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Mean Parents

(30 Posts)
Grandelly54 Tue 06-Jan-15 20:39:34

How is it that you can be standing in the school playground with your grandchild and talking to parents when along comes a mum who starts to hand out party invitations to all and sundry, but leaves your grandchild (who is only four) out? Is there something wrong with the world-I would not dream of leaving any kiddie in the class out from a party invitation. Cannot understand how these adults can look at a little one and decide that they don't like them, after all it really isn't their party, it is their child's 4th birthday party? Please let me know your thoughts on this. I might of course be a wee bit biased towards my grandson.............

rosesarered Tue 06-Jan-15 20:43:22

No, I agree Grandelly, it's pretty awful to do that in front of a little one.When they are much older, they have to accept that they won't be invited to everyone's parties, but tiny tots can't understand that. The mother should have sent the invites another way if she only wanted a few classmates to attend.

Mishap Tue 06-Jan-15 20:44:41

Oh - poor wee lass. Give her a big hug.

Maggiemaybe Tue 06-Jan-15 20:48:09

I'd be furious, Grandelly54. What a mean thing to do to a 4 year old. I'm trying to believe that it might have been a misunderstanding and that your grandson will get his invitation tomorrow. I certainly hope so.

HildaW Tue 06-Jan-15 20:49:49

Must admit the idea of inviting the whole class to my child's or grandchild's party is beyond me. I come from the old school where you invited half a dozen of your closest pals and that was it. It was just a fact of life that some children were your close friends and some were not. Its not a bad lesson in life - you cant expect everyone to like you.
However, if just one child out of a whole class was excluded that would seem a tad perverse. But how on earth does one cater for over 20 four year olds?

NotTooOld Tue 06-Jan-15 21:11:20

They take 'em off to Paintballing or somesuch. When my DGD was ten she invited the whole class and they had someone round to the house to do nails and hair-dos. Games of Dead Lions and Pass the Parcel followed by jelly and cake are very yesterday.

NotTooOld Tue 06-Jan-15 21:12:05

Four year olds probably get taken to Softplay.

ninathenana Tue 06-Jan-15 23:59:18

Very cruel if he was the only one in the class not invited. If it were my child who said I don't want Alginon to come I would have explained the error of his ways, and persuaded him other wise.

Eloethan Wed 07-Jan-15 00:28:27

Surely this must be some sort of mistake - nobody would be that unkind would they?

I expect you and your grandson's mum and dad have not drawn his attention to this. At the age of 4, hopefully he may not be quite so aware that he has been left out.

If it was intentional, I think it's really horrible. I too would be very reluctant to hold a party for 20 children but it is totally out of order to leave out just one child.

rubylady Wed 07-Jan-15 01:19:20

We had the whole class once, and only once, for my DD birthday, around 5 I think, so there were about 30 children. Never again. Although the ex was very good at doing parties, give credit where it is due. smile

But to just leave one child out is out of order. But this mother has to live with herself, doesn't she?

vampirequeen Wed 07-Jan-15 08:53:14

If the whole class was invited except your DGC then it was a horrible thing to do. If she was only inviting a set number then it was insensitive of her to do it front of children who weren't being invited.

Jane10 Wed 07-Jan-15 09:16:38

Some schools have a clear policy on just this! Either everyone in the class or invitations issued privately outwith the school altogether. What a shame for your wee one.

Agus Wed 07-Jan-15 09:25:29

If I had been one of the other mothers/grandmothers to witness this I would have handed back the invitation saying, sorry, we won't be able to make it.

What an obnoxious thing to do to a child.

grannyactivist Wed 07-Jan-15 09:46:10

That is extremely mean and I would be upset by it Grandelly.
I worked in a class where one child had a reputation for unruly behaviour and therefore was often excluded (yes, from the age of 4) from children's parties. When he was in year 6 one of the very popular girls had a party and this lad got the first invitation; he was thrilled beyond measure, but some of the other children's parents were very unhappy and warned the girl's mother that he would spoil the party. She looked them in the eye and told them she would quite understand if their child didn't come. Her daughter was the loveliest, kindest child and it's easy to see where she got it from.

Marelli Wed 07-Jan-15 09:48:37

Oh my goodness! sad Who is this woman that did this - I think I'd be tempted to make a comment to her angry?

Riverwalk Wed 07-Jan-15 09:59:28

Parents are free to invite whom they like to a child's party but it's very mean to hand out invitations in view of the 4-year old who isn't getting one.

Is there more to this story .... bad feelings between parents, tit-for-tat, etc?

Iam64 Wed 07-Jan-15 10:12:59

I agree with the OP, it's horrible to do whole class invitations, but exclude one or two children. One of my grandsons was never invited to parties, he's very bright but on the autistic spectrum, so socially ill at ease. Being excluded from something as exciting as a birthday party at age 4 or throughout primary school is so hurtful, especially when everyone talks about the party.

I wish parents would be more sensitive

TerriBull Wed 07-Jan-15 11:14:07

Children's parties were the bane of my life, both our children had various types of parties right from a very early age until teens when thankfully they took themselves off with a group of close friends and organised their own entertainment for the day.

