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Hi please help

(92 Posts)
tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 19:40:12

I am at my witts end and do not know were to turn, I found out about gransnet from a lady that I work with, My son and his wife and daughter moved into my home a couple of weks ago as their flat was being sold so the Landlord gave them notice, now I said they could stay with me for a couple of months til they found somewere else and all was ok until my son announced that he is going to register for a flat in the local authority sector. I am devastated because I believe this could take a while and I now feel that I am living a nightmare, my son and I do clash quite a bit, I have just had a terrible row with him all sorts came out, my husband is next to useless and just wants to saty out of it and I feel very alone and quite desperate as to what to do. My son has a wife and a 7 month old baby, and my husband still helps him regularly with money, I gave him my car which he now does not want to share with me, just all so awful, I feel so trapped and out of contol of the situation, what can I do, please help-

Mishap Thu 18-Dec-14 20:11:05

How difficult. But it us your home and you can choose whether he stays there or not. What does your OH think? - I know he wants to stay out of it, but does he want your son there?

Can you say to your son that he is welcome as long as things stay peaceful - if there are lots of arguments you will have to rethink?

tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:18:41

Thank you for your reply mishap,it is not my choice though because I have asked him to leave and he refuses this is the worse bit for me because I truly hate being in control, its such a nightmare

Nelliemoser Thu 18-Dec-14 20:20:38

Tonia54 You are by no means alone with this problem. Several GNrs have been in this sort of situation.

Hang about on here and there will be someone come along who can make some helpful suggestions.

tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:21:48

meant to say hate having no control of things

loopylou Thu 18-Dec-14 20:26:18

Could/would they go and stay with her parents? Or alternate between you to give you a bit of a break? When everything is so fraught it must be very difficult to think straight.
I sympathise with having a husband who also has ostrich- like tendencies, which doesn't help when you need back-up.
I'm sure Gransnetters will come up with some suggestions to consider, many wise minds contribute here.

tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:30:25

thankyou so much Nelliemoser I really do hope so!

tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:38:04

Thank you loopylou I do hope so, waiting, real could do with some advice

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 18-Dec-14 20:38:04

OMG! It sounds a nightmare. You will have to tell them they can't stay that long. You've got to stick up for yourself.

When you say you gave him the car, was there paperwork done? Can you claim it back.

You've really got to be friendly but firm. Establish yourself as "top dog".

janerowena Thu 18-Dec-14 20:41:28

For a start I would sell the car. If you can't use it, then neither can he. It would show that you mean business. I'm tempted to say, get a solicitor to write out a tenancy agreement with rules for living with you in it, and if he disobeys, he will be evicted.

tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:43:19

Jinglebellsfrock I have tried telling him he has to leave but he takes no notice, he claims its his house too I feel so desparate What can I do other than physically throw him out I have no support from my husband, if he does say anything he usually sides with my son I just dont know what I am going to do

Elegran Thu 18-Dec-14 20:43:21

If he were homeless when he had to leave his flat, registering with the council would make him an urgent priority for housing. If your house is overcrowded, or if he had to leave it, that would be a priority too.

Your husband helps him with money, you gave him your car but he won't share it with you,you have terible rows, he moved in with you for a couple of months and now when you ask him to go he refuses.

Is this a son or a cuckoo?

tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:44:40

I just want to cry I feel just so alone with this no one to turn to for help or support

janerowena Thu 18-Dec-14 20:46:22

Go to CAB, they could perhaps give you a few ideas too.

tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:48:45

Elegran he does not want to go homeless becaue he said they will put him in a Hostel, he is a nightmare. I really don't know what I am going to do

janerowena Thu 18-Dec-14 20:50:17

Read through this thread, for a start. I think you will find that we are all saying the same thing! Calm down and start plotting. I know he's your son, but what an ingrate.

tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:50:54

janerowena, that could be a good idea, just to perhaps see what my choices could be, but it is difficult because he is our son so how far an you go, I don't know! just such a messss

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 18-Dec-14 20:51:33

How do you get on with your dil? Can you get her on your side a bit? Obviously you can't throw them out while they have nowhere to go, but you all need to live peaceably together. It's going to take a big effort, probably mostly on your part. Don't let your son walk all over you, but try to avoid rows. And perhaps if you help out with the baby and chat to your dil, you can work things out. Perhaps you two women can start to enjoy each other's company. (sort of, gang up on the blokes)

janerowena Thu 18-Dec-14 20:54:08

I doubt if she wants to be there, women like their own homes, but how many people have space in their home to take in another family?

tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:57:33

He certainly is an ingrate. Jane so much he takes £50 from his Dad every week even though he does not need it, just such a mes we have found ourselves in feel trapped and the worse for me is I feel I have no control!!

alex57currie Thu 18-Dec-14 21:00:26

tonia54 what is your Dil contributing in this fiasco? Is it +ve/-ve? Keep a calm heart as already suggested. Contact CAB asap. Pop into your local police station and have a word. It's amazing the advice they can give you. Write a plan of action. Attack from several sides.

tonia54 Thu 18-Dec-14 21:02:55

she does want to be there, everything is scot free! she has a big family and is used to being in a crowded house, besides she just does as she is told by my son really, he rules the roost and he is trying to do that in my home but I won't let him and ths when the rows begin, but HOW can I get him to move out, what can I say to him to make him want to leave, there must be something, please help thank you

NfkDumpling Thu 18-Dec-14 21:03:43

You say he says it's his house too. Is it? Is his name on the deeds / tenancy agreement? If not he surely has no rights, apart from you having said he could stay for a couple of months.

I don't know how the law is now but it used to be that if they have their own room as far as the council are concerned they are adequately housed so won't get on the housing list. You and your DH would have to give them notice to quit - and mean it.

I agree CAB is probably your best bet. They can tell you the law as it stands now and what the council attitude is in your area. That at least will give you ammunition in an argument. In the meantime for everyone's sanity can you work out ground rules to suit you all?

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 18-Dec-14 21:07:49

But he's your son! Can't you talk to him? Do you love him? Do you get any happiness from having your grandchild with you? Is it really all bad.

J52 Thu 18-Dec-14 21:14:25

What a dreadful situation. Does your son have a job? I would remove him from the insurance for the car, so he cannot legally drive it.
Muster up some strength, this is bullying. Set some ground rules. If you cannot then enlist some legal support and remove him. I know this sounds harsh, but it is 'tough love' . Otherwise you will be put upon for ever.
I'm sure faced with eviction from your home he will quickly find other private rented accommodation.
My best wishes and good luck, but news the time to get tough. X