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how do we help DGS ?

(19 Posts)
ninathenana Thu 02-Oct-14 08:08:17

DGS has always liked school. From day one in reception he went in with a smile and cheery wave.
Since DD and SiL split he has been getting worse in the mornings screaming (literally) and clinging to DD or DD female friend who sometimes does drop off.
His teacher handles this well and TA sits with him and reads and he's fine after 5-10 mins.
Ex SiL is no use 'what do you expect me to do' We assume he thinks DD is going to leave too but when asked he can't tell you why he's like this. He comes out with all sorts of odd excuses 'it's because teacher has different hair' one of the oddest sad
He behaves the same when ex SiL returns him home after having him for weekend. He doesn't want to leave daddy. This is sad but understandable. But how do we help him with all this ? He's 5.

kittylester Thu 02-Oct-14 08:26:59

That's sad and very difficult for your DD nina. I think it's probably something that has to be endured until he realises that his mum not going to leave him! We have 'different' behaviour too after the DGC are honoured with seeing the Idiot!

It sounds as though the school are doing a good job of helping him settle in! DS2 used to scream blue murder when I left him at school and I was a total heap by the time I got home. The class teacher used to ring me at break to tell me how long he cried - usually no more than 5 minutes!

Difficult for you all flowers

Teetime Thu 02-Oct-14 09:01:21

this must be really distressing for you but I think kitty has already given you the best advice and she knows first hand about this. All I know is that kids have phases which pass as quickly as they come- hope this one is quickly gone too.

Nelliemoser Thu 02-Oct-14 09:14:52

He is going to have to weather it poor mite. Are there any story books about this situation available for young children?

Give him an opening to talk about his worries when he is upset and sensitively asking him if he is worried that mummy might leave as well and lots of reassurance.

Elegran Thu 02-Oct-14 09:15:31

Could DD give him something of hers to "look after" until he gets home to her? That would be something solid that he knew he was going to hand back to her soon, so he would be more confident that he was going to see her again soon.

annsixty Thu 02-Oct-14 09:38:09

As Nelliem says he is just going to have to weather it,and in time he will,but he is very young and it will take time. My DD and SiL have just separated and on Tuesday 12yr old GD was in floods of tears and didn't want to go to school.She said "I just want things to go back to how they were when Daddy came home from work every night"
It was then I wondered what we do our C and GC when this happens in a family.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 02-Oct-14 09:54:00

This is so sad. I think all you do is keep reassuring him that both his parents still love him very much, and that neither of them have left him, and that they never will. And perhaps talk to him at different times about his next upcoming visit to his daddy. Try to normalise the new situation. It will come with time.

Sounds like the school is handling it very well.

flowers for you nina. You must be hurting in all this.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 02-Oct-14 09:55:13

can do (Should have read)

Anya Thu 02-Oct-14 10:26:36

Poor little lad, and poor you. It's hard to watch the ones you loves in distress and you must feel helpless. I think Elegran's idea is giving him something to look after for his mum is a good idea. I'm sure the school would understand, and it needn't be something big. Perhaps even her shopping list?
Lots of hugs and smiles will be needed, for him, you and your daughter flowers
I remember my parents splitting up when I was about his age and how bad it made me feel. But I survived and he will too.

MiniMouse Thu 02-Oct-14 12:13:06

Nina I remember an occasion when I was teaching that one of the little five year old boys burst into tears and was quite literally traumatised by the fact that his Mum came to collect him at the end of the day having had her long hair cut short. It was a real shock to him, so perhaps your little GS's reaction to his teacher's hair was just as traumatic, as it was a sudden change to someone that he had got used to. He's already trying to cope with huge change in his life and he may be ultra-sensitive to things that may seem trivial to grown-ups.

ninathenana Thu 02-Oct-14 12:38:22

Some good ideas thank you.

Elegran the teacher suggested he keep a photo of daddy in his book bag to look at when he needs too. Something of DD's that she will need returned at the end of school is a good idea. We will try that smile
jings we constantly reassure him mummy and daddy love him very much but they are not happy together. He's always been a sensitive little soul.

Mishap Thu 02-Oct-14 12:56:51

How very sad. I think you can best help by simply being there as a solid presence in his life at this time of uncertainty for him. Poor little chap.

kittylester Thu 02-Oct-14 14:10:47

DH has always had a beard but, one evening when DS1 had gone to bed, he shaved it off. DS howled for a solid hour the next morning as he didn't recognise his father at all!

Gagagran Thu 02-Oct-14 14:36:51

That made me smile and brought back a memory kitty. My DH only once grew a beard nut shaved it off pdq when DD, aged 2 refused to kiss him. "Go away Daddy it's all tickly" Not really relevant to the op but maybe to your post. All GN chats seem to wander off a bit so I am not too worried! smile

Gagagran Thu 02-Oct-14 14:37:45

nut? should be but! Wish we had an edit!

TriciaF Thu 02-Oct-14 15:44:37

A lot of good advice already. At 5yrs he's going to be confused and angry more than anything else. From my experience, the child can instinctively turn against the the parent that he's with - this happened to me.
An important thing is that both parents , and grandparents, should try not to say negative things about the other in front of the child.
He will grow through it in time.

ninathenana Thu 02-Oct-14 16:48:32

kitty DD did the same with DH smile the thing is his teacher has not changed her hair style confused

We're not holding our breath but he was fine this morning. DD's friend did drop off.

petra Thu 02-Oct-14 20:00:54

It's strange that Elegran should mention giving him something to take to school. We had no probs with DGS starting school but we realised after a few weeks that he was taking any little thing that belonged to DD to school and keeping it in his pocket.

Elegran Thu 02-Oct-14 22:18:07

Having something tangible that belongs to mother is a link to her, a kind of talisman that can be taken out and looked at, or fingered in a pocket for comfort, and if it is something that she will need, which has to be returned to her, it reinforces the idea that he will see her again at the end of the school day.

Dog owners do the same kind of thing when they leave a piece of clothing with a pet while they are away.