Hurt feelings are to be avoided at all costs, I remember on one occasion I got together with another mum, our children being very close friends and we opted for an activity venue and had the whole class, although this friend did want to exclude one child who both our children had issues with. The child in question had a problematic home life, parents separated and mother had stopped him seeing his father which had affected his behaviour. I did argue that we couldn't leave him out as it would only add to the hurt he was already having to deal with. To make matters worse it would have reflected very badly on me as I took him to and from school sometimes as his mother had recently had given birth to his baby sister with her new partner. We invited him, he was very happy and the party went off well, without any incidents, although being responsible for 30 or so kids, even with half a dozen adults was not something I wanted to repeat.

Mainly our children had a circle of close friends to their parties which were often swimming or roller skating type of affairs through junior school. As HildaW has said, inviting the whole class is not always an option, it was bad enough having a dozen or so to the house when they were very young.

I do think parents should be circumspect with their invitations when they can't include everyone.

janerowena Wed 07-Jan-15 11:15:48

It's fine if you know all the names of every child in the class, but if you don't, and you rely on your child's memory, it's a bit hard to know if you have missed someone out. I have been refused a list of every child's name in the past. Then of course you child may know every first name but not the second and there may be two Zachs and three Gemmas. A Siobhan, a Chevaughan, a Sophia, a Sofie... It's a minefield. I remember it well.

My own daughter was missed out once because the mother simply didn't know of her existence. She had been put up a year and her teacher handed out the original class list to the mother who requested it soon after the year started. However that year was dreadful for me, as she was soon invited to every party in the old year AND the new year, so be careful what you wish for, it's a very expensive pastime!

harrigran Wed 07-Jan-15 13:12:13

These parties are a nightmare. GDs are at one nearly every weekend and it is getting ridiculous. DIL held parties for GC, their birthdays are only 6 days apart but they both had a different themed party in a venue. I don't go to the parties but often contribute to the cost because it is so expensive.
I can understand the mix up with names, GD's classes are small but some names arise several times so end up as Amelia A, B and so on, problems really arise when you have three Toby As. I wouldn't worry about being excluded, think of it as one less gift to buy that gets recycled at the next party.

Grandelly54 Wed 07-Jan-15 13:27:09

Thank you all for you comments-no the parent in question still has not invited my grandson-I have asked myself if it was an oversight, but she actually did it in front of us!!! I would say that grandson is not an unruly child-I know this as he lives with us. The school does not have a policy on "whole class" or no one and also just to explain GS is still in nursery and there are not that many children there-it seems a deliberate thing to do and I want to keep my mouth shut, but we will see how that goes!. Last year we held a Harry Potter party for my 8 year old grandson-the class was invited, but I have found that not all turn up. The Harry Potter party was an amazing success-we did HP Bingo and the winner got Gringots gold to spend in the HP Sweet shop. We had a Sorting Hat (which if you don't know) sorts the children into houses, we even played Quidditch!! Every child that turned up said what a great time they had and when is the next one. Although very tiring it was a great day. Sorry I digress as usual. The thing is I have worked with excluded children and my grandson is an absolute angel compared. Thank you once again for your comments.

Stansgran Wed 07-Jan-15 13:39:34

In my DGC'S school in Switzerland each parent is given a class list with names of parents addresses and phone numbers. They all use it to collect children from school to go home to play or for help with child taking home the someone else's swim kit etc. a friend of mine still remembers with bitterness her DD staring a new school and not getting an invite to the first party of the term. She still believes it wasn't an oversight.her DD will be 40 this year. I did whole class parties but always got an student entertainer,magician or play school helper in.

gillybob Wed 07-Jan-15 13:50:53

My DGC's school has its faults. But one thing I can say is that in the early years (reception,1,2)it has a strict policy that parents do not give out party invitations to individual children/parents in the playground. They either have to invite the entire class (via the class teachers printed list) or else they deal with it outside of school. Is it possibly the case that the parent/child who is having the party just missed your grandson out by accident Grandelly54? Perhaps a quiet word with the class teacher could clarify this. I do hope this is the case.

Nelliemoser Wed 07-Jan-15 18:12:11

I think whole class parties are a bad idea in the first place as they set up an expensive precedent, which for parents who really cant afford to spend on such things, is a real problem.

I would suggest just do proper party games and keep the numbers of children to suit the size of your living room. Mine had small group of friends of the same age who had been at playgroup and reception class together. One time with little ones my hubby ended up sitting them all down and reading them a story as the party was finishing.

I know it's not quite their role but schools could perhaps suggest to parents of children as they first join a school about ways of avoiding class size parties and explaining how difficult party cost inflation can be for families and attempt to spread a message of fairness and reason about this thorny issue. They could also offer advice against birthday present and party bag inflation. If the school could try to get the parents on one side about this, school life might be a lot happier.

I cannot imagine that a class full of reception class children at one party is much fun for many of them. Too big and overwhelming for many.

annodomini Wed 07-Jan-15 19:24:29

One consolation is that by the time they reach the age of 8 or so, they will prefer to take a few special friends out for a treat - sometimes a film or a meal. I recall taking DS2 and some friends ice skating when he was 13.