MIL wants GC - not sure I can oblige!

Jomarie I'm sorry, I read that wrong, I thought it was an invitation!

And no, I would have said the same at 11 am.

I know Tegan I'm the same, always with hindsight. But I have had my moments of saying the right thing at the right time.

For your MIL to keep embarrassing you in front of others is not on, that is why I said to say something she would be embarrassed back by, maybe not as bad as I said but she needs to know what it feels like. Or have a quiet word but I wouldn't say it was her son's doing, I would just say that as a couple you have decided to have some time first before starting a family. Put it that he is such a wonderful man, you want him all to yourself for a bit first.

Trouble is, whenever I think up a really clever and cutting remark to use in a certain situation when it happens again the conversation never quite goes in the right direction for me to use it and I end up in a deja vu situation yet again. Oh to have the quick thinking verbosity [is that the right word; in fact, is it a word ] of a Joan Rivers or Oscar Wild .

falcon ............. attagirl!

Older women can be quite competitive about grandchildren.

If she mentions it again, smile enigmatically and say "ah yes one day, one day."

rubylady well that would definitely liven up the next family party!
And what if she said yes

Hey rubylady - you and me should just shut up shop and go to bed now. Have found myself posting stuff that maybe I wouldn't have done at 11am - just saying....... thinking you may be in the same postion?

Tell her she can come round the next time you have sex and coach from the sidelines, tell her it might help you to conceive! Or is it just me?

Thank you all for your good wishes and advice - I will have a talk to DH and decide a way forward - and at least I have a granny's boast book to look forward to!

Hello forbid Firstly I would like to say that your MIL is a lucky lady, you sound a very caring kind person.

I do not think you should tell her that her son is not ready to have a baby because she might start pestering him.

Just ignore it and laugh it off as you have been doing.

If it becomes completely un bearable, speak to her alone and tell her gently that it is not the right time to start a family.

If you feel that it is not sinking in you may need to add that it makes you feel un comfortable when she brings it up.

It is all about How you say rather than What you say.

Obviously it is a very good idea to wait until your husband is ready to have a baby, having a baby is a big step and you really should want to take that step.

Good luck with everything

Forbiddenplanet Your Mil should not been dropping these hints etc and that is wrong.

However. I note you have said you would like to have a child soon but your OH does "not feel ready yet".

I think that you and your husband really need to have a clear conversation about when, or if, you both do want to have children together and to have this conversation quite soon and then make a clear decision about this.
As a couple you need to think about your time scales with this if you are already over 30, if just for health issues.

If you let this issue linger on unresolved it could put a lot of strain on your relationship.

How awkward for you f/p - how insensitive of your mil - I think your best bet is to tell her (on the quiet) that you're willing but it "takes two to tango" - she can draw her own conclusions at that one and perhaps she will pluck up the courage to ask her DS instead of you! On the other hand this might not be the best thing to do. Perhaps you need to tell your DH that your mil is giving you embarrassing moments and that the next time it happens in public you will say quite clearly - "I'm sorry, but you will have to ask (his name) about that" - smiling very sweetly all the time. That might get the message over that it is not entirely up to you!!! She is "out of order" though and not being fair to you. Beware......

I agree with the posters who say MiL is wrong to ask/mention potential DGCs. I never asked my daughters as I knew if they were having issues conceiving they would tell me and as they had not I knew babies were not yet at the top of the priority list. When they came it was a joy! I had difficulty in conceiving myself and it was awkward if people did ever ask when we were going to have a baby

I think you could say to your MiL that children are on the To Do list but there are other things you and your DH want to do/achieve first so to ask you again in a couple of years!

I was perfectly happy without grandchildren and wondered what DD was thinking of when she first told us she was pregnant! Having said that the 3 GS's we have now are the lights of my life and totally gorgeous.

I wouldn't be in a hurry forbiddenplanet DD had been married for 10 years before she had her first one and I wouldn't worry too much about your DH, most men have very little experience of children before they have their own. I had never even touched a baby before I had mine and Boy! was that a culture shock!

