tricky discussion with son

Yes it does. and hugs.

There is always more to any given situation than can usefully be conveyed by trying to put it succinctly. My son and I are very close, which is why I feel I should be the one to tackle this. Like most of us, he doesn't take criticism well, so the broad hints, which have been tried by hubby, daughter and myself tend to put him on the defensive, and hence the message goes by the wayside. I really don't know how his wife deals with him in private, but when I've witnessed this (not for a couple of years), she seems to just give up when he is so relentless. Having been on the end of this myself (as mentioned when having what I would consider to be a light-hearted discussion about a film or book, etc), I know there are just some things that aren't worth the aggravation. But I worry that over important things, she's being ground down in a way that hurts ME! Does that make any sense?

What was he like when he lived at home? Is this something that has been a problem before? Have you ever had reason in the past to pull him up over being aggressive or abusive?

I do feel for you - it must be so very hard to witness your own offspring behaving in an unacceptable way.

My thought would be that if you are actually present when something like this happens, perhaps you could say that it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable to hear him speaking like this. Then leave him to draw his own conclusions.

Would this create mayhem, or is it something that you think would be productive?

Good luck is winging your way in bucketloads.

yankeegran if you have witnessed it at any time, you don't need to mention the coffee shop incident IMHO. All you need to do is say what you have observed and/or heard yourself - in other words, add your voice to the lightbulb moment that he may have had in the coffee shop.

Sorry, I also meant to add yankeegran I do feel for you. I always think in situations like this - he is your son after all. How difficult it must be for you.

I've got a very big son - over 6 foot - and on the few occasions when I have seen him lose his temper, it has been damn scary for everyone concerned. So I've told him that, but I wouldn't have rejected him altogether. And these days, he has his temper under control.

I actually think the observation of the stranger in the coffee shop probably had more impact than anything the rest of us could say. If only he had told me about that I could use it as a starting point. Is it fair to bring up someting my daughter told me?

... or even just point out to him that he is being aggressive and leave it there.

For me, it's that "state the truth without any expectation" and let the adult work it out for themselves after that. Hopefully.

I'd gang up with someone to protect them.

You could just ask him, next time you observe his aggression, why he's is being so aggressive. Or just tell him to stop being aggressive. It might make him realise...

I agree that the real solution is in her hands, but I don't feel I can have a discussion with her lest it look like we're ganging up on him - or siding with her against him. He is otherwise a wonderful son and a good father. I do NOT want to burn the whole bed for one bug!

Sod drawing his fire! (sorry Gaga) I would give him a very straight talking to.

Now comes all the "Oh, but you don't want to get cut out of their lives". Not sure I would want to be in his life.

To be honest, if anyone should have a word with him, its his father.

You do risk drawing his fire and if it were me I would keep quiet. annsixty is right - the solution is in your DiL's own hands.

Nigella Lawson had the answer to this. I don't really mean to be flippant but the solution really is within her hands.

Maybe suggest assertiveness training to your DiL. It won't do her any harm and it may help. Good luck.