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The Aftermath

(69 Posts)
Parcs Wed 08-Apr-15 17:43:14

Some of you may know that I have recently had issues with my daughter, just to surmise, she was living with me and things became un- bearable and she moved out.

I would just like to say, and this may help others, that I wish I had of just kept shtum because the consequences of our dis agreements have effected the whole family and I have to say I regret that very much.

It is not at all easy not to react, however if I had not reacted, it would have been so much better.

My lesson learnt is look at the bigger picture, stay at peace with yourself and if the wish to argue, let them argue with themselves.

Nelliemoser Wed 08-Apr-15 17:58:38

Parcs I hope it will sort itself out. It's brave of you to acknowledge publically that it was not the best thing to have done. flowers

Parcs Wed 08-Apr-15 18:17:46

Thank you

rosequartz Wed 08-Apr-15 18:44:18

Oh dear, hope it all sorts out flowers

Sometimes it is good to write it all down, every little bit that is annoying you, re-read it then burn or shred it.

AlieOxon Wed 08-Apr-15 18:50:36

A few years ago I had a similar situation with my older daughter, and she left.
I wish I had said exactly what I thought!
............I have now found her address and thinking of writing it!

Parcs Wed 08-Apr-15 18:52:01

Such good advice rose and I do do that usually, but I was all too consumed by hurt and was not thinking straight, was too overwhelmed by everything that was going on. Thank you

Marelli Wed 08-Apr-15 19:23:07

Give it time, Parcs. It's very easy to be wise after the event. We've all been there (many of us, anyway). I hope it all works out. flowers

AlieOxon Wed 08-Apr-15 20:13:13

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful. And I probably had better not.
I think I am still angry and haven't let it out of course.....maybe which ever way one reacts one still feels hurt.
I have now no communication at all with her....

I hope you can resolve things with yourself eventually.

KatyK Thu 09-Apr-15 14:56:53

I hope it all works out Parcs. When I first joined Gransnet I was having relationship issues with my daughter. I came on here for advice as I was on the verge of telling my daughter that I was unhappy about certain things. The general advice on here was to keep quiet and it was very good advice indeed. It wasn't easy, and still isn't, to paint on a smile and carry on when I am seething inside. I had lost my temper with my daughter on one occasion a couple of years ago and it almost caused a rift. I am now trying to accept the situation and we have been getting on better. Unfortunately, this sometimes involves me feeling a bit side-lined but I know none of this is intentional, just a bit thoughtless and at least we are still speaking. Keeping shtum is good advice.

Parcs Thu 09-Apr-15 19:12:30

Thank you Marelli so kind of you to say such things.

Thanks to all that have given advice, it is very much needed thought about and appreciated flowers

J52 Thu 09-Apr-15 20:18:09

This is an example of good advice from GN. Sorry you had to experience the fall out and learn the lesson on the behalf of many of us.

I have learnt a lot about relationships, especially with grown up off spring, DILs and GCs since joining GN. Mostly keep quiet, think and say nothing! It might involve a few tears and sleepless nights, but living in harmony is worth it.

Thank you x

Parcs Thu 09-Apr-15 20:58:33

So so true J52 But hopefully things will get better for me with time, its just such a horrible un settling strange feeling. I do not know what she is thinking, she comes to my house to see her Dad when I am not here, my husband tells me stories of the baby, not knowing that inside I am very hurt that she has brought baby when I am not here for a purpose.

I don't know what's going to happen but if my daughter wants to continue avoiding me, something has to give, what, I do not know, but what I do know is that I feel that things can not continue as they are.

I think either a clean cut or just be back to normal.

Parcs Thu 09-Apr-15 21:02:59

AllieOxan If you do write to her and tell her what you think, I believe you will regret it, Why--well because, right now she is being horrid by not communicating with you--do you really want to be as horrid as her.

As I have just been through the storm, my advice to you is Don't do it, don't lower yourself, stay peaceful and dignified, I wish I had of done that x

Penstemmon Thu 09-Apr-15 21:11:38

Sorry to hear you are in a difficult situation at the moment parcs. I just add my little bit of advice and that is to leave the door open for a possible return even if it means swallowing pride. As you have rightly said it is important to look at the bigger and long term picture and I know in the heat of a troublesome situation that is extremely difficult to do. Be kind to yourself parcs we have all said and done things we regret. The grown up thing to do, as you have done, is acknowledge you acted hastily and then work hard at rebuilding the relationship. It will take time I am sure but don't lose heart. flowers