As far as MiL is concerned I think "We don't feel we're ready at the moment" is all anybody needs to know.

forbiddenplanet I think your MiL is being incredibly insensitive and doesn't deserve your kindness and wish to spare her feelings.
You ask how we would want our DiLs to handle such a situation - well to paraphrase an old joke I wouldn't start from there! I never asked any of my DCs let alone my DCs inlaw what their plans were.
And as for discussing it with others in front of you in social situations - words fail me.

I think in order to avoid issues if and when you do have DCs, you need to set some ground rules now.
1. Prying questions about your health and related issues are not acceptable.
2. Discussion of same, outside the family, is also unacceptable.
I would probably confide in your DH but have the conversation with MiL yourself.
Good luck!

forbiddenplanet I too think it's tactless and unfair of her to put you on the spot - especially in front of other people. It really is none of her business.

If you were trying to have a baby and had so far been unsuccessful, such remarks could be very disturbing and hurtful.

I understand your husband not feeling very confident with babies and young children. I would think that anxiety is not uncommon for men - or, indeed, for women.

I think it would be reasonable to tell her that your husband doesn't feel ready at the moment to have children. I assume that he would not object to you doing this, especially if you explain that trying to deal with these constant hints makes you feel very uncomfortable?

jingle It may well be normal for some people to hope for grandchildren but I don't think it's normal or acceptable to interfere in what is a very personal matter.

A grannies' boast book was a handbag sized photograph album with photos of her grandchildren. They would pass them round when they meet together. Now days, the photos are on their phones!

jings re your post 15.36

My DH didn't tell his mum that we were having problems. It took us 13 yrs to get pg with DD.
To give MiL her due she never asked. She never commented when we announced I was pg. Just seemed delighted. Unfortunately she died when I was 7mths

I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my DSs when they were going to have babies. It was their business and theirs alone, though I was thrilled to have the news when it came.

Incidentally I never once asked DS about GCs, it was totally their decision IMO.

My MIL was the opposite- told every Tom, Dick and Harry that she didn't want GCs and was thoroughly obnoxious throughout my pregnancy and after
It wasn't helped by my having a DD first - she then told everyone that she hated baby girls!!
MILs can be wonderful (like DS's) too, thank goodness!

I never asked about GC and when they were going to produce them, not my business at all. I assumed children were on the agenda because they arranged their wedding saying that they would not have children out of wedlock.
DD does not have children, her choice, and that is fine with me.

You ask: "Should I just tell her we are not having any yet as her son does not feel ready??"

My answer to that is "Yes". It's the simple truth. If she doesn't like it, that's her problem, not yours, and you can refer her to her son who may talk to her more about it or may tell her to mind her own business.

Good luck.

Hi all
No no medical issues (well not that I know of)
Tegan it's as you say, DH has always been v mature and responsible as long as I've known him - not remotely laddish - in a way I had thought this meant he would be ready earlier. He is worried he would not be a good father as he is not at all confident around babies/small children. I think he is overthinking it TBH.
jinglbellsfrocks it's a bit unfortunate that both DH and I are incredibly socially awkward! Sometimes I wonder how we ever had a conversation ended up married
sara4 what is a granny's boast book?

Do all her friends have grandchildren? If so she probably wants to join their club. BUT that is no excuse to make you feel uncomfortable especially in public. Does your DH know how you feel and could you decide on a united front for next time this happens? I don't see why you should have to deal with her on your own. Being a grandmother in 2015 is not like it was when our generation were young mums. My mother in law asked us WHY we were having our first baby, but she did make herself a 'grannies boast' book'.

Not always. I've also known several people that have had one child and then can't have any more and get sick of comments about 'when are you having another'. One friend actually confided in me because she said I was the only person who didn't ask her about it. I also knew someone who couldn't have children and didn't tell her own mother till she was in her twenties .