Hi please help

Gil57 not seen "dirty clart" in print since I left Edinburgh 27yrs. ago. Funny.

To have a successful relationship with your family you have to have clear boundaries. Who does what and how the bills are to be divided and if there is use of the family car then it may not be used to the exclusion of others. I believe that you reap what you sow, if you allow people to walk over you they will continue to do so.

tonia54, I really, really feel for you. When my oldest daughter left university, she and her lesbian partner moved into our tiny house. My husband is like yours, head down, won't get involved. I was happy to help while they found their feet but the situation deteriorated quite fast and it ended in a humdinger of a family row that still reverberates. My daughter and lover left after the row but didn't talk to us for a year. So you are not alone.

I wish I had set boundaries earlier and that seems to be the situation you are in. Like others, I'd say go to CAB. I also just googled 'adult children living at home' and realised there are lots of links that look helpful.

In particular, I found this one www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/family-life/grown-up-and-living-at-home which has a helpline you can phone.

you can talk to one of our Family Support Workers through Live Chat, email us or call our confidential helpline on 0808 800 2222. You can also share experiences and advice with other parents on our Forums. Family Lives is here for you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can contact us about any family issue, big or small.

You must get the legal situation sorted out, I agree with the suggestion someone made of talking to the police. The presence of the grandchild is something that will complicate the situation but you sound so desperate, do what will make you feel better.

I take the point that if they think you are coping, then they will let you cope. But I don't then see why you can't just go to wherever it is and say that you are not coping, stress it even; I don't see the need to turn on the tears. Unless of course they come at that point!

What I was trying to say was that I feel very sorry for all concerned but it won't be sorted any time soon, because these situations don't arise overnight. Not saying that they can't be resolved or that there is no point in trying to help, but somewhere there is a root cause or family dynamic that needs addressing...

Tonia - there really is no simple solution to your problem. Presumably your home is jointly owned or rented with your OH, and unless he agrees to take some sort of action to move your son out there is very little you can do individually; except to go and explain your dilemma to somewhere like Shelter or CAB as others have advised.

Or you could yourself look around for suitable rented accommodation for your son and his family and go back to them with a solution.

I cannot imagine that anyone (you, your OH, your son and his family) are happy with this situation and it is impossible to imagine why your son is refusing to get himself out of a place where he is locked in disagreements which must be making him miserable too.

Good point GillT57, and we can only go on what we read...... Don't doubt for one moment that tonia is having an awful time at the moment and luckily lots of wisdom from everyone here.

Am I the only one on here who feels sorry for the son? How humiliating to have to return to the family home with your own wife and child, unable to support them. Then to be told that you are not particularly welcome. Be careful what you wish for tonia54 they may well find their own home and get out from under your feet, but will remember the hassle and arguments with you and as we know from many sad postings on here, grandchildren access can be withdrawn. Cant you just take a deep breath, make them welcome and enjoy your unexpected family Xmas? As to your DiL, maybe she isnt lazy, maybe she feels unable to offer help with cleaning or housework, expecially as you are making it obvious that you think she is a dirty clart responsible for bringing vermin in?

I will now stand aside and await a barrage........but there are always two sides....

Exactly Falconbird . I am the sort of person who hates asking for practical help (although I do often ask for advice from the wise gransnetters) therefore I very rarely get any. I tend to put a brave face on things and just get on with it.

It's not playing the system - it's just letting the powers that be know exactly how you feel.

If you put a brave face on things, as we all do from time to time, they think you are more or less OK when you aren't - you're just trying not to cause a fuss.

I know its awful advising someone to "play the system" Grannyknot I couldn't do it myself but there again I have never been put in that awful situaltion.

Having said that I have just read back through the thread and I am now confused as to who is living where?? Are the son and DiL living apart? If so then that will surely push them higher up on the local authority housing list?

snap phoenix

tonia I'm sorry that you are experiencing such difficulties.

I think that situations like this take years to develop, and therefore they can't be solved quickly either.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you excepting to try and find the inner strength and quiet authority that will gain you the respect that you should have in your own home.

Isn't it sad to be advised that you have to manipulate the system ... as much as I realise people will say the end justifies the means.

Your son and his wife should be sorting themselves, they're a family in their own right, with the added responsibility of being parents.

I hope you find some resolution.

Yes I agree - crying and saying you all feel desperate really helps. I've had to do this more than once in different situations. If they think you can cope they will let you cope.

But proceed with caution tonia54. I was in a very stressful situation with my son and it ended up with him disowning me for over a year, with no contact at all. I was heart broken.

He's back in touch now but he is harbouring a grudge and I've only seen his little girl twice since she was born.

