Mean Parents

Well, once ours started school we always had all the boys or girls in the class, depending on whether it was DD1, DD2 or DS who was the birthday child. An occasional special friend of the opposite gender and according to some photos I've just been sorting out, one or two friends for each of my other children as well. My children liked the organised chaos and so did I, as it meant that the special needs children and those with the "badly behaved" reputation didn't get left out, as they did by most other parents. The parties didn't cost much when they were little - traditional games inside or down the fields at the end of our street were the order of the day. We never expected a return invitation from anyone - if other parents wanted small parties or none at all, that was entirely up to them (and sometimes a blessed relief when you start on the party circuit!).

Inviting just close friends is absolutely fine, but I would never, ever have left one child out of a whole class invitation. I don't know what gets into people.

I was gobsmacked taken aback once when the mother of a girl in my son's class knocked at our door when his party - all boys - was in full flow, and asked me if she could come in to hand out invitations to most, but not quite all of the boys (and not including DS) to her daughter's party the next week. I just suggested politely that she should give them out at school....I must have been in a good mood that day.

I wouldn't worry- taking 2 friends out is probably much nicer for the children!

I have the opposite problem. My grandson will be 5 in a few days (where did that time go?) and my daughter invited me to attend his party. As it would have meant spending almost four hours driving there and back, (or more likely a plea to stay overnight) and having stayed for the better part of December at her house I graciously declined . My daughter then immediately said if I'm not going there won't be a party so she's taking him and just a couple of friends to an ice cream place.
Now why do I get the impression that I would have ended up organizing the party if I'd been going?

I agree with Nelliemoser.
Did he actually want to go? Was it a special friend? Not all children like parties, I hated them when I was that age.
I agree that if it really was the whole class it was not nice, but it could well be an oversight or maybe a lot were left out.

My DGD had her 6th Birthday pirate party in December and was allowed to invite 10 children from the class. Invitations given to mum/dad/carer once children were in the class or before children came out at end of day. Nightmare for me as I only collect a couple of times a week so had to make sure the correct child's name got to the correct adult! Even if only a few are able to be invited so many little ones are hopeful they will get an invitation so not very sensitive to hand invites direct to some kiddies and not others!

One consolation is that by the time they reach the age of 8 or so, they will prefer to take a few special friends out for a treat - sometimes a film or a meal. I recall taking DS2 and some friends ice skating when he was 13.

I think whole class parties are a bad idea in the first place as they set up an expensive precedent, which for parents who really cant afford to spend on such things, is a real problem.

I would suggest just do proper party games and keep the numbers of children to suit the size of your living room. Mine had small group of friends of the same age who had been at playgroup and reception class together. One time with little ones my hubby ended up sitting them all down and reading them a story as the party was finishing.

I know it's not quite their role but schools could perhaps suggest to parents of children as they first join a school about ways of avoiding class size parties and explaining how difficult party cost inflation can be for families and attempt to spread a message of fairness and reason about this thorny issue. They could also offer advice against birthday present and party bag inflation. If the school could try to get the parents on one side about this, school life might be a lot happier.

I cannot imagine that a class full of reception class children at one party is much fun for many of them. Too big and overwhelming for many.

My DGC's school has its faults. But one thing I can say is that in the early years (reception,1,2)it has a strict policy that parents do not give out party invitations to individual children/parents in the playground. They either have to invite the entire class (via the class teachers printed list) or else they deal with it outside of school. Is it possibly the case that the parent/child who is having the party just missed your grandson out by accident Grandelly54? Perhaps a quiet word with the class teacher could clarify this. I do hope this is the case.

In my DGC'S school in Switzerland each parent is given a class list with names of parents addresses and phone numbers. They all use it to collect children from school to go home to play or for help with child taking home the someone else's swim kit etc. a friend of mine still remembers with bitterness her DD staring a new school and not getting an invite to the first party of the term. She still believes it wasn't an oversight.her DD will be 40 this year. I did whole class parties but always got an student entertainer,magician or play school helper in.

Thank you all for you comments-no the parent in question still has not invited my grandson-I have asked myself if it was an oversight, but she actually did it in front of us!!! I would say that grandson is not an unruly child-I know this as he lives with us. The school does not have a policy on "whole class" or no one and also just to explain GS is still in nursery and there are not that many children there-it seems a deliberate thing to do and I want to keep my mouth shut, but we will see how that goes!. Last year we held a Harry Potter party for my 8 year old grandson-the class was invited, but I have found that not all turn up. The Harry Potter party was an amazing success-we did HP Bingo and the winner got Gringots gold to spend in the HP Sweet shop. We had a Sorting Hat (which if you don't know) sorts the children into houses, we even played Quidditch!! Every child that turned up said what a great time they had and when is the next one. Although very tiring it was a great day. Sorry I digress as usual. The thing is I have worked with excluded children and my grandson is an absolute angel compared. Thank you once again for your comments.