Christingle Fri 10-Apr-15 15:55:05

I once let rip to my son about his wife. I was in a bad place with working and looking after my Mother who was dying from cancer. He told his wife everything because he was so upset. To this day I bitterly regret what I said. I had to go to her and apologise, practically beg her forgiveness. She graciously excepted my apology but things will never be right now. That was four years ago and I know she will not forgive me in her heart. I make every effort I can to be kind and loving. I can only advise you to tell your daughter how sorry you are and that what you said was unforgivable. I know it's hard to eat humble pie belive me! I now sit on stuff and keep quiet if its family related. The loss of them in my life would be much harder than keeping quiet. I hope very much you can resolve this

yattypung Sat 11-Apr-15 04:45:06

Sorry to hear about your problem with your daughter situation is slightly different because I didn't do anything to cause the rift that has developed between me and my eldest daughter! My husband and I rented a house from her and my son-in-law, and when we moved in we were told we would have somewhere to live for the rest of our lives - I was 67 and my husband 73. We paid the market rent and did all the repairs and upkeep of the house, never asking for any remuneration from our daughter. Anyway after 3 years, we were told by my youngest daughter that her sister had asked her to tell us that we would have to move out because they couldn't afford the house any more, which was absolute rubbish because we basically paid most of the mortgage through our rent - she didn't even have the courtesy to tell us herself. Anyway, I presume from guilt on her part, she cut herself off completely from us. About 12 months later, we met at a family wedding, and I thought the ice was broken because we talked and seemed OK. I saw her from time to time and we were both courteous to each other, but then I found out that my grand daughter was 4 months pregnant with our first great grandchild and she hadn't even bothered to tell us! However, I kept my mouth shut and carried on as usual. I have just had my 70 birthday, and although she only lives 5 minutes away from us, she didn't even bother to send a card or come to see us. I am so hurt by her actions, but have nothing to apologize to her for because I haven't done anything!!

Parcs Sat 11-Apr-15 10:26:47

Its quite weird to think that that little baby that you took good care of and always put before yourself and everything revolved around that little baby that one day they would grow up and make you ill with stress and argue with you so dis respectfully and not care about you--I do have two children and my other child is quite the opposite and so I count my blessings and not dwell on the negative, well at least I am trying to, still very very upset due to a lecture from my husband about me wanting to share a car that I bought for my DD.

It went along the lines of I should not ask DD to share the car because she does not wan to share it with me, and so simmering bubblingly upset about that But dignity in tact, no screaming, no shouting, just keeping it all inside,sad

KatyK Sat 11-Apr-15 13:13:36

These situations are so sad. So many people on this and other threads having problems/rifts with their children. As you say Parcs it's hard to think that that child we nourished and cherished can now treat us so badly. I am on reasonable terms with my DD but only because I have kept my mouth well and truly zipped when I have been seething underneath. flowers for you all.

Tresco Sat 11-Apr-15 13:33:54

I don't understand, Parcs . A while ago you didn't want to talk to your daughter at all. Now you say you want to share the car you bought for her. Did you actually buy the car for her sole use, or was it always intended as a shared vehicle? Or did you just assume she would share it? And why ask at this point when relationships are strained? Let this and your daughter go - quietly and with fuss, as you have managed to do on this occasion. She will come back to you all the faster for not being pressured.

Parcs Sat 11-Apr-15 14:26:31

Well Tresco as I mentioned on the other thread I have realised the error of my ways by saying what I thought to DD.

The car was supposed to be shared but she went along to the insurance company and dragged my husband with her and took my name off, so I could no longer drive it.

It is easy to say that she will come back to me tresco however she comes to my home every day and there is a horrid atmosphere when she is around and often when she leaves my husband and I end up having an argument, because she is rude to me and he says nothing, if it were the other way around I would not allow her to be rude. I say nothing to her because it will escalate.

Any how to be honest, I have been awake since the early hours tossing and turning mainly because I feel I have no control over the situation

MargaretX Sat 11-Apr-15 15:04:51

It sometimes help to move all the actors onto another stage. Next time she comes, say you are all going out for lunch and leave the house. When you are sitting in another place among strangers you might find there is a different atmosphere.
You have collection of issues with your daughter. try to imgine all the things you hate about her behaviour and put then in an imginary suitcase.
This therapeutic excercise needs some concentration!

Next time you see her leave the suitcase unopened or imagine you have put it in the bin.
Imagine yourself carrying this suitcase everytime you see her. Then decide to go without it.
Hope it helps. Something has got to be done. you can't carry on like this.

yattypung Sun 12-Apr-15 05:18:11

I have two other children too Parcs who would never, ever treat me the way that my eldest daughter is doing, so I thank my lucky stars for that. Hopefully she will realise one day and regret her actions.
I hope so anyway.

Judthepud2 Sun 12-Apr-15 08:28:23

[parcs] how painful it is when our children give us grief! I've been having difficulties with youngest DD in the last week but it seems to be resolving a bit now by me trying to keep mouth shut (advice on here) and recognising what HER pain is. As you said, what happened to the little child we cherished? Give yourself time and space to lick your wounds!! 'This too will pass' is one of my mantras too. It does help a bit. ((Hugs))

Parcs Sun 12-Apr-15 11:11:17

Amazing effective advice, thank so much.

Just to let everyone know, I got a text yesterday evening at nearly 11pm from DD saying that I am forgiven and that she has no bad feelings towards me anymore.

I was very happy to get that text.

Parcs Sun 12-Apr-15 11:17:52

Regardless to who was right or wrong