The Aftermath

I don't understand, Parcs . A while ago you didn't want to talk to your daughter at all. Now you say you want to share the car you bought for her. Did you actually buy the car for her sole use, or was it always intended as a shared vehicle? Or did you just assume she would share it? And why ask at this point when relationships are strained? Let this and your daughter go - quietly and with fuss, as you have managed to do on this occasion. She will come back to you all the faster for not being pressured.

These situations are so sad. So many people on this and other threads having problems/rifts with their children. As you say Parcs it's hard to think that that child we nourished and cherished can now treat us so badly. I am on reasonable terms with my DD but only because I have kept my mouth well and truly zipped when I have been seething underneath. for you all.

Its quite weird to think that that little baby that you took good care of and always put before yourself and everything revolved around that little baby that one day they would grow up and make you ill with stress and argue with you so dis respectfully and not care about you--I do have two children and my other child is quite the opposite and so I count my blessings and not dwell on the negative, well at least I am trying to, still very very upset due to a lecture from my husband about me wanting to share a car that I bought for my DD.

It went along the lines of I should not ask DD to share the car because she does not wan to share it with me, and so simmering bubblingly upset about that But dignity in tact, no screaming, no shouting, just keeping it all inside,

Sorry to hear about your problem with your daughter parcs.....my situation is slightly different because I didn't do anything to cause the rift that has developed between me and my eldest daughter! My husband and I rented a house from her and my son-in-law, and when we moved in we were told we would have somewhere to live for the rest of our lives - I was 67 and my husband 73. We paid the market rent and did all the repairs and upkeep of the house, never asking for any remuneration from our daughter. Anyway after 3 years, we were told by my youngest daughter that her sister had asked her to tell us that we would have to move out because they couldn't afford the house any more, which was absolute rubbish because we basically paid most of the mortgage through our rent - she didn't even have the courtesy to tell us herself. Anyway, I presume from guilt on her part, she cut herself off completely from us. About 12 months later, we met at a family wedding, and I thought the ice was broken because we talked and seemed OK. I saw her from time to time and we were both courteous to each other, but then I found out that my grand daughter was 4 months pregnant with our first great grandchild and she hadn't even bothered to tell us! However, I kept my mouth shut and carried on as usual. I have just had my 70 birthday, and although she only lives 5 minutes away from us, she didn't even bother to send a card or come to see us. I am so hurt by her actions, but have nothing to apologize to her for because I haven't done anything!!

I once let rip to my son about his wife. I was in a bad place with working and looking after my Mother who was dying from cancer. He told his wife everything because he was so upset. To this day I bitterly regret what I said. I had to go to her and apologise, practically beg her forgiveness. She graciously excepted my apology but things will never be right now. That was four years ago and I know she will not forgive me in her heart. I make every effort I can to be kind and loving. I can only advise you to tell your daughter how sorry you are and that what you said was unforgivable. I know it's hard to eat humble pie belive me! I now sit on stuff and keep quiet if its family related. The loss of them in my life would be much harder than keeping quiet. I hope very much you can resolve this

Sorry to hear you are in a difficult situation at the moment parcs. I just add my little bit of advice and that is to leave the door open for a possible return even if it means swallowing pride. As you have rightly said it is important to look at the bigger and long term picture and I know in the heat of a troublesome situation that is extremely difficult to do. Be kind to yourself parcs we have all said and done things we regret. The grown up thing to do, as you have done, is acknowledge you acted hastily and then work hard at rebuilding the relationship. It will take time I am sure but don't lose heart.

AllieOxan If you do write to her and tell her what you think, I believe you will regret it, Why--well because, right now she is being horrid by not communicating with you--do you really want to be as horrid as her.

As I have just been through the storm, my advice to you is Don't do it, don't lower yourself, stay peaceful and dignified, I wish I had of done that x

So so true J52 But hopefully things will get better for me with time, its just such a horrible un settling strange feeling. I do not know what she is thinking, she comes to my house to see her Dad when I am not here, my husband tells me stories of the baby, not knowing that inside I am very hurt that she has brought baby when I am not here for a purpose.

I don't know what's going to happen but if my daughter wants to continue avoiding me, something has to give, what, I do not know, but what I do know is that I feel that things can not continue as they are.

I think either a clean cut or just be back to normal.

This is an example of good advice from GN. Sorry you had to experience the fall out and learn the lesson on the behalf of many of us.

I have learnt a lot about relationships, especially with grown up off spring, DILs and GCs since joining GN. Mostly keep quiet, think and say nothing! It might involve a few tears and sleepless nights, but living in harmony is worth it.

Thank you x

Thank you Marelli so kind of you to say such things.

Thanks to all that have given advice, it is very much needed thought about and appreciated

I hope it all works out Parcs. When I first joined Gransnet I was having relationship issues with my daughter. I came on here for advice as I was on the verge of telling my daughter that I was unhappy about certain things. The general advice on here was to keep quiet and it was very good advice indeed. It wasn't easy, and still isn't, to paint on a smile and carry on when I am seething inside. I had lost my temper with my daughter on one occasion a couple of years ago and it almost caused a rift. I am now trying to accept the situation and we have been getting on better. Unfortunately, this sometimes involves me feeling a bit side-lined but I know none of this is intentional, just a bit thoughtless and at least we are still speaking. Keeping shtum is good advice.

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful. And I probably had better not.
I think I am still angry and haven't let it out of course.....maybe which ever way one reacts one still feels hurt.
I have now no communication at all with her....

I hope you can resolve things with yourself eventually.

Give it time, Parcs. It's very easy to be wise after the event. We've all been there (many of us, anyway). I hope it all works out.

Such good advice rose and I do do that usually, but I was all too consumed by hurt and was not thinking straight, was too overwhelmed by everything that was going on. Thank you

A few years ago I had a similar situation with my older daughter, and she left.
I wish I had said exactly what I thought!
............I have now found her address and thinking of writing it!

Oh dear, hope it all sorts out

Sometimes it is good to write it all down, every little bit that is annoying you, re-read it then burn or shred it.

Thank you

Parcs I hope it will sort itself out. It's brave of you to acknowledge publically that it was not the best thing to have done.