These parties are a nightmare. GDs are at one nearly every weekend and it is getting ridiculous. DIL held parties for GC, their birthdays are only 6 days apart but they both had a different themed party in a venue. I don't go to the parties but often contribute to the cost because it is so expensive.
I can understand the mix up with names, GD's classes are small but some names arise several times so end up as Amelia A, B and so on, problems really arise when you have three Toby As. I wouldn't worry about being excluded, think of it as one less gift to buy that gets recycled at the next party.

It's fine if you know all the names of every child in the class, but if you don't, and you rely on your child's memory, it's a bit hard to know if you have missed someone out. I have been refused a list of every child's name in the past. Then of course you child may know every first name but not the second and there may be two Zachs and three Gemmas. A Siobhan, a Chevaughan, a Sophia, a Sofie... It's a minefield. I remember it well.

My own daughter was missed out once because the mother simply didn't know of her existence. She had been put up a year and her teacher handed out the original class list to the mother who requested it soon after the year started. However that year was dreadful for me, as she was soon invited to every party in the old year AND the new year, so be careful what you wish for, it's a very expensive pastime!

Children's parties were the bane of my life, both our children had various types of parties right from a very early age until teens when thankfully they took themselves off with a group of close friends and organised their own entertainment for the day.

Hurt feelings are to be avoided at all costs, I remember on one occasion I got together with another mum, our children being very close friends and we opted for an activity venue and had the whole class, although this friend did want to exclude one child who both our children had issues with. The child in question had a problematic home life, parents separated and mother had stopped him seeing his father which had affected his behaviour. I did argue that we couldn't leave him out as it would only add to the hurt he was already having to deal with. To make matters worse it would have reflected very badly on me as I took him to and from school sometimes as his mother had recently had given birth to his baby sister with her new partner. We invited him, he was very happy and the party went off well, without any incidents, although being responsible for 30 or so kids, even with half a dozen adults was not something I wanted to repeat.

Mainly our children had a circle of close friends to their parties which were often swimming or roller skating type of affairs through junior school. As HildaW has said, inviting the whole class is not always an option, it was bad enough having a dozen or so to the house when they were very young.

I do think parents should be circumspect with their invitations when they can't include everyone.

I agree with the OP, it's horrible to do whole class invitations, but exclude one or two children. One of my grandsons was never invited to parties, he's very bright but on the autistic spectrum, so socially ill at ease. Being excluded from something as exciting as a birthday party at age 4 or throughout primary school is so hurtful, especially when everyone talks about the party.

I wish parents would be more sensitive

Parents are free to invite whom they like to a child's party but it's very mean to hand out invitations in view of the 4-year old who isn't getting one.

Is there more to this story .... bad feelings between parents, tit-for-tat, etc?

Oh my goodness! Who is this woman that did this - I think I'd be tempted to make a comment to her ?

That is extremely mean and I would be upset by it Grandelly.
I worked in a class where one child had a reputation for unruly behaviour and therefore was often excluded (yes, from the age of 4) from children's parties. When he was in year 6 one of the very popular girls had a party and this lad got the first invitation; he was thrilled beyond measure, but some of the other children's parents were very unhappy and warned the girl's mother that he would spoil the party. She looked them in the eye and told them she would quite understand if their child didn't come. Her daughter was the loveliest, kindest child and it's easy to see where she got it from.

If I had been one of the other mothers/grandmothers to witness this I would have handed back the invitation saying, sorry, we won't be able to make it.

What an obnoxious thing to do to a child.

Some schools have a clear policy on just this! Either everyone in the class or invitations issued privately outwith the school altogether. What a shame for your wee one.

If the whole class was invited except your DGC then it was a horrible thing to do. If she was only inviting a set number then it was insensitive of her to do it front of children who weren't being invited.

We had the whole class once, and only once, for my DD birthday, around 5 I think, so there were about 30 children. Never again. Although the ex was very good at doing parties, give credit where it is due.

But to just leave one child out is out of order. But this mother has to live with herself, doesn't she?

Surely this must be some sort of mistake - nobody would be that unkind would they?

I expect you and your grandson's mum and dad have not drawn his attention to this. At the age of 4, hopefully he may not be quite so aware that he has been left out.

If it was intentional, I think it's really horrible. I too would be very reluctant to hold a party for 20 children but it is totally out of order to leave out just one child.

Very cruel if he was the only one in the class not invited. If it were my child who said I don't want Alginon to come I would have explained the error of his ways, and persuaded him other wise.

Four year olds probably get taken to Softplay.

They take 'em off to Paintballing or somesuch. When my DGD was ten she invited the whole class and they had someone round to the house to do nails and hair-dos. Games of Dead Lions and Pass the Parcel followed by jelly and cake are very yesterday.