All good wishes for a good result from this stressful situation.

Hi tonia54 and welcome to gransnet.

Ask your son to make an urgent appointment with a housing officer and go with him to the meeting. Tell the housing officer everything and turn on the waterworks if you can (it will probably come naturally if things are as bad as you say) tell them that your health is suffering and you can't go on like this much longer. You love your family but it was never meant to be a long term agreement. Tell them you are having them temporarily over Christmas (for the sake of the little one) but you have given them a date to leave. Mind you, you will have to be strong and they will have to declare themselves homeless on the date you agree on (early January). I do hope something turns up soon. Good luck and stay strong.

Ps it's easy to say these things I know but very hard to do them.

CAB have legal advisers so try them first.

Absolutely Elegran

It is a terrible situation for you. If one of my grown up children came to live with me and told me the house is half theirs I really don't think they would be given money but I would expect half the expenses. He needs to grow up a lot. Please don't let yourself be used even if it means you may not see him again if he leaves. Why should you be controlled by him.

Good luck, I hope you get some help soon.

What a nightmare and just before Christmas as well. I guess your son is desperate and that's why he's acting the way he is but he should be grateful and not having rows with you.

Try to talk to him and your DIL and try to set down some ground rules. My husband was always passive in situations like this and it puts pressure on the mum/nan.

Try to take of yourself if possible. I agree that the family could be rehoused as a priority case because of the baby. It depends on where you live.

Good post Elegran!!

tonia First of all take a deep breath. You cannot afford to get yourself in such a state, think of yourself first and foremost in all this.

Now, how did you get on with your son before he moved out in the first place? How was he as a teen? How old is he now?

It sounds like, if his wife and baby have gone to live with her mother, that he is kicking back a bit, reverting back to his bachelor life or his life before he moved out and had a family. Especially as he is inbetween jobs right now. Does he not need some space to get his head together and figure out for himself what his next move is? Does he not need some help with doing that and some support.

I know that when my teen kicks off and gets angry it is usually because he is feeling scared, unloved, insecure and his default button is to shout and curse when all he really needs is a hug but because he has hormones raging then he wont ask for a hug, he'll yell and try to get attention that way. At that precise moment I feel like showing him the door too, which is the last thing that my son would want or need. It is hard being a mum to a son who has things going on in their head and won't let anyone in at times. But you just have to hang on in there and hope that they come round. At other times my son can be loving and caring. Is yours like this at any time? Take whatever little bit they give out, making you a cup of tea, anything, it is a good sign.

If this is not the case and your son is just plain awful, then I would seek to having a word with the police because if he is not on the tenancy or deeds then he is trespassing if you have asked him to leave. If you are determined for him to go and know that you cannot live with him for a moment longer, then you have to deal with it now. If you can live with it for the time being, then I would leave him to his own devices in the house. I would sit down and do some ground rules and give him a copy and keep one yourself. Do this when he is calmer and get him to sign both copies and you do the same, both agreeing to what you say. You could add that you will stay off his case for so many weeks to let him get his head together but then he has to commit to finding a place and a job. You could say that he has the use of this or that, whatever but make it attractive to him too so that his temper is calmed down. Think of a child and a temper tantrum. It's the same really. Give him something to be thankful for in return for him keeping the peace more.

With regard to his dad, leave him to it. Think for yourself, do some nice things for yourself. Leave them to it for a bit. It's like a pack thing and the males have just got their alpha back albeit that his dad should be the alpha and he should be towing the line with what he says. But it's not like that, and for some peace just now, lay off both of them, leave them to each other and go and find some space somewhere away from the pair of them and relax a bit. You cannot go on getting so worked up, it is not good for you. It will all blow over in time. Take care of yourself, and stay on here for a vent.

No, Tonia you didn't mention that his wife had taken the baby to her mother's. You said that they were all in your house, that she was lazy and messy and you had a mouse problem since they were there. In answer to a comment that she would not want to share a house with another woman, you said that she was glad to be there, it was all Scot-free.

Two versions - she is there getting your house into a slum, or she has left and is not there. You can't be surprised that I am confused.

I would have thought some of the others who are concerned about your situation would have wondered if you are getting your story rather mixed up.

Tomorrow, put all the advice into action. I am sure you will sort it out soon if you set your mind to it.

Really good advice Nina (that was my mum's name, its as if she is trying to help me-she has passed) thank you, you are right of course If I do this at least I will gain control. I don't know how it will go down and what will happen if I give him a time scale and it doesn't help that my Husband is not behind me

Hi Phoenix, yes a new member today

I would have to harden my heart if the situation was this bad. I'd give him X amount of weeks notice........

and change the damn locks !!