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Residential Care

(11 Posts)
hildajenniJ Sat 25-Oct-14 08:31:16

My sister and I disagree. My Dad is 91 and has vascular dementia. We have been looking after him in his own home. He has been taking Donepezil for nearly two years with good results until recently. He has begun getting up in the middle of the night, the neighbours have seen his lights on at all hours, he has also been going to bed before my sister arrives to give him his night time medication. She puts his morning meds in a box and leaves them for him to take with his breakfast, but if he is up during the night, does he take his morning pills then? Whenever I visited he always had the TV on or had the radio on. I spent three days looking after him this week, making lunch etc. He did not put the TV on himself, I think he has forgotten how to use the remote control. He is beginning to mix TV and reality, thinking that a news reporter had taken his photo. I think he is ready for Residential care but my sister wants to try carers morning and evening. I would love some advice, what do you think.

Anya Sat 25-Oct-14 08:43:58

You are probably going to have to involve Social Services and have your father assessed and a Care Plan put in place. Do you have LPAs in place for Health and Welfare?

hildajenniJ Sat 25-Oct-14 08:52:19

We have a CPN, who we are seeing on Tuesday, he also has a care manager/social worker (airy-fairy person who's a bit useless) We have LPA over his financial affairs, as we have had worries about his money for some time. My sister and BiL know more about the social work side of things as they live five minutes walk away from him.
I should have explained all this in my OP.

Teetime Sat 25-Oct-14 08:53:24

anya is right of course but from my experience of 30 years of nursing older people in hospital, in the community and in nursing and residential care homes and if it were my father I would err on the side of safety and find him somewhere kind and loving because although his well being is paramount this will take its toll and you and your sister and your families and it doesn't mean you don't love him less its just that this is a big decision affecting a lot of people. I do hope it works out for you all and that your Father is happy and safe flowers.
PS My MIL has carers night and morning - often she wont let them in and wont let them do anything - we have wanted her to have a good residential care placement but my BIL disagrees then finds himself clearing up various messes and crises and becomes ill himself.

MiniMouse Sat 25-Oct-14 08:54:49

HildajenniJ Is this something you could discuss with your father or would he not grasp the situation? I really feel for you, my father had the same. He lived at home and my mother was his main carer with considerable support from me and also my daughter. Sadly, it will inevitably become 24hour care for your father. Does your sister realise that? - or do you think she may be in denial? Do you or your sister have Power of Attorney?

Anya Sat 25-Oct-14 09:03:58

The reason I think you should go down the care route first is because it's what your sister, who lives quite close, wants to try.

These situations can divide families. If you go along with her preference then she cannot accuse you of 'putting him in a home' without trying other options first. This is a very emotive issue and there can be stress and feelings of guilt all round, so do think carefully about how you tackle this as a family. Residential care will always remain an option if it doesn't work out. In the meantime it can be time consuming to find a good Home so perhaps you could start asking round and doing some research so when the time comes you are prepared.

Of course without an LPA for Health and Welfare the decision may be taken out of your hands anyway.

hildajenniJ Sat 25-Oct-14 09:05:11

Thanks MiniM We are going to try and discuss this with Dad when we see the CPN on Tuesday. He will probably say that everything is fine as it is, but we are worried for his safety, more than anything else. We do have P of A. My sister is very emotional, always has been. I don't want to say too much myself as I will make her cry. I hope the CPN will side with me on this issue. I have a second sister who lives about fifty miles away. She stays over with Dad one night a week. He tends not to get up so soon when she is there, but lately she has heard him up at 05.30.
And another thing, his personal hygeine is not as good as it was. For the three days I was with him he hadn't shaved. Each time I asked he said he'd do it tomorrow.

hildajenniJ Sat 25-Oct-14 09:12:25

There is a lovely little home in the town where he lives, he will know some of the Residents there. We have thought about going to see them, and put his name on their waiting list (my sister thinks they are full at present). We will probably try the carers first, and see how it works out. A small care company has been recommended to us and they can put him on their books, and can start as early as next week.

Thank you all for your advice. Let's see what Tuesday brings.

Teetime Sat 25-Oct-14 10:06:28

A home with a waiting list is a very good sign. Good luck on Tuesday.

Elegran Sat 25-Oct-14 10:16:14

Going to see people he knows in the residential home is a good move. He can see how pleasant it is for his old friends, and enjoy a blether, and you can do some preliminary looking around and maybe chat a bit to the staff.

Trying out carers at home is a good move too. It is possible that he will compare the two situations - staying at home with strangers coming in and out, or living in a comfortable residential home beside people he knows - and prefer to move in. That would solve your worries without coercing him.

What is certain is that he can't go on as he is. Things are not going to magically improve.

Good luck.

Mishap Sat 25-Oct-14 10:48:50

Put his name on the list now - nothing lost. You can still organise carers, but you have a backstop. If his name comes up you could try taling him along and see what happens.

Are you getting all the financial help you are entitled to as regards carers allowance, attendance allowance etc, as well as help towards cost of carers? See CAB for advice on these.