I feel guilty and saying to him well wait til you feel better before moving out, I feel very frustrated but don't want to be an evil so and so

One of these days I am going to put myself first!!

thcherry it may help yo to move on 'positively'

Counselling is good and probably very effective but you need to want to make things work and there has to be something left, not the case for me I'm afraid..

tcherry our wedding day was happy and , mostly we have been happy but like many couples have had bad patches too..even separated at one point. That is why I promote trying counselling it helped us through a sticky patch. It aimed to help each of us and did not push us to stay together or to separate but to find a solution.

I have to say that I did not appreciate your rude and shouty PM, tcherry - I'm mentioning it on here because you told me you'd blocked me, so I couldn't reply. What an odd way to behave!

tcherry I can see both your point of view and trendy's.

However, I think trendy might be missing the message from you that you can be lonely within a marriage. Thank goodness I am not but I can see what you are saying.

Good luck and stay strong. Who knows what the future holds.

trendy lucky you that had a husband that you shared things with and lucky you that had a husband that you could go out with--I do not!

I guess sharing things on gransnet opens you up to both support and criticism--as in real life, there is the good and the bad

I shall deem it as a positive experience though, as the support has out weighed any negative comments

We should suggest it to GNHQ. Perhaps they could be on commision and get a cut!

trendy I couldn't agree more.

Elegran perhaps the prescription charges would bail out the NHS ?

Just try to be thankful that you do still have your partner! Coming back to an empty house is no fun . My late husband used to annoy me at times, as I'm sure I used to annoy him, but having no-one to talk to ,share a meal with or go out with is worth that annoyance!

Glad that it has helped 'talking' it through on here tcherry.
Good luck

It is so nice to see that all the support and encouragement from posters has brought about a result.

Absolutely, Elegran! Would that all our problems could be dealt with so tidily!

So glad it seems to have been helpful to air your problem on here. Several people told you to decide what you wanted and go for it, and despite your fears it only took you one conversation to get your husband to agree to leave the house after 20 years of putting up with him.

I remember another poster who had trouble with her husband. She described her long-tern dilemma and asked for advice and received many posts over the next few days with stories of how others had dealt with similar situations. She too found was that once her mind was made up, she achieved her goal with no opposition and the whole thing was done and dusted almost overnight.

Gransnet is wonderful. It should be prescribed on the NHS!

tcherry - I also was in the position of being very unhappy and wanting it to end. Not wishing my ex any harm, I just wanted peace. It went on for years, him not keeping a job, being (officially) paranoid and troubled, and me working to keep a home together, plus doing absolutely everything in the home. For 22 years.
Then one Sunday night .... my DS was at his DGM. I phoned him to come home and phoned my ex who was at his father's house to come home. I waited on my ex to come home.... and told him... the end.
In a split second I had decided - no more.
He didn't believe me but I stuck my ground, he'd had lots chances.

The difficulty is in making the decision. Once that certain moment of decision arrives it can appear to others that it was a quick decision. That's what folks said to me, but in actuality it was the longest decision imaginable.

Also, I think that it doesn't matter if the matrimonial home is in both names or one name, both parties have equal rights 50/50.

If you have made your decision then I agree that you should be seeking legal advice. And make arrangements when and where DH will go. DH may be amenable at the moment, but who knows how it may go down the line and when 'friends' give him 'advice.'