The Aftermath

I feel that I have been through the ringer these last few weeks. I have come through the other end now and what I have learnt is, what ever you feel you would like to say, keep your voice low and keep in kind, that has worked for me, the calm voice keeps everyone calm and the kind manner in my voice keeps everybody feeling that they are being treated well and with kindness.

Families!!! who'd have em!!

Such good advice all round in this thread. Accepting our own powerlessness in the face of other people's behaviour is such useful advice Tresco. My difficulty is when I am drawn into DD's distress by her. And then in her eyes getting it wrong.

Tresco's post is very interesting and makes such sense. I'm currently keeping my counsel with my DS and Dil - and the friction between them and my DD and Dsil - we are literally "caught in the middle"- and whilst there is so much I could/and want to say, I'm not saying a word, just getting on with my life and being involved in theirs as much (or as little) as they dictate - it seems to be working. DS came round this morning ostensibly to check we are OK but really to tell us of his recent resounding success at work - he came, knowing that, despite any other problems going on in the family/siblings etc. we, his Mum and Dad, would be so pleased and very proud of him and happy to tell him so. OK maybe he thought we would also pass his good news on to his sister and brother? Who knows? .......
Not sure how this relates to the thread excepting that grown up children are more testing in many ways than when they were all little and I could at least threaten them with early bed, no TV, no treats etc. Happy days in retrospect......... Hard work at the time.......

I am not a grannie yet, but I do have a daughter and sil.

I do sometimes wonder, if a quiet word is necessary, whether the quiet words can be spread out amongst other family members, not just one? Does that work at all? I am just talking in general terms.

Wimps or pragmatists?

It is really a question of looking at the desired long term outcome and deciding which is the best way to achieve that. If someone wants to maintain good relationships with children and GC it may be that biting the tongue is the way forward. If you think that speaking out will achieve the desired aim, then fine, do so - but you have to be pretty sure of your ground before doing that because speaking out can backfire, whereas keeping quiet is less likely to.

Our children are adults now and they can lead their lives as they choose, whatever we might think or do. We have no right to demand anything of them; and making demands might send them over the horizon at speed.

Often they do not do what we want, or be as we might wish - but that is just how life is. And bargaining with monetary gifts or withdrawing support with childcare or whatever truly is a recipe for disaster.

Good advice Elegran. I must try to follow it! My DH says the only one being made miserable by all these perceived slights is me (and him of course because he has to live with me).

Sorry that was to Tresco

Yes that makes sense. I have long realised that you can't make people think like you think.

Bottling it all up is the opposite extreme to throwing a wobbly at every imagined slight. We get fixated on NOT being too needy and don't let them know when we are genuinely hurt - then it builds up until the volcano erupts.

The ideal is to distinguish what is hurtful from what is just them living their own lives, and not to mind the lesser things ("don't sweat the small stuff") but to be aware of when they are being unreasonable and speak up mildly before it becomes "taking advantage"

Easy to say, not so easy to remember in the midst of it.

I have been involved with Alanon, the self-help group that supports the families of alcoholics, for many years. Whilst I appreciate that alcohol may not be the problem for posters here, the principles that Alanon and AA use to help are applicable to all, I think. Key to them is accepting our own powerlessness over other people's behaviour, a willingness to change our own where necessary and a willingness to promptly admit our own mistakes and failings. One reminder that is often used is that "expectations are resentments delayed". It's important to try to let go of our expectations about what other people should do and concentrate on what parts of our own behaviour need to change. Not easy, as I know all too well, but in the long run it works.

I keep everything bottled up and never say what I think to my DD. It doesn't feel right. However, once, when I had been through a traumatic time, I 'lost it' with her and she was shocked as I am a mouse usually. She said she hadn't done anything wrong and in her eyes she hasn't, she's just getting on with her life. I agree with Elegran, the wording and the tone should be right. I exploded because I was under pressure. I needed some support from her which I didn't feel was forthcoming. Should we expect support from our children when we are going through difficulties? Maybe not, I really don't know. It made matters worse. I should have had a quiet word with her to tell her how I felt. Nothing has changed but at least we are still speaking.

No, it is not always the right thing to do to keep quiet under what you feel is bad treatment. The difficult bit is getting the level of protest right - if you don't get the wording and tone right it can come out as whinging or as starting a fight. What you want is to point out your side of it in a reasonable and pleasant way, assertive without being aggressive, that is neither confrontational nor needy, without falling out or going into reciting every sin they have committed in the past thirty years.

Skills in tightrope walking and hostage negotiation would be useful. No wonder so many family disagreements descend into estrangements.

Considering how many people choose a song with the words, "I'll state my case, of which I'm certain", to be sung at their funeral, it's amazing how many people on here don't seem to do it.

No, it's not the best thing. How can things be put right if it is not out in the open?

But are we wimps for staying quite and are we paying a heavy price, or is it ALWAYS the right thing to do to stay quite for the sake of the grandchildren and let them treat you as they wish.

Thanks jingl. That made me feel better. I don't want to appear like a bitter old woman, which I am afraid I am becoming. Note to self - use brain before fingers.

I like soons post of 11.22.39 yesterday. I think that happens a lot.

You could get it deleted Kate, but we all understand where you are coming from. I might say that about mine when feeling cross, and know that it's not really true.

My last post above was unfair. She is not selfish in the least. A bit thoughtless sometimes maybe. She is a good person. I feel bad for my post. Perhaps I could have it removed.

it is indeed very good advice from Mishap (as usual). Whenever I have posted about my problems with my DD, everyone on GN has given good advice to keep quiet, advice which I have taken. Sometimes though I have to admit I feel that I am stepping back and keeping quiet about everything when in reality I feel like screaming and saying 'how dare you treat us so badly you selfish girl'. I won't obviously.

Very good advice Mishap .

I am wondering whether it is better not to engage in joint financial ventures/purchases if the relationship is a bit shaky - the item then becomes a focus for any resentments. As you are walking back from the shops you are building up resentments against your DD; and this is repeated every time you go out. Can you just gift the car to her and draw a line under this, as it seems to be perpetuating the rift.

And don't enter into any more shared financial plans maybe!

That all sounds about right things are gruesome for me right now but I now know that I have what it takes to make changes Thank you for your thoughts and support.

Oh Parks So sorry to hear things continue to be so difficult in your life. The common perception of life being so much easier when the kids leave home is, I think, a bit naive! They may be adults but somehow the mother/child relationship can remain so complex. You would be wise not to make any more purchases for your DD again after the car situation!

Maybe you need to start looking after yourself first for a change. Can DH not help you with bringing home the shopping? Or how about ordering your food shop online and have it delivered?

Being a mother isn't easy at any age or stage.....as your DD will find out in time! When your grandchild starts giving her trouble, you will be able to smile wryly. I do.

This thread puts the other one in some sort of perspective.

Its quite weird to think that that little baby that you took good care of and always put before yourself and everything revolved around that little baby that one day they would grow up and make you ill with stress and argue with you so dis respectfully and not care about you

I wonder if this is part of the problem.

Is she now doing the same? Does she have the priority of
Her baby
Herself
Her husband
Your husband
Everyone else?

I sometimes think that families, ideally, should be a unit, a team. Rather than have definite priorities.

Is she now effetively shutting you out, as you are so far down her pecking order?
And your husband is not seeing any of this?