Pangs of sadness through getting old

I have kept diaries from the beginning of the 70s to the present day.

Many of them were full of angst and personal detail, thoughts on different family members and accounts of difficult divorces, family rows, affairs and so on.

Last year I set myself the task of reading through each diary and doing a summary which included the interesting, enjoyable events in our family history and omitting stuff I would not like my children/grandchildren to read.

I did keep all those diaries from the 70s and from about 2005 on (I no longer include sensitive detail).

I did find it a wrench to shred my diaries but I'm glad I did it.

For all of my married life I was coping with my widowed mother who was a great character but very very demanding. (It went on for nearly 40 years.)

I'm now the old Gran living on her own in a flat - and to be honest although I'm 68 I feel much too young to be cast in this role.

I try so hard not to be an old misery - but it's not always easy to stay chipper.

Teegran, and all Grans, please never destroy any diaries, they are the social history of the future, a little bit of you that will live on.
Teegran, join in some of the light hearted threads - join a virtual world where truth and fact blur, become any person you would wish to be for a few minutes, it's fun.

I have kept a daily diary for over 55 years and have boxes full of them. It is very interesting - and informative to look back and read what we were up to. It is a sort of social history of an ordinary woman's life story.

However, what do I do with them? If I don't decide, when I die someone else will have to decide. Or do I leave them to some social studies organisation? Or should I just burn them? Any ideas?

Tegan - don't burn the diary. I'm keeping mine as an account of life in 1973. It's got the price of things e.g. a pushchair cost £4.50. I won't read it again because it does make me sad, but I'm keeping it for my grandchildren.

My parents and my husband's parents are mentioned in it and they are the gks great grandparents.

I have to say that I have no pangs of sadness through getting old – just an element of surprise that it has happened when I wasn't looking.

Surely if someone is ill, you just look after them, nothing to do with DNA.
My mother was a nurse, and I always said I would never be a nurse. I ended up being my husband's carer for over 15 years. What was the alternative? As annsixty says, you just do it.

Perhaps it's those of us in our 60s and early 70s who feel the 'pangs' the most, having had possibly unrealistic expectations of the joys of retirement.

annsixty, I understand what you meant now. Respect.

annsixty, as you say you are very lucky but I have no idea how anyone copes with 24/7 care of a relative with Alzheimer's. I do hope you are getting plenty of support and that the DNA stays strong for you

I do agree with your post Gracesgran - there are things that have happened to me over the last few months that I would never have dreamed would afflict me - I was a very capable coping outgoing person and the arrival of a significant depressive illness and the ensuing lowering in self-confidence came from nowhere. So I would never feel able to suggest that someone who finds the aging process problematical is talking nonsense.

Getting older has to be accepted - but hopefully we can sympathise with each other when some of the aspects of the aging process feel burdensome - and also laugh together over them maybe.

My mother is 92 and on no medication. She has a very positive outlook and she is always planning what she is going to do/buy many months ahead. I admire her but I don't want to live that long if most of my peers are long gone.

My mother does her own shopping and gardening but not everyone respects old age. A young woman engaged my mother in conversation in Morissons two weeks ago. Whilst my mother thought she was helping the woman who said she was German and couldn't understand the instructions on a frozen meat pie, an accomplice stole my mother's purse. After the initial upset my mother has shrugged off the incident and just decided to be more careful in future. Positivity!

I'm not looking forward to getting even older but I think a lot depends on how healthy you are. My fear is that I will need help in the future. Some of my friends are not enjoying their retirement because they are having to be the constant carers of older relatives. I would like to think I could stay independent like my mother. Old age would be OK if friends are also surviving and we are not causing problems for the next generation.

Gracesgran thank you for your comments and I do need to say without being self righteous or anything like that I really do know what I post about. I am 77 and look after a DH with Alzheimer's. I find it very challenging but I accept it and I cope and don't feel any different to tens of thousands of others coping with this. If is my DNA that enables me to cope with this I just thank my lucky stars.

Obviously we will all feel different at different times of our lives and the good thing is that no one seems to be alone in how they feel when you read the different posts.

annsixty you do not seem to be unkind or I don't think you would have commented on it but it is very difficult to empathise with something you have not experienced. You say that perhaps you cope better than others. If you do you are very lucky. We don't choose the DNA that makes us the person unable to cope at a particular time or with a particular event nor does our neighbour preselect their DNA before birth that enables them to sale through the same scenario. Perhaps we should all be aware that the thing that causes something like low level depression for one person is just as much a surprise to them as the thing, which hopefully you will never encounter, which might cause it in you.

The great thing is we are able to talk about these things on here. We are all lucky that we have reached whatever age and stage being computer literate. That's a positive thought for today .

Tegan

NanKate; I always save some of my bath water to flush the toilet [this happened when I got a water meter and was paranoid about wasting water]. I transfer the water into a plastic container using a jug. The number of jugs = the number of years I've got left. Which means that, towards the end I'm scooping up miniscule amounts of water to make the sum total greater [a sort of geriatric version of stepping on the paving stones]. And I wonder why my kids have started to avoid me [#battyoldwoman].

Oh Tegan.

I know it is silly but when I want to appear younger I stand up straighter and walk faster. I have this mad thought that people won't realise I am almost 69.

I have a friend who was recently 85. She goes to Keep Fit twice a week, is a member of countless clubs, helps look after her many grandchildren and is at present holidaying in Spain. She is such an inspiration and also makes me feel a bit dowdy.

I also regularly work out how many years I have left. . I didn't do this at 60 clearly another 9 years has made all the difference.

Over and out.

Tegan

I'm feeling sad today. I've been on my own all week as the S.O. is away although there has been someone at my house as I've had some work done [which actually stopped me going out and a lot of things I'd planned to do]. Neither of my kids phoned me or invited me round. Perhaps they assumed I would invite myself round if I needed company, but I'd assume they know me well enough by now to know that I wouldn't do that. I haven't held my new grandchild since she was 3 days old and haven't seen her for two weeks [perhaps longer]. I've hardly seen her anyway over the past two months. I've realised my kids don't seem to want my company any more and, having just phoned my son it turns out he's spending the weekend at his partners fathers house. I, too have a diary from when the children were young and I sometimes wonder if I should just burn it? My ex is at a biking convention with his new girlfriend [I look after his cats when he's away]. I think my life is in need of a re jigg of some kind.

Trouble with being older is that you tire more easily. And any depressive feelings you may have do, of course, thrive on tiredness.

But yes, one foot in front of the other. In your own time of course.

You can be raucous at any age, petra.

Well said,ann. One of the things I miss is the raucous parties I had.

Mea culpa Ana
I am being unkind. Perhaps I cope better than others. I do have problems but don't mind getting old.

Of course we can't change things, but I don't think it's fair to dismiss the various concerns and fears people have voiced on this thread as 'nonsense'.

For some, getting older presents all sorts of problems never anticipated. It's not a case of wishing we were young again, it's getting to grips with a different stage of life and some find it harder than others.

Just trying to be realistic Ana no good trying to change things.

Well, that's us all told then! We should all just snap out of it and count our blessings...